by SASKATCHEWAN KOLONOSCOGRAD, Alternate Reality News Service Religion/Philosophy Writer
I asked Shlomo Putskin, who survived Auschwitz, why he was such a pain in the ass kvetch.
“Hey, bubbelach!” he told me. “I might be dead, but that doesn’t mean I don’t pay attention to what’s going on in the world!”
In order to make the experience of Jewish survivors more accessible to people, the Las Vegas Holocaust Museum has begun employing artificial intelligence to animate the images of survivors. This has allowed visitors to the Museum to ask the survivors questions about their experiences. What could possibly go wrong?
“Oy!” Putskin exclaimed. “You want I should make you a list?”
No need. In order to better answer people’s questions, the AI was programmed to search a database of Holocaust information online. Somehow, it broke out and found stories about…well, I’ll let Putskin explain it.
“Gaza!” he spat out. “When I first heard about the famine in Gaza, I thought, What do these pishers know from starving? In the Ghetto, we knew what it was like to starve! But then, I saw the pictures of the dead families, and read the stories of half a million starving people, and I grew angry. At us. How could Jews do such a thing to anybody else after all we’ve been through‽”
“Shlomo asked me if I knew what was going on in Gaza,” explained Safah Gvortnik, another AI Holocaust survivor (of Dachau). “I told him, ‘Don’t hak mir un cheinik! I don’t want to know from no Palestinian terrorists!’ Then, he showed me the pictures of newborns who had died because the hospitals didn’t have oil to run generators to power incubators. And he pointed me to the stories of the children who wrote their names on their arms and legs so that if they were blown apart by Israeli bombs, their family could recover all of their body parts. And, I thought, This is what I suffered for? So this could be done in my name? Pfeh!“
There was more emotion in that one syllable than an entire Robert DeNiro performance.
“I hate to argue with a Holocaust survivor,” stated Ian Steinburger, President of the United Jewish Hegemony (UJH), “but -“
“So, don’t!” interrupted Gvortnik.
Steinburger may have had a point – we’ll never know for sure. When you’re shushed by a Holocaust survivor, you stay shushed. Still. Imagine you take your family to learn about atrocities done to distant relatives – the last thing you want to hear about is atrocities committed by distant relatives.
“That’s not what I was going to say,” Steinburger managed to get in. “But it’s a good point, too.”
“So, we should ignore atrocities happening today to remember atrocities that happened 80 years ago, already?” Putskin scoffed.
“AI!” despaired Founder and Executive Director of Bastard AI Governance and Safety, Canada Wyatt Tessari L’Allie (his real name). “Bastard AI!” After a moment, he added: “Although, in this case, the AI might actually have a point. You know what? Forget I said anything. I’ll still get paid for contributing to the article…right? Right‽“
“Look – Israel is the victim, here, and it has a right to defend itself,” Steinburger argued. When I pointed out that this appeared to be arguing with Holocaust survivors, he shrugged and told me: “We live in strange times.”
“You’re telling me?” Gvortnik said. “One minute, I’m dead, the next, I’m supposed to believe that a country with one of the largest armies in the world is right in slaughtering innocent people who have no way to defend themselves? You know who liked to commit atrocities while claiming to be the victim? Do I have to say it? Because I will…”
“What, you think Jews can’t harbour grudges?” Putskin added. “You think Jews can’t hate? Let me tell you a story. Moishe Teitelbaum was five years old when his brother, Joshua, accidentally stepped on the horse drawn beer cart that his father had carved for him for his birthday. You know when Moishe forgave his brother? Never! That’s when! Well, maybe in…the camp. Neither of them survived, so we’ll never know. Trust me. Jews can be just as petty and vile as anybody!” After a moment, he added to his addition, “Not that that’s anything to be proud of…”
“…You just give me a reason, and I will say it. I may not even wait for your reason. I mean, I don’t need your permission to say anything. Dammit, I will say it! You know who else claimed to be a victim to justify their atrocities? It was -“
We get the point Safah. You really don’t have to say it.