“Now, gentlemen,” Deputy Minister of Miscellaneous Government Activity Roger Overbudget said, shifting his not inconsiderable bulk in his chair, “who would like to elucidate current government policy regarding regional economic development as exemplified by the decision to buy rail for Canadian National from Nova Scotia’s Sydney Steel instead of Ontario’s Algoma Steel?”
The dozen members of the Committee for Regional Urban Development stared at their imitation leather portfolios, some going so far as to pick up a pencil, in order to avoid the gaze of their superior. Trying to elucidate government policy from its actions had long been recognized in the civil service as an alternative to running through Parliament naked as a certain path to early retirement.
Somebody coughed. “Do you mean that a dozen crack civil servants can’t discern a simple government policy?” Overbudget scowled. One of the junior secretaries sitting at the opposite end of the table nodded his head gratefully. Overbudget let his expression soften and asked, mildly, “Henry, do you have any ideas?”
Henry Cricketblight bit his thin lower lip and nervously replied, “No, sir. I haven’t had any ideas since I joined the service in the first Trudeau era.”
Overbudget made a mental note to add something unpleasant to Cricketblight’s file, then promptly forgot it. “Valeda?” he asked.
Valeda Ziff, on loan from the Department of Urban Forecasting (Future), primped a little before responding, “Well, of course, Rog, this is not my field of expertise, but I would guess that this is the government’s way of redistributing jobs, not to mention wealth.”
Overbudget briefly smiled. “Not quite,” he stated. “It’s more a way of creating employment without committing any new funds. After all, our Conservative government doesn’t believe in redistributing wealth…”
“Oh…” Ziff sniffed, admiring the subtelty of his distinction.
“The present government favours this form of job creation,” the Deputy Minister continued, ignoring her. “Any suggestions on how they may further this policy?”
“Move the auto industry from Ontario to Newfoundland?” one person hesitantly suggested.
“Good,” Overbudget encouraged him.
“Let western farmers run eastern banks?” another offered.
Overbudget nodded his head vigourously. “I knew when I chose you to make up this committee,” he said, “you wouldn’t let me down.”
“Put Quebec’s textile industry into the hands of…umm…that is…” Cricketblight’s voice trailed off.
“No need to get bogged down in details at this point, Henry,” Overbudget, pleased with the general thrust of the meeting, let him off the hook. “I see you’ve all grasped the point.” Then, noticing Arnold Barron scratching his bald spot, puzzled, he asked, “Is something wrong, Arnold?”
Barron, the liaison from the Ministry of Communication, put down his pencil (being the only person at the table actually using it to take notes) and asked, “Well, if we pursue this policy to its logical conclusion, won’t we just make have-not provinces out of the have provinces?”
“That’s logical,” Overbudget noncommittally agreed.
“Wouldn’t it be better in the long run,” Barron blue skyed, “to create new jobs instead of just moving existing ones around?”
Overbudget, knowing how important a Communication link (referred to, unofficially, by higher echelons as “a mouthpiece”) was to the success of a policy, smiled indulgently at Barron. “Well, Arnold,” he explained, “that would mean spending money the government simply does not have. It is committed to creating employment, but not necessarily the wealth to permanently support it.”
“But, what happens when Ontario’s unemployment goes through the roof, or other prosperous provinces suddenly find themselves poor?”
“Then, we start taking jobs from the poorer provinces, which will have become richer provinces, and give them back to Ontario. That’s the beauty of this policy. This process could take years – the politicians will become popular for creating employment – we’ll be given enough paperwork to keep the civil service going for decades to come – and it won’t cost the taxpayer a cent!”
One person gasped in astonishment at the audacity of the Deputy Minister’s vision; another started to clap. Soon, everybody around the table was applauding. “Thank you,” Overbudget modestly acknowledged their praise. “Thank you, but I don’t deserve your applause. I’m but a humble civil servant interpreting my government’s policy…”
A couple of minutes later, after the applause had died down, Barron, not convinced, asked, “Look, unemployment is unemployment, no matter what province you can’t find work in. Isn’t an aggressive job creation policy what’s really needed?” Overbudget, nearing the end of his patience, glared at his junior. “I mean,” Barron hastily added, “wouldn’t the government find more lasting approbation pursuing a less…ephemeral policy?”
“The government has decided to implement a subtle strategy,” Overbudget sternly remarked, “and, I, for one, am not about to question its wisdom.”
“Ah, well,” Barron mildly sighed, “that’s CRUD.”