Fucking Phlogistons!
I mean, they come over here and take our jobs away from us. They clean our toilets and tend our lawns and look after our children – these are all jobs we could be doing – and getting paid a decent wage for – if the Phlogistons hadn’t come here and took them from us. Not that I would actually do any of those jobs myself, but there are plenty of other non-Phlogistons who would kill for the opportunity.
Just to look at them. You can tell that Phlogistons’re bad news, with their small heads and funny clothes. Half the time they don’t learn the language so good, and how do they expect to fit in with us if they don’t? And, what’s with their rubbing their hands all the time? Rubbing, rubbing, rubbing – they must’ve brought something with them from Phlogistan when they came over in the boats, you know? It’s just plain creepy, you ask me.
Fitting in when you come here’s important. They don’t bother to learn our history and shit – what’s up with that? Don’t they have books in Phlogistan? I mean, where the hell is Phlogistan, anyway? The Middle East or Eastern Europe or some shit like that? Man, there is just no excuse for the ignorance of Phlogistons no matter where they come from.
Bad shit happens when you don’t fit in. Phlogistons come here and immediately go on Welfare, sucking from the government teat while those of us who were born here pay taxes to support them. If they just learned our language, history and work ethic, they would know better, but they can’t be bothered, and, if we’re stupid enough to let them get away with it, why should they?
See, what I’m trynna say’s Phlogistons – they’re basically lazy people. Don’t know what a hard day’s work is. My Uncle Fred – yeah, the one laid up with the chronic hangnail – don’t be an asshole: he’d work if he could – he says Phlogistons come from Commie countries where they’re taught not to work if they don’t have to. Hey! My Uncle Fred fought Commies in the Cold War – he knows his shit. Sure, he was a librarian – didn’t say he wasn’t. When nobody was looking, he pulled books by Russian authors off the shelves and took them home and burned them. He did his part.
And, don’t think I didn’t notice you trying to change the subject. Look, I got nothing against Phlogistons as people. I’m sure some of them would be very nice if they wore normal clothes and took a bath every once in a while. But, you can’t deny the fact that they’re overrunning the country. It’s a fucking infestation of Phlogistons. And, they breed like rabbits. At the current rate of immigration and procreation, Phlogistons will outnumber non-Phlogistons in this country by the year 2273. Think about the implications of that! If you aren’t fucking freaked out, you should be.
Yeah, yeah, you can talk that Liberal shit all you want, but ask yourself a simple question: would you want your sister to marry one? She what? And, you let her? Man, don’t you know that the children of mixed Phlogiston non-Phlogiston marriages have a 98 per cent chance of growing up retarded? It’s a fact! Their small heads – they’re not big enough to hold a proper human brain. You want me to show you the studies? Their brains get squashed by their skulls – that’s why they don’t seem able to think clearly.
Whatever, man. If you don’t care about your sister or her children, what about the non-Phlogiston race? If we intermarry with their kind, pretty soon you won’t be able to tell us from them. We have a fucking heritage, man, we’ve got a fucking culture – you wanna lose all of that because some guys can’t keep it in their pants?
No, no, if you wanna fuck a Phlogiston girl, be my guest. Although, if a Phlogiston man even looks at any of my sisters, he better expect to lose a few teeth. Asshole. All’s I’m saying is, you don’t have to marry them to get those kind of benefits. Sow your wild fucking oats, then settle down with a good non-Phlogiston girl.
What? Yeah. Sure. No, no, we all got things to do. No problem. See you in church Sunday? Okay, then. Bye.
Phlogiston lover.