INT. TV STUDIO – DAY
The set of the hit evening game show Read John McCain’s Mind! The host, BECKER BEAVERTON, stands in front of a podium, smart in his expensive three piece suit. Three players stand at a row of lecterns nearby.
BECKER BEAVERTON
Okay. Welcome back to everybody’s least favourite game show, Read John McCain’s Mind!
That was an ad-lib. The show is a hit.
BEAVERTON (CONTINUING)
I’m your host, Becker Beaverton. At the break, John was down $5,200, Muriel was down $3,700 and Henry was in the lead, owing a mere $2,100. Now, Henry – may I call you Hank?HENRY PAULSON
Absolutely not, Becker.BEAVERTON
(waves card)
Fair enough. It says on my little index card here that you are…American Treasury Secretary. Is that right?PAULSON
That is correct, sir. Yes.BEAVERTON
Well, that would certainly explain why you look like an undertaker!
SOUND: audience laughter.
BEAVERTON (CONTINUING)
Are those vultures I see on your shoulders, or are you just glad to see me?
SOUND: audience laughs harder. Paulson squirms behind his stand.
MURIEL PENTACLE
How come you don’t banter with us?BEAVERTON
(laughing)
Why don’t I banter with you, Muriel Pentacle? Because you’re ordinary, and, by definition, boring.
(stops laughing)
Now that we’ve got that unpleasant part of the show over with, it’s time for the next round of Read John McCain’s Mind!
(reads card)
Players, when John McCain said, “The fundamentals of the economy are sound,” to what was he referring?
(pause)
“The fundamentals of the economy are sound.” Anybody want to –
Paulson rings his buzzer.
BEAVERTON (CONTINUING)
Yes! Henry Paulson for $500.PAULSON
Rising productivity, Becker?BEAVERTON
Nice try, Henry, but I’m afraid that’s wrong. You lose $100 off your salary. Muriel? John? Would either of you like to –
John rings his buzzer.
BEAVERTON (CONTINUING)
John Fenesque of Rising Falls, Minnesota.JOHN FENESQUE
Employment figures?BEAVERTON
OH! So close, yet so wrong. Actually, employment has dropped by 500,000 jobs in the last six months alone! You lose $100 off your salary.FENESQUE
I…I don’t know if I can afford to play any more, Becker.BEAVERTON
As if the government has given you any choice. Muriel? Care to take a stab at it?PENTACLE
(throwing up her hands)
I’ll try…low levels of personal debt?BEAVERTON
Ooh, not even close. Sorry. You lose $100 off your salary. The correct answer was, of course, the American worker.
The three contestants look at each other, puzzled.
BEAVERTON (CONTINUING)
When John McCain said the fundamentals of the economy were basically sound, he was talking about the strength of the American worker. It – you know, if you could just read John McCain’s mind, the connection would be obvious.FENESQUE
But, hasn’t his mania for deregulation benefited management at the expense of workers?BEAVERTON
I’m sorry, is this game show called What Has John McCain Actually Accomplished In His 26 Years In Washington? I don’t think so. If you were able to read the Republican presidential candidate’s mind, I’m sure you would have seen that he has been concerned about the American worker all alo –
SOUND: cash register.
BEAVERTON (CONTINUING)
Ah. That’s the sound of the cash register. That means it’s time for our bonus round: “Read the minds of John McCain’s friends.”
(reads from card)
Today, players, the bonus mind is of President George W. Bush. The question: who will Bush pardon the day before he leaves office?
(long pause)
Who will Bush pardon before he leaves office? Anybody? Who will Bush Pardon?
(pause)
If nobody attempts to answer the question, you all lose $200 off your annual salary. Are you sure you don’t want to –
Paulson rings his buzzer.
BEAVERTON (CONTINUING)
Yes! Henry Paulson.PAULSON
I’m going to try…everybody in Washington, Becker?BEAVERTON
Everybody in Washington – is that your final answer?PAULSON
Arrgh, I hate when you do that! Umm, yes. Yes, Becker, that is my final answer.BEAVERTON
Judges?
Beaverton looks off for a moment, then looks back at the contestants.
BEAVERTON (CONTINUING)
Oh, I’m sorry, Henry, but I cannot accept that answer. The correct answer, of course, was every Republican in Washington.PAULSON
Ah! So close!BEAVERTON
Yeah. Tell it to Al Gore.
Audience laughs.
BEAVERTON (CONTINUING)
Okay. Back to the game.
(reads from card)
John McCain has voted with the Bush administration over 90 per cent of the time. What, therefore, does he mean when he says: “Yeah, hee hee, I guess you could say that I’m a maverick?”