by MARA VERHEYDEN-HILLIARD, Alternate Reality News Service War/National Security Writer
Vladimir Putin, President to the End of Time, looks straight into the camera and says something that translates roughly as: “Friends, I come to here today with glorious news. We have been wasting time and resources attacking Ukraine. Screw Ukraine! Ukraine is our enemy like [UNTRANSLATABLE] is a three legged pony! The United States – now, there’s an enemy! It is time for the country that gave us nuclear weapons, nuclear waste and The Flintstones to pay for its crimes against humanity! So, as of one hour ago, Russia invaded the United States. Their major cities were attacked with nuclear bombs, and even as I speak, our soldiers are taking over many of their capitals.”
In English, he added: “Joe Biden, you are a scurvy, mangy son of a sea lion whose whiskers have been clipped! Ha ha ha ha ha!”
At the same time that video surfaced, a video of American President Joe Biden was released. Looking directly into the camera, he said: “My fellow Americans. It pains me to have to say it, but we – I have run out of patience with Russia’s invasion of Ukraine. It isn’t right. Not right. Many people have been hurt. Some of them even died. Not right. So not right. So, as of one hour ago, I sent all of our available military forces to invade Russia. I’m not going to kid you: nuclear weapons were involved. We bombed the hell out of them. Bombed them real good. It’s unlikely any of their major cities survived.”
In Russian, he added what translates as: “Vladimir Putin, you are a flea-infested used encyclopedia salesman who really ought to have known better! Ha ha ha ha ha!”
These videos came as news to people in Washington and Moscow, whose lives had not been interrupted by any nuclear unpleasantness. It did, however, ensure that the Kremlin and the Pentagon were put on high antsiness (aka: DefCon WE’RE ALL ABOUT TO DIE!).
“Oh, my Gord! Oh, my Gord! Oh, my Gord! We’re all going to die!” moaned an official at Strategic Air Command, Kids (SACK).
“Don’t pay Private Paritee any mind,” said General Nathan Ordures. “This is his first rodeo, and he has a low tolerance for bull!”
An hour after that, the following message was posted on InstaTok: “Hi, everybody. Mikey Donato from the Bronx here. I was dared to make a provocative video of Vladimir Putin by my friend Artyom Kalushnik in Yekaterinburg. I told him I would do it if he would make a similar video about President Biden. We seem to have upset some people with our prank. A lot of people. Including some very powerful people. So, we would just like everybody to know that we’re very, very sorry and that we will never do it again. Okay? Okay.”
Artyom Kalushnik has disappeared. This made him extremely unavailable for comment.
How did a couple of teenage boys make videos that –
“AI!” despaired Founder and Executive Director of Bastard AI Governance and Safety, Canada Wyatt Tessari L’Allie (his real name). “Bastard AI!”
I hadn’t even finished my question!
“Sorry,” L’Allie apologized. “I sometimes suffer from premature speculation. My rhetoric therapist has told me I’m making good progress, but the process takes ti –
This was taking the article in an unfortunate direction, so I stepped in to point out that, yes, AI was involved. The videos were known as Deep Fakes, which were created by a combination of video editing, sound synthesis and Artificial Intelligence. Neither was perfect (Putin’s mouth curled in a sneer every three and a half seconds, while Biden’s eyes crinkled playfully every four seconds, signs that the videos were cobbled together with loops of the world leaders), but they were good enough to cause an international panic.
“Mikey is not a terrorist,” claimed his mother, Renatta Donato. “He’s just a naughty, naughty boy!” She then offered the military policemen in her kitchen some cookies (rumour has it that they were button pecan), but the officers looked stoically at the walls.
Kalushnik’s mother was unavailable for comment.
“Remember when protesters used to say: ‘The world is watching?'” L’Allie returned to the matter at hand. “Well, the world should no longer believe its eyes. Deep Fakes have left the world confused, and vulnerable to all manner of disinformation. Frankly, if I was the world, I would stay off all social media until a system that validated the authenticity of video was put in place.”
Then, he added; “Bastard AI!” With a sheepish grin, he explained: “Sorry. It’s sorta my brand.”