“Mornin’ Madge.”
“Mornin’ Betty. Haven’t seen you around the Dollar Store lately.”
“Well, I been busy chairing the Mayor’s Taskforce on the International Economic Crisis, haven’t I?”
“What can the Mayor do about the international economic crisis?”
“He can…I mean…umm…that is to say…well, he can appoint a taskforce to study it, can’t he?”
“Forward thinking, our Mayor is.”
“Almost progressive. Well, compared to the alternatives these days. You know how it is.”
“Expectations have never been so diminished.”
“Precisely.”
“So, tell me, Betty, are things really as bad as 1929?”
“Oh, no, Madge. The current economic malaise is nothing like in 1929.”
“It’s not?”
“For sure not. Last time, when confronted with the reality of the horrible economic mess that they had contributed to, and having lost everything, brokers threw themselves out of windows. This time, they shoot themselves…and anybody who happens to be around, like family members. Especially family members.”
“They take others with them.”
“Precisely.”
“Of course, they could have taken others with them then, too…if they had landed on them.”
“Uhh…true. Except, of course, if they had better aim, they wouldn’t have killed the economy in the first place.”
“Tut. Too true. Too true.”
“Oh, tut tut, yes.”
“Yes…so, what can the Mayor do?”
“Well! He can propose that Council produce a stimulus package for the city.”
“Like…giving people free drugs?”
“No, that would be a stimulant package. This is a stimulus package.”
“Oh. Stimulus package, eh? Sounds…smutty.”
“Noooo – you’re thinking of a sexual stimulus package. This –”
“I certainly was!”
“Yes, well, that’s all fine and well for you, it is, but I’m talking about an economic stimulus package.”
“Like…giving people free drugs?”
“How would that stimulate the economy?”
“We’d have to hire more police officers to keep the peace with all those stoned people walking the city streets.”
“I, uhh, yes, well, as much as I can see the, err, value of…that, I, uhh, think it would be more of a…a…a long-term project, whereas I think the economy needs a more…immediate stimulus.”
“Very diplomatically put.”
“Thank you.”
“Usually, you would just tell me that I’m being a right burke and I should keep my loony ideas to myself.”
“Well, public consultation is an important part of the process.”
“I see.”
“Even if the public is a bunch of right burkes that should keep their loony ideas to themselves.”
“God bless democracy.”
“Indeed.”
“So, ah, Betty, what kind of stimulus is your taskforce looking at?”
“Well, Madge, I’m so glad you asked. What we’re looking at is a multi-pronged fiscal programme that will protect the major economic players while giving consumers more liquidity in order to spur the level of spending necessary to stave off deflation.”
“…And…how do you propose to do this?”
“Well, we haven’t worked out many of the details, yet…”
“Can you give me the broad picture?”
“To be honest, we haven’t worked out any of the details, yet…”
“But…will it cost a lot of money?”
“Oh, you bet! We plan on distributing the money immediately!”
“And, when do you plan on having a…plan to distribute the money?”
“Oh, six months…maybe a year. When you expect to distribute as much money as we do, you want to be a hundred per cent certain that your plan doesn’t have any flaws!”
“But – mmm…okay. And, how do you expect the city will be able to pay for this?”
“It will get the money from the province.”
“What if the province is unwilling to kick in?”
“Bastards! Then, the city will get the money from the federal government.”
“What if the feds won’t give you any money?”
“Other bastards! Then we’ll just have to [mumble mumble].”
“Did you say: braise faxes?”
“No, I said: [mumble cough].”
“Praise Loraxes?”
“No, [mumble mumble]!”
“Appraise praxis?”
“Will you get serious? [mumble mumble!]”
“Chaise prophylaxis?”
“You want me to say ‘raise taxes,’ don’t you? Well, I – oh, bugger!”
“So, the truth comes out.”
“Well, we’re in the middle of the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression. Even Katie Malloch says so, so you know it must be true!”
“Mmm…have you at least considered reregulating industry?”
“Re-whosit whatsits?”
“Reregulating industry – especially the financial industry – the businesses that governments have been so busy deregulating since the 1980s.”
“Why would we do that?”
“To make sure that the crisis didn’t happen again?”
“We can do that?”
“Of course you –”
“Do you have a pen? I should really write some of this down!”