“Open wide and say, ‘Aaah.’”
“What are you going to do?”
“I’m going to look down your throat. We’ve done this many times before…”
“What is that?”
“A tongue depressor.”
“It’s gold.”
“Don’t be silly. If I had a gold tongue depressor, do you really think I would use it to depress people’s tongues? I would probably use it to pay for a trip around the world.”
“It looks gold.”
“It’s gold plated. Now, open wide and –”
“Why do you have a gold plated tongue depressor?”
“It was a gift from GlaxoKlineRexdaleMcGuffinSchmedley. If you look at the bottom, you can just make out the company’s logo: two snakes strangling a hospital administrator.”
“I’m sorry, I don’t understand. Why is GlaxKli…err…”
“GlaxoKlineRexdaleMcGuffinSchmedley.”
“Yeah. Them. Why are they giving you gold-plated tongue depressors?”
“They just gave me one!”
“Whatever.”
“Are they giving other doctors more than one?”
“I don’t know! Why are they giving you any at all?”
“Well, ahh, to remind me of their latest product, Flutoxicone, known publicly as Coniflutox.”
“What does that drug do?”
“It’s really not relevant to –”
“I’m curious.”
“It’s for irritable bowel syndrome. Unless your body is connected in ways they don’t teach in medical school, I won’t be checking for that with a tongue depressor. Now, please, open your mouth and say, ‘Aaah.’”
“Aaaah.”
“One more time. With feeling.”
“AAAAAH.”
“Okay.”
“This FluxCapacitor –”
“Flutoxicone, known publicly as Coniflutox. Yes?”
“Does it work?”
“What kind of a question is that?”
“Seemed reasonable enough to me. Does it work?”
“Pfah – how would I know? You think I have time to read all the medical literature? The Journal of Appendectal Lapriscopy alone publishes 18 volumes a month! No, I let the FDA and Health Canada figure that stuff out.”
“Okay, and, what do the FDA and Health Canada say about fluxto –”
“Flutoxicone, known publicly as Coniflutox. Yes. They say it seems safe to recommend it for patients under certain conditions.”
“What conditions?”
“That the patients are elderly and likely to die soon anyway. They’re very strict, Health Canada is.”
“Umm, doctor, I hate to ask this, but do you prescribe this Fluxtonic?”
“Flutoxicone, known publicly as Coniflutox? As a matter of fact, I do, yes.”
“And, would the fact that they give you free gold tongue –”
“Gold-plated.”
“Would the fact that they give you free gold-plated tongue depressors –”
“Just the one.”
“Does it have anything to do with the fact that you prescribe their drug?”
“Prescribe their – oh, no. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. Goodness me, no. The fact that they gave me one lousy gold-plated tongue depressor is not a factor in my prescribing their drug.”
“That’s goo –”
“The dinner at the Four Seasons is a whole other matter, however.”
“Dinner at the Four Seasons?”
“They make a terrific haddock bisque – have you ever had it?”
“So, this company pays for a fancy dinner and you promote their drugs to your patients.”
“To be fair, the trip to Florida was an important consideration.”
“The drug company paid for a trip to Florida?”
“Just for me and the misses. They drew the line at my eight children. Do you know how much babysitters for a week cost?”
“The drug company paid for a trip for you and your wife to Florida!”
“It was for a medical convention. I have to keep my skills up, you know.”
“What skills did you learn at this medical convention in Florida?”
“Not to be so slow snapping my wrists on my backswing.”
“You spent your time at the medical convention paid for by the pharmaceutical company playing golf?”
“What part of ‘I have to keep my skills up’ did you not understand?”
“Do you do this for a lot of drug companies?”
“Define ‘a lot.’”
“More than one.”
“Well, you have to understand, there are medical conferences in hot tourist spots practically every other week. But, that’s a sacrifice I’m prepared to make to ensure that I have the most up-to-date medical knowledge to better serve my patients…especially if I don’t have to pay for it.”
“Umm, doctor, why would anybody trust anything you tell them knowing that drug company freebies affect your diagnoses?”
“For my judgment, of course.”
“Your judgment?”
“Damn straight. I’ve had over 20 years of experience in the field of medicine – I know which drug company offers to accept and which to refuse.”
“I’m outta here.”
“Don’t you want a prescription?”
“No.”
“I think you need a prescription.”
“Why should I trust you?”
“Hey! Who’s the doctor here?”