“Mah name is Jimmy Joe Jungerlandeau. Ah done been workin fer the General Chrysford auto parts assembly plant down there in Mobile, Hawaii fer nigh on 90 year, man and boy. Allus I gotta say’s things is bad. Things is mighty bad. Hurtin bad. Bad hurtin bad. Why, things’re so mighty bad hurtin bad that some months I can barely put food on the table fer mah 37 chilluns. Half the time, we hasta choose between using coal ta heat our two bedroom home and servin it up fer dinner! That’s how deep down bad hurtin bad things’ve got.”
And, that, ladies and gentlemen, is why –
“Ah tweren’t done speakin, yet.”
It’s the sad plight of auto workers like Jimmy Joe Jungerlandeau that I want you to keep in mind when you cast your vote for the $25 billion emergency loan to General Chrysford.
“Ah didn’t get ta the part about havin ta sell mah three youngest chilluns ta the fertilizer company!”
“That, aah, won’t be necessary, Mister Jungerlandeau! I think I speak for all of the members of the Senate Subcommittee on Economic Fuckupedness when I say that your story has touched us all, and –”
“Mister Chairman, what’s that sound?”
“The Senior Senator for the pretty good state of Rhode Island has a question?”
“That sound, what is it?”
“What does it sound like, Senator?”
“It sounds…like a party…”
“A party?”
“Yeah. There’s laughter…the popping of corks in bottles…and, is that…chamber music?”
“Mister Chairman, I have to concur with my distinguished colleague – that is definitely chamber music.”
Aah, with all due respect to the distinguished gentlemen and lady on the committee, I think you’re completely misunderstanding what’s going on. What you think is laughter is actually the wailing of the spouses of auto workers who can no longer put food on the table for their children. The popping you hear is not champagne corks, it’s the firing of small bore pistols that laid off auto workers use to put themselves out of their misery.
“And, the chamber music?”
Chamber music. Right. Chamber music. That’s not, uhh, chamber music. It’s…a dirge.
“A dirge?”
Umm…yes? For the plight of…of auto workers like Jimmy Joe Jungerlandeau. Do you realize that times are so tough that he had to sell the hyphen between Jimmy and Joe?
“With respect, Mister Chairman…”
“The chair recognizes the Senior Senator from the simply fabulous state of California.”
“Thank you. It really sound to me like somebody is laughing. It’s coming from behind that curtain in the back of the hearing room.”
Aah, please, pay no attention to what is going on behind the curtain.
“What is going on behind the curtain?”
Didn’t I just ask you not to pay any attention to it?
“I’m trying, but the music is making it hard to concentrate on your testimony. I’ve had to turn up my hearing aid twice already!”
Oh. Ah. Okay. That’s the General Chrysford brain trust trying to find ways to make our cars more competitive, again.
“I assume they are considering making your cars smaller and more fuel efficient?”
Actually, they’re looking at new advertising campaigns. But smaller, more fuel efficient cars – what the hell, that might work. I’ll suggest it to them when I go back there for my glass of champagne.
“Champagne?”
Champagne Who said anything about champagne? I said I’d suggest it to them when I went back for my glass of…coal.
“Mister Chairman?”
“The chair recognizes the Senior Senator from the merely okay state of Utah.”
“Thank you, Mister Chairman. It sounds to me as though the brain trust at General Chrysford is not sharing in the misery of its workers.”
No, no, no, no, no. That’s absolutely not true! The…coal we’re drinking? It’s domestic! We haven’t had to resort to drinking domestic coal since the winter of 1930!
“It’s hard for me to have any sympathy for you when you came to Washington on corporate jets.”
We didn’t!
“No? How did you get here?”
Ahh…corporate skateboards.
“Skateboards?”
Don’t think that wasn’t a hardship, either. Most General Chrysford executives have never stepped foot in a gym, even though they get free membership…
“I’m ready to look behind the curtain.”
Whoa! Let’s keep this in perspective. This isn’t about the General Chrysford brain trust. This…this is about the little people –
“‘Member me? I’m the guy what talks funny so you knows I’m all authentic and shit.”
When you vote for the emergency assistance package, don’t bother looking behind the curtain. Remember, it’s regular people like Jimmy Joe Jungerlandeau who desperately need your help…