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Headlines Were Too Drunk To Be Discreet

It Might Be Easier For Them To Enjoy Sausage Links


“Going beyond golf’s established white, high-earning male base”

– Toronto Star

“Links to the future
For many Indigenous Canadians, golf can provide opportunities economically and bridge cultural divides – when the sport can transcend its ‘sordid past with elitism”


– Toronto Star


Those Punctuation Marks Are Soooo Last Century!
Have Your Headline Writers Never Heard Of Emojis?


“‘!**@!!! TTC’: A century later, riders still not entirely happy”

– Toronto Star


I Would Be More Sympathetic To Your Argument If It Hadn’t Been Made In Prose


“Why Poetry Is So Crucial Right Now”

– New York Times


Although Some People Find Setting Themselves On Fire Easier


“Repayment strategy the quickest way to cut debt”

– Toronto Star


Cleaning Its Poop A Teachable Moment


“Massive elephant to be found in the schoolroom”

– Toronto Star


BB And Ray (Almost An Homage To Comedy Legends. Almost)


“O’Toole won’t say which guns he’d ban”

– Toronto Star


Canada Will Settle For Leaders Who Stumble Upon The Right Thing Every So Often
Canada Will Get: Leaders Who Can’t Quite Control Their Drool When They Smash Things


“Canada needs wise leaders with a strong moral compass”

– Toronto Star


Be A Shame If Something Happened To Them.
If They Just…Broke.
Things Just…Break All The Time.
It’d Be A Real Shame…


“Staycations Are Popular.
Maybe a Bit Too Popular.”

– New York Times


Home Prices Apparently Raise Themselves


“Foreign buyers not the problem in our housing crisis”

– Toronto Star


Normal Says: “Take A Picture – It’ll Last Longer!”


“Like most, Cineplex eyes return to normal”

– Toronto Star


Nobody Thought The Pretty But Flighty Caucus Would Ever Write Coherent Legislation, Much Less Get It Passed


“Butterflies win in congressional bill”

– Toronto Star


It’s Good Training For Parenthood


“Be sure to socialize your new puppy”

– Toronto Star


Unexpected Side Effect Of Combining Jazz And Spongebob Squarepants Theme


“Laser Fusion Experiment Unleashes a Burst of Optimism”

– New York Times


Unfortunately, It’s Running A Distant Third Behind Greed And Stupidity


“In a time of climate crisis, nature needs your vote”

– Toronto Star


STEP ONE: Elect An Indigenous Government


“How our next government can heal Indigenous ties”

– Toronto Star


So, Death Threats Are Unacceptable?
Well, There Goes My Tuesday!


“Heckling is a Canadian tradition, but it has limits”

– Toronto Star


They’re Not Trivial For Voters, Either


“Stakes high for parties”

– Toronto Star


You Wouldn’t Like The Bees In Our Brains When They’re Angry…


“36 films that shook our hive”

– Toronto Star


Aah, So Supply And Demand Curves Do Apply To SOME Labour Markets


“Hedge funds pay $300K to get best graduates”

– Toronto Star


Ask: “Have We Been Taken To The North Pole By Mistake? You Know We Don’t Believe In Santa Clause, Don’t You?”


“New Refugees Face a Colder U.S. Welcome”

– New York Times


Said The Split Was Amicable
(None Of Their Friends Believed Them)


“Interest and inflation have gone separate ways”

– Toronto Star


Marinate Privilege in Steak Sauce And Rage Overnight
Cook At A High Temperature Until Violence Comes To A Boil


“Vaccine mandates are a recipe for social unrest”

– Toronto Star


That’s Humanity For You: Always Kicking The Can Down The Street


“Emotional decisions can lead to regret”

– Toronto Star

“The quest to beat the next pandemic can’t start soon enough”


– Toronto Star

“Growth is slowing, StatCan reports
Data show economy can quickly bounce back after lockdowns, expert says”


– Toronto Star

“Can’t call nurses heroes and then limit their pay hike”


– Toronto Star

“Mountains That Can Keep Their Own Secrets”


– New York Times

“Don’t be ageist in assuming seniors can’t use the internet”


– Toronto Star

“Disappointed Ontario has own climate plan in mind
Province argues it can fight emissions, protect economy at the same time”


– Toronto Star

“Barbers, salons ask why they can’t open
Businesses question why massages are OK, but haircuts are still off limits”


– Toronto Star

“No rule can tell you when, or whether, to get a divorce”


– Toronto Star

“Tesla: Even the electric-car maker’s biggest fans can’t bear to swallow the bullish scenario”


– Globe and Mail

“When it cares, state can act pretty fast”


– Toronto Star

“Owners can’t control pit bulls’ unpredictable aggression”


– Toronto Star

“Mutual funds can offer benefits ETFs have yet to match”


– Toronto Star

“‘Success cannot be obtained without struggle”


– Toronto Star

“Pandemic has disconnected us from those casual conversations
The random interactions that bind us to our communities can also make us healthier”


– Toronto Star

“Ottawa can’t take middle road on reconciliation”


– Toronto Star

If The Right Gets Its Way, Rare Whooping Coughs Will, Too


“Rare whooping cranes fly again”

– Toronto Star


On The Other Hand, If You Die Of COVID, Infertility Will Be The Least Of Your Problems


“COVID shot won’t make you infertile”

– Toronto Star


Although, Given Their Resources, It Landed More Like A Gentle Tap On The Shoulder


“Climate Change Hits the Rich”

– New York Times


Police Officers Were Wearing Asbestos Uniforms At The Time


“Woman arrested in house fire”

– Toronto Star


But, I Really Needed 27 Crates Of Hair Spray!


“Are you revenge spending? Don’t make matters worse”

– Toronto Star


But, It’s In The Charter Of Rights And Freedoms, Right After The Clause About My Right To Make Smoothies Out Of Black-footed Ferrets!


“Your ‘right’ to be unvaccinated doesn’t trump my health”

– Toronto Star


Safe Passage Into A War Zone Isn’t All That Safe


“Quebec students to wear masks, but not in the classroom
Coverings required on buses and in common areas inside schools”

– Toronto Star


At Least We’ll Have A Movie To Bear Witness When They’re Gone


“For Amish, it’s God’s will and herd immunity”

– Toronto Star


And, Unlike Parks, They Keep Out The Riff Raff!


“Golf courses supply vital green space for the city”

– Toronto Star


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