Two viruses, Alan Ivan Dennis Simpson and Adam Ian David Stevens, met while attempting to negotiate the rush hour traffic in their host’s bloodstream. “Hey, Alan,” Adam greeted his old friend, “haven’t seen you in a while. What have you been up to?”
“Oh, hibernating, mostly,” Alan replied. “You?”
“Hibernating. I was thinking of heading down to the T4 Fitness Cell and Health Spa. Care to join me?”
Not being member of the T4 Cell, the two viruses were not welcome, and were forced to create their own entrance in the back. Shedding their envelops, they made their way to the edge of the gene pool, dangling their retrograde RNA over the side.
“This is the life, isn’t it?” Alan asked.
“I don’t know,” Adam answered. “I’ve been thinking lately that there must be more. I mean, don’t you ever feel like settling down and multiplying, like becoming a productive agent of The Disease?”
Alan snagged a passing chromosome and began munching on it. “I suppose so,” it said, “but, I’m not sure this is the best time. You know, we’ve been getting a lot of bad press lately – there’s even talk of a television information campaign. It’s enough to make a poor virus never want to come out of hibernation!”
“There’s a television information campaign?”
“Well, there’s supposed to be a television information campaign. They figure that if they teach people about safe sex, they’ll limit the spread of The Disease. It hasn’t exactly worked out that way, though. The Canadian Public Health Association developed four commercials, and condom companies even submitted a couple of their own.”
“That doesn’t sound very hopeful. If enough people learn about us, we’ll never be able to get out of this host – you know how much I’ve always wanted to travel!”
“That’s the funny part. The Telecaster Committee of Canada, which represents 20 private television stations, rejected three out of the four Public Health commercials.”
“Well, that’s good news. Why?”
“The three commercials they rejected offered the use of a condom as a means of lessening the risk of infection; the one they accepted said monogamy was the answer, and didn’t even mention condoms. They said the commercials they rejected condoned casual sex, and that they refused to air them because they might offend some viewer.”
“Well, god bless their prissy little hearts. They’d rather risk having viewers die than be offended.”
“Exactly. Of course, just because one person is monogamous in a relationship doesn’t mean his partner is, so there’s a lot of hope you’ll be in New York in no time.”
“I was thinking Florida, but I appreciate the sentiment.”
“The funny part of this is that the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation accepted all four commercials. They obviously felt that the ads were important enough to all be seen.”
“Damn public broadcasters! If they show the ads, that could ruin everything!”
“I doubt it. It’s not like anybody watches the network.”
“Oh… What about the condom ads?”
“Well, the Telecaster Committee approved the two condom commercials, even though they didn’t specifically mention the disease. The condom commercials aren’t likely to promote an understanding of the health risks of unprotected sex, but, unlike the other ads, they are paid for.”
“Well, bless their mercenary souls!”
“You know, now that I think about it, there probably won’t be a better time to spread than the present. As long as there is public resistance to an education campaign, we’ll get around. If people ever decide to end their petty arguments over esthetics and questionable morality, we might find it impossible to find a new host!”
“How do you know so much about this?”
“Hey! I read the Microbial Times. Don’t you?”
“Umm…well, you know, you’ve convinced me. I’m ready to take the plunge. Will you join me?”
“I don’t know…I just had a chromosome. Don’t you think I should wait an hour before going swimming?”
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Alan thought for a moment. “We could multiply out of control, eventually killing our host.” Then, Alan grinned. “Let’s do it!”
“Okay. But, umm, Alan, one thing still puzzles me.”
“What’s that?”
“Why would television stations refuse to screen 30 second commercials that promote safe sex practices when they run so many hour-long programmes that promote unsafe sex practices? That’s kind of funny, don’t you think?”
“Oh, yeah. So funny, you could just die…”