Hello. Most of you already know me, but, for the record, I am Ned Feeblish, representing Les Pages aux Folles OmniMediaCorp, a wholly owned subsidiary of MultiNatCorp (“We do Media Stuff.”). I have been asked to come before the Canadian Radio, Television and Telecommunications Commission – hey, Ted – to explain what’s been happening with the station you licensed to us last year, Folles One.
It has been a promising year at Folles One. We have learned a lot about how to run a television station in one of the hottest, most competitive television markets in North America. We have made some mistakes, yes, but we feel that we have gotten over the steepest part of the learning curve, and are confident that next year will be even better than the year just passed.
I’d like to thank the Commissioners for giving me this opportunity to discuss these issues with you. If you would like any more information, you can always reach me at our corporate head office in Sunnyvale, Saskatchewan. If I’m out, just leave a message with my secretary, Doris, who will be happy to – what? You want to know more about the station? What more could I possibly tell you?
Oh. That. Yes, point well taken. Perhaps our promise to broadcast 27 hours of Canadian content a day was overly ambitious. Hindsight, as they say, is 18/12, but correctable with the proper lenses. The thing is, without having been granted the licence, there was no way we could have known that producing original programming is expensive!
It was a lesson we learned very quickly, though. We have managed to fill two hours a day with a talk show and, umm, another talk show. However, the hours between two and four in the morning are prime talk show time. And, while our shows do tend to get fewer viewers than infomercials for ab busters and retirement homes, we do score big with the all-important four to seven year-old demographic. All, uhh, 12 of them who are watching at that hour. You think CTV gets a hundred per cent penetration rate for any demographic that watches any of its programmes?
Well, yes, Commissioner, thank you for pointing that out. As a matter of fact, our revenue projections were a little…optimistic. Who knew that running the same American talk shows and 50 year-old movies as half the other newly licensed stations on the dial wouldn’t generate enough viewers to satisfy our revenue model? Hindsight, as they say, is 18/12, but that’s a very good year. But, we have learned from our errors. In the coming year, we intend to switch to American reality shows that only a quarter of the other newly licensed stations on the dial will be running, and we won’t programme movies that are older than 20 years.
Canadian content? We’ll be running Spider in heavy rotation in our prime time movie slot. And, uhh, there are the talk shows.
Ah, yes, I knew that that would have to be addressed. The problems with rumours, and I’m sure you’ll all agree, is that they come from unknown and unknowable sources. Could it be somebody with a grudge? Could it be somebody who has recently gone off his meds? Could it be somebody who has – and I say this with the utmost gravity – watched too much X Files and sees conspiracies everywhere? The –
I beg your pardon? You…saw Donatello Pupatello, Les Pages aux Folles OmniMediaCorp’s CEO, dining with Arnold Craiggie, head of Craiggie Media? Well, uhh, Commissioner, could it be that they are old friends who were just catching up on – there was a contract between them, was there? They had a pen out? Okay, you don’t have to paint me a picture. Notwithstanding my previous statement about rumours – I am certain, Commissioner, that you only ever watched X Files in moderation – sometimes…sometimes rumours are true. So, yes, Les Pages aux Folles OmniMediaCorp has…technically been negotiating the sale of its television division, which does, indeed, include Folles One, to Craiggie Media. But, it is by no means a done deal. I mean, the check hasn’t cleared the bank yet.
Licence shopping? That’s harsh, don’t you think? The fact that Les Pages aux Folles OmniMediaCorp stands to make 12 times the amount of money it has put into Folles One by the sale of the television division in no way invalidates all of the effort we have put into making the station a success. Our record speaks for itself… Now, Ted, sarcasm does not become you. No, Les Pages aux Folles OmniMediaCorp has made every effort to make Folles One a success. Besides, what are you going to do? Revoke the license?
Uhh…would you allow me a moment to rephrase that…?