Ladies and gentlemen, Reverend Oral “Pat” Righteous:
“Sin. Forgiveness. Redemption. Neat stuff, eh? My friends, this is the great wheel upon which all our reputations are driven. It happens so often in the bible that I sometimes lose track of whose story it is that I am reading. Over and over again. I thought I was exempt. But the good lord, in his infinite wisdom, or perhaps due to his great sense of humour, has set me a massive test, a trial which would break any lesser man, but which has only caused me to reconsider my career options.
“So, friends, I regret to have to inform you all that this will be my last broadcast.”
Patricia looked over at Sid and their two children and smiled. They had flown into the Righteous Valley that morning. Ferdinand and Betty got some exercise at the Holy Roller Skating Rink while Sid and Pat had done some shopping (they decided not to make a decision on the Righteous Valley bath towels until the end of their stay). After lunch at the Praise the Larder dining facility, the family braved the waters of the Righteous Baptismal Pool (the one in the shape of a stone tablet with commandments written in script on the bottom) and Waterslide. But, the highlight of the trip had to be attending a sermon given by the Reverend him se – what did he just say?
“It’s true, friends. Last week, Righteous Ministries, Inc. became the subject of a hostile takeover by another Ministry of the Lord. No, don’t ask me to name the Minister; I consulted our dear lord, who told me to consult my lawyers, good, god-fearing men who advised me not to go begging for more trouble. Let me just say that when we realized the seriousness of the threat, we started buying properties all across the state, hoping to make the company less attractive by increasing our long term debt load. Sadly, this was right in the middle of our Prayer Partners and Righteous Dudes fundraising effort, and we couldn’t spend your donations fast enough.
“Bless you.
“We had one other option: inviting a White Knight to buy a controlling interest in the Righteous Ministry. Of course, if the person trying to take us over intended to make a killing through the highly unChristian act of greenmail, we would have to take our lumps. The Reverend Robert Scholes was approached. At first, he appeared to be our saviour…in the business sense, I mean. But, then, he started making demands. When he insisted we broadcast the Hour of Foot Powder on the Righteous Network, well, we abandoned him pretty quick.
“Then, the rumours started.”
Max Tannenbaum, Oral Righteous’ lawyer, had advised him against the public confession. “Don’t admit anything until at least 20 years after the verdict has been read,” had always been Tannenbaum’s motto. Confession might be good for the soul, he thought, but it’s terrible for the legal profession. The lawyer snorted. He had always suspected that Righteous wanted to be a martyr.
“Unable to take over the Ministry directly, the person who was giving us so much grief started attacking my personal life. No, friends, I really cannot name him. Well, alright: it was Jimmy Wagheart. It was he who leaked my terrible secret to the press. Yes, friends, I admit it: seven years, in a hotel room in Florida, I read The Evolution of the Species by Charles Darwin. Now, I know that if the good lord Jesus were here today, he would forgive me. ‘Oral,’ he would say, ‘you have stumbled, but you’re an okay guy, so I forgive you.’ The lord was like that – he would forgive anybody. Unfortunately, The Assemblies of God will not.
“And so, I must resign.”
In the audience, Fiona Fletcher stifled a tear.
“You know, I remember the first time I tried to lay hands on a poor sinner with the healing power of the lord – state authorities closed our tent for 10 days. The first time I spoke in tongues, somebody thought I was choking and used the Heimlich Maneuver on me. It’s been a long time since Billy Greyman, the godfather of all television evangelists, took me aside and said, ‘Oral, nobody who does the lord’s work need ever go poor.’ He was talking spiritually, of course. I feel privileged to have been able to serve you since then in my humble capacity, and I feel confident to leave the Righteous ministry in the hands of a higher authority – Jerry Illwill.”
Director Derek Smelling, with one eye on the screen and the other on the clock, said, “Fade out in three…two…one…fade out. Cut to commercial.” Righteous had, as always, displayed an exquisite sense of timing. Smelling was sorry he was leaving the air; the camera loved Righteous like no other preacher. Oh, well.
It seemed like a good time to return to filming commercials.