by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Court Writer
Council in the Constance McPhaedra trial has offered an unusual argument in her defence: she should be found not guilty of treason because she had a rash.
McPhaedra stands accused of hacking into NORAD computers, firing 27 nuclear missiles and having them spell out “I love you, Sarah Marshall” in their engine exhaust over 12 American cities before landing harmlessly in the Pacific Ocean.
Using technology so secret even Jon Stewart is afraid of making fun of it, a very angry Pentagon traced the hack to McPhaedra’s iArm. A classified spokesman for a covert part of the military explained the top secret process in a confidential briefing. Apparently, it had something to do with tracing her IP address. But, in a very hush-hush way.
The iArm is, of course, computer circuitry that is grafted onto the user’s arm, sort of like a skin graft on a burn patient but without the air of generous insouciance. The interface, according to Apple bumph (the promotional material, not the dessert) is supposed to be more intuitive than the iBlisterPack and much easier to carry around than the iHummer.
“Constance got the iArm for her sixteenth birthday,” defense attorney Windermere Shizza stated in an interview with Peephole magazine. “She used it primarily to instant message her friends. Did I mention she was 16? That’s what you do when you’re 16. You instant message your friends. Unfortunately, a couple of months after she got the device, she developed a rash around it and, like any young person with an itch who has only just turned 16, she scratched it. Poor young Constance McPhaedra is guilty of having a nasty skin condition, not intentionally provoking an international incident that could have started World War Three. No, no, no, no, no. We’re going with the skin condition. And, the youth thing. She’s very young.”
“Let me see if I’ve got this straight,” Assistant District Attorney Trini McSlurbian responded in the pages of BUSS weekly. “Windermere expects us to believe that by scratching the arm that held her computer interface, his client just happened to breach NORAD security, fire nuclear missiles, spell out her childish message and sink the missiles in the drink by accident?”
“Yep, pretty much, yeah,” Shizza agreed in his Peephole interview. “I mean, my client doesn’t even know anybody named Sarah Marshall!”
According to documents supplied to the court, the defence in the McPhaedra treason trial plans on calling 127 witnesses to establish her innocence. They include:
- Engelbert Dinglebutt, the MD who pioneered computer skin graft technology, who will explain that some of his patients stubbornly get rashes from it despite all of his scientific arguments with them about why they shouldn’t be;
- Ferdinand and Majellan Kerouc, twins who go to the same school as McPhaedra and have a bit of a crush on her, but not in a creepy kind of way, and, anyway, who pay close attention to her when their paths cross, which they just happened to when she was dissecting a frog in French Lit class at the precise moment the missiles were launched;
- mathematician Roger Penrose, who will argue that unwittingly hacking into NORAD and setting off nuclear weapons by randomly scratching your arm is no less likely than 10,027 French scuba divers starting to sing “Hail, Hail Fredonia” at precisely the same moment, and;
- Rose McPhaedra, Constance’s mother, who will insist that her daughter has always been a very good girl, respectful to her animals and kind to small elders, who would never dream of causing an international incident.
Initially, 127 charges were brought against McPhaedra, including: use of government computing services without valid authorization; driving a nuclear missile without a licence, and; transporting a ferret across state lines without the express written consent of the Commissioner of Major League Baseball.
“Some of the charges were clearly bogus,” Shizza explained in an interview in Vanity Unfair magazine. “ADA McSlurbian thought she could rattle Constance, but she has been a rock. Despite all that the state has thrown at her, her belief in her own innocence has been steadfast. Hard. Adamantine. Exactly like a -“
“I COULD GET HOW MANY YEARS IN PRISON?” McPhaedra shouted from the pages of GIQ magazine.
“A…umm…like a rock,” Shizza concluded.
Opening arguments are set to begin next Tuesday. Opening personal insults will follow on Wednesday, with opening acrimony and tearful, spiteful shouting taking place no later than Friday.
Oh, and the headline refers to the fact that the trial is expected to take a long time. I should have mentioned that. Sorry. Didn’t mean to leave you hanging, there.