“Oh, man, democracy is here! I can’t wait to vote!”
Who are you going to vote for, Ali K?
“Well, I…I mean, I don’t know. Who’s running?”
I can’t tell you that.
“What do you mean you can’t tell me who’s running?”
The names of the candidates are secret.
“Why can’t I, who will be voting for the first time in my life, in the first democratically held election in my lifetime, know who is running?”
The candidates are afraid that they will be targeted for violence by extremist groups if they make their candidacies known.
“Can you tell me anything about them?”
There are thousands of candidates running for 111 different parties.
“Alright! Democracy in action! How do I find out what the different parties stand for?”
Read the party platforms, of course.
“And, where can I find the party platforms?”
Most people find a party’s platform in the party’s literature. You know: pamphlets and such.
“Oookay. Where can I find the parties’ literature?”
You can’t.
“I can’t?”
You can’t.
“Why can’t I?”
Because if the parties distributed campaign literature, it would call attention to the candidates, making them potential targets for extremist violence. So, most parties are not advertising their existence, much less their platforms.
“So, what will be the basis of my choice?”
Ignorance.
“Ignorance.”
Don’t knock ignorance. It works for many American voters.
“Uhhh….alright! Following in the footsteps of the greatest democracy the world has ever known!”
There is an exception.
“An exception?”
Yes, an exception. In some cases, a local cleric will be running.
“I can vote for a celebrity?”
We prefer to think of it as name recognition.
“FANTASTIC! This is becoming more and more like a real election all the time. But, how will I know which candidate is the famous one?”
They might tell you at the voting station.
“The voting station that I don’t know the location of?”
Yes. That one.
“Are you trying to discourage me from voting?”
Why would I do that?
“You’re not exactly making it easy.”
Democracy isn’t supposed to be easy.
“It’s not?”
If it were easy, everybody would be doing it.
“Oh. Okay. Good. Cause you’re not going to discourage me from voting for the leader of my country.”
Oh…
“What? What, ‘Oh?'”
Well, actually, you’re not going to vote for the leader of your country.
“I’m not?”
You’re not.
“Who will I be voting for?”
You will be voting for a representative of a council that will vote for the leader of your country.
“I don’t get to vote for President?”
You don’t get to vote for President.
“Oh, I don’t care about all of the difficulties and complications. You know why?”
I can’t wait to hear it.
“Because I will be taking the first step to taking democratic control of my country.”
Ah.
“What do you mean, ‘Ah?'”
Do I have to mean anything when I say, “Ah?”
“Usually, yes, you do.”
Oh.
“ENOUGH WITH THE SAD NOISES, ALREADY! WHAT?”
Okay. The thing is, the United States is currently erecting 14 military bases throughout the country. These are in part to replace the military bases they shut down in Saudi Arabia; they are in part to protect America’s oil interests in Iraq and neighbouring countries.
“So?”
So, you tell the Americans that you don’t want their military bases in your country.
“Oh. Well, okay, if it’s just a matter of -“
Well, of course, it’s never just a matter of, is it? American corporations have invested a lot of time and money into rebuilding parts of the country. It’s not like anybody who actually lives there is going to be allowed to tell them how to conduct their business.
“I see.”
Do you?
“Yeah. I’ll be voting for candidates I can’t name at polling stations I can’t find, not for the leader of my country but a group of politicians who may or may not vote for the leader I actually want, but that’s okay because the government won’t have the power to affect some fundamental democratic changes in my country anyway. Is that about right?”
You didn’t mention the ever-present threat of violence.
“Ah.”
Ah?
“Exactly.”
What, ah?
“Democracy is on the march! I’m going out to cast my vote!”
Ah.