“Sanctions! Economic sanctions! Do you hear what I’m saying! Is this mike on? They intend to apply economic sanctions against American imports! Mister Speaker, I think I speak for every member of this body – hell, every man, woman and child in the United States of America – when I say, ‘Just who do these Canadians think they are?’ Not Americans – that’s for damn sure! – if their duty on corn is any indication! This is a wanton act of protectionism, and…and no good can come of it! No good, I tell you!”
Senator Bradley Offurzeit was in the midst of a full-scale, nail everything to the floors or it will be blown away, self-righteous bluster. The debate, to lend the procession of anti-Canadian sentiment a credibility it didn’t otherwise merit, had gone on for several hours, with little indication that it would let up soon. Some Senators had actually taken to reading the Congressional Record as an alternative to rhetoric-induced catatonia.
“After all,” Offurzeit droned on, “it’s not as if we did anything wrong. Our corn producers are among the finest in the world…” A page appeared at the Senator’s side. “In fact, they probably are the finest in the world!” The page cleared his throat, to no effect. “If we have had to correct the insufficiencies of the marketplace, we have only acted within our rights, unlike the Canadian scoundrels who -“
“Senator Offurzeit?” the page hesitantly asked.
“Go away, son,” the Senator shooed him away with a wave of his hand, not taking his eye off the camera. “I’m on a roll.”
“It’s the phone, sir,” the page insisted. “An urgent message.”
“From who?” the Senator, annoyed, threw away years of Strunk and White training.
“The American Lumber Association.” Senator Offurzeit clamped a thick fist on the microphone in front of him. He mouthed the words “American Lumber Association? Really?” The page nodded his head sombrely.
“W…w…what do they want?” the Senator quietly, almost reverently, asked. His hands started to tremble, causing a nasty grating sound which woke several Senators napping in the back.
“They want to know if the tariff on Canadian lumber is still in effect, or if you have any plans to remove it in the future.”
Senator Offurzeit adopted an innocent expression he kept for just such occasions. “Why, of course the lumber tariff is still in effect. Whatever could have made them think otherwise?” he asked, almost pleasantly.
“They were watching your anti-protectionist speech on cable.”
The Speaker of the House, who had been daydreaming about presiding over a true debate involving Washington, Lincoln and Twiggy, drifted back to reality when he realized nobody was saying anything. “Is the Senator prepared to yield the floor?” he asked, hopefully.
“Certainly not, Mister Speaker,” Senator Offurzeit, momentarily uncovering the microphone, responded.
“I thought not,” the Speaker sighed.
“Tell the American Lumber Association that there’s a world of difference between our action against Canada and their action against us.” The page nodded and ran off. “I’m sorry, Mister Speaker,” Senator Offurzeit apologized. “Urgent constituency business. Now, as I was about to say…” Before he could get up a full head of steam (or, rather, before he could release it), the page was by his side, demanding his attention.
“What is it?” the Senator hissed.
“They want to know what the difference is,” the page dully responded.
“The difference? What difference?”
“The difference between our imposition of trade barriers on Canadian goods and their imposition of trade barriers on our goods.”
Senator Offurzeit, a politician with many years of experience, managed to mix impatience, condescension and sarcastic disgust when he replied, “Clearly, our trade barriers are corrections to intolerable foreign government interference while their trade barriers are unfair intrusions in the workings of the marketplace.”
“Oh. I still don’t understand.”
Senator Offurzeit hoped he never had to run against this page in an election. “Because our trade barriers help our industries, but their trade barriers hurt our industries. How much plainer can I make it?”
“But, if it’s wrong for one country to put up trade barriers, shouldn’t it be wrong for everybody to put up trade barriers?”
Senator Offurzeit felt his anger rising; here was a person whose obtuseness rivaled his own! “What can I say?” he growled. “The American Lumber Association donated $50,000 to my Political Action Committee! I’d be a fool if I didn’t look out for their interests!”
Somebody in the house gasped. Senator Offurzeit, realizing he had spoken into a live microphone, turned several shades of purple and blustered, “Mister Speaker, if I may just say…”
“I think you’ve already said enough,” the Speaker, embarrassed, told the Senator.
Indeed.