So, there’s this country, okay? And, this country is buggin’ you, right? And, I’m not just talkin’ no minor annoyance, either – I’m talkin’ about a major, major buggin’. Okay? So, you decide you need to go to war with this country and wipe it off the face of the Earth. No problem, right? I mean, you got good reason.
Problem.
You can’t just go to the people in your country and say, “We have to go to war because this country is buggin’ me in a major, major way.” Sure, some people will unquestioningly accept this (some people call these some people “sheep,” but other some people prefer to think of them as “patriots”). Unfortunately, there will always be a significant number of people who respond: “You want me to risk my life or the lives of my children in some foreign country just because it bugs you? Even in a major, major way? I need a better reason than that.”
Nobody said democracy was perfect.
Okay, so you gotta give a reason for going to war that people who will not accept, “That country bugs me,” will accept. Those old standbys – raping, looting and pillaging – that were once so acceptable as reasons to go to war are also unlikely to fly with the “buggin’ you ain’t good enough for me” crowd. (I blame CNN, the United Nations and Buddhism.) You need a “good” reason to go to war. Like there is one. Your reason’s gotta be something noble.
What do you know from noble? You’re a politician!
You’re in luck. Most people’s idea of noble means not gnawing the legs off a competitor on the TV show Survivor. Right? Let’s face it: the United States is fast becoming a Lord of the Flies theme park. Okay? It’s not important to act nobly; nobody would appreciate it if you did. All you have to do is sound noble.
No, you probably don’t even have to sound noble, either, but it isn’t that hard, alright? In fact, I have taken the liberty of preparing a menu of platitudes for your, err, platitude spoutin’ pleasure.
| we love freedom | they hate freedom | “Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose.” |
| we love peace | they hate peace | “Take another piece of my heart.” |
| we are reluctant to fight, but we will win | they embrace fighting, but they will lose | “You gotta fight for your right to party!” |
| our cause is just | their cause is unjust | “No one here but just we two…” |
| law is on our side | law is not on their side | “Time is on my side, yes it is…” |
| god is on our side | god will strike them dead | “My sweet lord…” |
| history is on our side | history does not favour them | “Don’t know much about history…” |
| we are reasonable | they are mindless fanatics | “You’ve got your troubles, I’ve got mine…” |
| it’s us or them | it’s them or us | “And after all, we’re only ordinary men…” |
| our suffering is exceptional | their suffering is irrelevant | “When you believe in things you don’t understand, and you suffer…” |
| our violence is reactive | their violence is unprovoked | “Oh, little girl, psychotic reaction…” |
Using this menu couldn’t be simpler. For every 15 second sound bite, choose one platitude from column A or column B. For every 30 second sound bite, choose one platitude from column A and one platitude from column B. For instance: “Ya know, we love peace, but they’re just mindless fanatics.” or: “I gotta tell ya, god is on our side, and he knows that those who hate peace must be prepared for constant war.”
For interviews on MTV or in other youth-oriented media, freely mix song lyrics from column C with platitudes from columns A and B. Using this method, you will be able to create such crowd-pleasing platitudes as: “Well, you know god will strike them dead because history is on our side and, as they say, ‘You’ve got your troubles, I got mine…'”
Sounds just like language, but is guaranteed idea-free.
You may find your enemy using platitudes similar to those in columns A and B and substituting quotes from an appropriate source in column C (the Bible, say, or the Qu’ran). Damn, I can see why those people were buggin’ ya! Don’t worry, though. As long as you speak your platitudes with pious sincerity (and a compliant press doesn’t question you too closely or portray your enemy too favourably), your war will have a 90 per cent approval rating in no time!
People who are used to actually conveying information when they speak may initially have difficulty with this process. But, hey! – public office requires sacrifice, right?