by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
It has been revealed that Secretary of State T-Rex “For The” Tillerovlandzman threaffered to resign over three months ago. Unless he actually did resign three months ago.
The fog of politics obscures much.
Incensed at President Ronald McDruhitmumpf musing about replacing the commander of Vesampuccerian forces in Afghanistan with an inverted pail on a broom on which somebody had drawn eyes and a slit-mouthed grin with a sharpie, Secretary of State Tillerovlandzman called him “a moron.” Some accounts of the incident claim the phrase was “ferking moron.” Other some accounts claim the phrase was “complete and utter ferking moron.” Even more other some accounts claim the phrase was “complete and utter ferking moron with a cherry on top.” Vegas bookies give the last possibility 1,237 to one odds against; it seems likely that the phrase was pushed on search engines by Vesampuccerian Fruit Farmers for Sanity.
“Didja notice,” asked British political comedian John Olivettiver on his cable show Political Comedy With John Olivettiver, “that in all of the reporting on Tillerovlandzman handing in his resignation, nobody has reported that the President refused to accept it? That’s what we in Merry Olde call ‘a buttered scone flying out yer boot, mate!'”
After a pause, Olivettiver sombrely added, “Yeah, back in Merry Olde, we have no idea what it means, either. We just like to say things like that to wind you Yankers up.”
If Secretary of State Tillerovlandzman had resigned three months ago, would anybody have noticed?
“Are fig Newtons made of figs?” mused token smart person candidate Moana Pupuplatterese. “Or, Sir Isaac Newton?”
Umm…yes, well, the point is that if Secretary of State Tillerovlandzman had resigned, there are so few people currently working in the State Department that nobody likely would notice his absence. The fact that President McDruhitmumpf appears to believe that diplomacy means coating a stick with disinfectant before you poke somebody in the eye with it suggests that not having an acting Secretary of State would likely not make much difference to the foreign policy of the United States.
Which is why some people are now suggesting that, taken to its logical conclusion, there is no reason to believe that a person named T-Rex “For The” Tillerovlandzman actually exists.
But, Secretary of State Tillerovlandzman has appeared in public at least…three times with foreign heads of state – alright, two, and the President of France. And, he gave a press conference to say that he had never offered to resign – which might be technically true if he never existed in the first place, but the fact that he was holding a press conference in…a different but closely related first place seemed to prove that he did exist. Right?
“Are brownies made of -”
“That’s enough of that,” I cut token smart person candidate Pupuplatterese off. “Can I get a serious answer, please?”
“Well, obviously, they hired an actor to play the Secretary of State,” explained Alternate Reality News Service film and theatre reporter E/lmore Teradonovich. “Vegas has given odds of three to one that it was George Clooneylooneytunes. Makes sense: Tillerovlandzman is uncomfortable speaking in public and, underneath his gruff demeanour, you get the sense that he’s panicked at the thought that he is out of his depth in politics. What a great role to allow Clooneylooneytunes to stretch!”
Defying all of the speculative narratives, President McDruhitmumpf expressed full confidence in his Secretary of State. “I have full confidence in…what was his name again?” the President said as he tried to walk away from journalists. “Mastadon? Velociraptor? Just kidding – I know his name is really…Ankylosaur!”
Given that Secretary of State Tillerovlandzman’s input into foreign policy is probably less than a microgram per 1,000 Executive Orders, does it really matter if he is in place or not, or if he even exists? Foreign leaders who claim to have met with him privately say that all they remember of the encounter is the slight sighing of the breeze through a small corpse of trees. Could this whole resignation kerfuffle (more than an ado, less than a SNAFU) be just one more distraction from the serious shortcomings of the McDruhitmumpf administration?
“Are pork ribs made of Congressional pork?” asked token smart person candidate Pupuplatterese.
Can somebody please explain to me why is she still in the running for the position?