The takeover of Canadian brewing company Molson’s by American brewing company Coors was a silver bullet through the heart of every proud Canadian.
It was to be expected that Coors would end Molson’s “I am Canadian” advertising campaign after the takeover. After all, jingoistic advertising when you’re American is patriotic; jingoistic advertising when you’re Canadian is just plain rude.
What have they been replaced with? Model-cute women gazing longingly at…well, you, you beer-swilling Casanova, you! And, if the new Molson’s ads look like every other beer commercial that’s ever been on television (and, for all we know, painted on the walls of caves millennia ago), well…the next time you take over a brewery, you can have whatever ad campaign you want, Sparky.
It’s not as though the advertising is false: it’s a proven scientific fact that drinking beer makes a man attractive to members of the opposite sex. There’s something about a beer gut that women find…uhh, well, okay, that part of it maybe not so much. If beer companies really wanted to do their customers a favour, they would sponsor advertising campaigns aimed at women intended to convince them that overweight men are sexy. I’d buy the beer of a company that did that, and I don’t even drink alcohol.
Still, imagine yourself staring into the eyes of a beautiful woman. Deep. She is expecting something romantic to come out of your mouth, and you don’t disappoint: you belch Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony in your most profundo basso. If she doesn’t swoon, she’s obviously not a classical music lover – next time, try belching some Coltrane. Or, possibly, Madonna.
Nobody can say beer drinkers aren’t sophisticated. When the announcer in the new Canadian commercials talks about a woman “letting you play with her puppies,” we know he’s not talking about her canine companions. It’s not exactly Voltaire, but even wit must succumb to these times of diminished expectations.
And, speaking of diminished expectations…one of the side effects of too much alcohol consumption is that it makes it harder for a man to get an…uhh…okay, put another way…when a man is drunk, his male member doesn’t get…no, that isn’t much better. Uhh, drinking increases one’s arousal but decreases one’s…err…ability to…uhh…to…
Look, there are no chubbies for rummies, okay?
You might think that such advertising would appeal primarily to horny teenagers who don’t know any of the sad, sad long-term effects of drinking beer. You would be wrong, of course, since the legal age for the purchase and consumption of alcohol is 18, and beer company executives would never do anything illegal. Hey! – is it their fault they never learned how to count?
Molson’s (really Coors – nudge, nudge, wink, wink) has a fallback plan in case potential beer drinkers don’t find the increased risk of mutilation and/or death from accidents caused by driving drunk sufficiently sexy: free t-shirts! Yes, a 98 cent piece of cloth with a goofy slogan on it is just the thing to increase the sales of two-fours of beer. Too bad they didn’t think of this when “The Rant” was on TV, but I assume Coors buys their non-nationalistic t-shirts in bulk.
If it was up to me, the t-shirts would have slogans like “Thash tha shtupidesht…thash tha shtu – uhh, yeah” and “Heavy date rape risk.” This is just one of the many reasons I’m not currently making a fortune in the advertising industry.
Another tactic the American company is importing to Canada is the release of new versions of old drinks with special new ingredients. It may taste like bat guano – indeed, it may even be bat guano – but if it has a name like “healtholin” or “autraspiccoli” or “shamazz” it’s bound to increase Canadian’s market share.
It does this because – let’s be honest here – behind the goofy grin of the guy ordering the next round is a dark look around his eyes. It’s not just the remnants of last night’s hangover, although that may be a contributing factor. No, our happy-go-lucky drunkard is haunted by the wreckage of his life 20 years from now, the opportunities missed, the time poorly spent. Anything that makes him think beer can actually be good for him will let him put off this horrible vision long enough to get totally wasted, at which point he won’t care. If I owned a beer company, I would paste “now includes eight essential vitamins and iron” on the side of every can.
Take that, Sparky.