“You’re listening to Love’s Labours Misplaced, the cozy little nest on the radio where those who have lost their way on the road to eternal fulfillment in couplehood come for a warm cup of coffee and a sympathetic ear. As a special treat, today we have a guest host: Stephen Harper, leader of the Conservative Party of Canada.”
“Hello, everybody. I don’t need to introduce myself, I think, so why don’t we go straight to your calls? Caller number one, you’re on the air.”
“Stephen? Hi.”
“Hi.”
“Just wanted to let you know that I didn’t vote for you in the last election.”
“You’re from Ontario, aren’t you?”
“What if I am?”
“Okay, next caller. Do you have a problem with an affair of the heart?”
“Hi, Stephen. Yeah. My name’s Jonathan. Uhh, my girlfriend, Darlene, well, one day, she just up and left me. I…I had no idea…”
“I know exactly what you mean, Jonathan. When Belinda Stronach left Peter MacKay to join the Liberal Party, we were all in shock. But, uhh, especially Peter. It was hardest on Peter.”
“Uhh, right. So, anyway, I feel kind of…stunned. I’m not comfortable going to parties – I’m not sure how my friends will react – I…I don’t want any pity. All of a sudden, I don’t know what to say or do any more…”
“Way ahead of you on this one, Jonathan. Peter wasn’t sure about his next performance in the House of Commons. Would the other MPs laugh at him? Would they look at him with pity tinged with contempt? He kept rewriting his next speech as a way of actually avoiding getting out there on the floor and making it.”
“Could we, uhh, maybe talk about me and my problem, do you think?”
“We are, Jonathan. We are. When Peter came to me, his heart shattered by the fickleness of woman, I told him what I’m about to tell you: go back out there and blast the Liberals to hell. You have to get back on that horse and make political hay out of it. You see what I’m getting at, here?”
“I, uhh, guess…”
“Great, Jonathan. Thanks for calling. Next caller?”
“Harper, you moron! You have the worst political instincts of anybody I ever met, and I worked with Stockwell [BLEEP]ing Day! We all told you to give that Stronach woman a prominent place in your shadow cabinet, but did you listen? You know what they say? Keep your friends close and your enemies closer, even if it means stapling them to your lips! Better physical pain than the pain of betrayal!”
“Do you, uhh, have a question, caller?”
“Hold on, I wasn’t finished, I was just taking a breath. She says she likes some of the Liberal Party’s economic policies, contradicting your statements that they’ve made a deal with the devil on the budget. So, what do you do? Take the high road and say that there is room in your party for a healthy policy debate? Noooooo. You call her in to your office and read her the riot act. Why not just give her a key to the executive bathroom in Liberal Party headquarters?”
“Look, if you don’t have a quest -“
“Oh, but the best part is when Stronach crosses over to the Liberal side of the House. Again, you could’ve taken the high road and praised her and expressed regret or some such [BLEEP] that you lost her. But, what did you do? You pouted! You think William Lyon Mackenzie King ever pouted? Hell, you think Pierre Trudeau ever pouted? And, he was pretty! You accused her of being more concerned with power than principle – brilliant strategy, that one. What principle drove you to insist on an election that most Canadians didn’t want? The principle of keeping Paul Martin from making good on his promise to clean up the Liberal Party after Gomery filed his final report and becoming a hero, that’s what! Son, you got the political instincts of a slug with an addiction to salty potato chips!”
“Okay, look, I don’t have to – Preston, is that you?”
“What if it is?”
“NEXT CALLER!”
“Stephen?”
“Yes?”
“Hi. My name is Ron. My wife of seven years recently left me for another man. I…I want to kill him. What should I do?”
“Well, you know, Peter MacKay wanted to force a showdown with Paul Martin when Belinda Stronach defected to the Liberals. I couldn’t allow that, of course, because I was already facing Martin down. But, also, it just isn’t smart to make that kind of decision in the heat of passion. Give yourself some time to calm down. If you still feel this way after a few days, kill the [BLEEP]er.”
“Why wait?”
“When you’ve had a chance to calm down, you’ll be in a better position to develop a plan of revenge that will be more effective and satisfy – okay, I’m getting a signal that it’s time to take a commercial break. Please stay tuned for more…Love’s Labours Misplaced…”