by MADAME MADELEINE DE LA OOVRATURA-COLUMBINE, Alternate Reality News Service Sex Writer
Orgies are usually events that happen to somebody else. Until they’re not.
Guido “Bibbity Bobbity” Boopstein (no relation) found this out the hard way: what started out as a mindless evening of sexy funtimes with three of his closest friends (and 27 complete strangers) after hours at a Chucky McCheesy ended up landing him in the Guinness Book of (Alternate) World Records for longest orgasm on record.
“Agubba rubba rumba!” he exclaimed. “Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu…”
Boopstein had gotten his hands on a gizmo that allowed him to experience the orgasms of anybody sexing it up in his vicinity. This allowed him to have an orgasm that lasted for seven hours, 23 minutes and 17 seconds, from the moment he took off his clothes to the time the last orgyer became too exhausted to continue. This was despite the fact that he does not appear to have had an actual partner.
“…uuuuuuuuuuuh!” he continued exclaiming. “After this, I may have to join a nunnery! Ooga booga!”
“No, no, no, no, no!” complained Inigo Montoya (no relation – and you have no idea how grateful the family is for that!), the creator of The Other Side – Now!, a device that allows people to experience the orgasms of others. “That’s not how my technology works! You can only experience one other partner at a time – it wasn’t designed for multiple orgasmic inputs!”
True. Except Boopstein was not using The Other Side – Now! He was using a technology called All Sides – Now! And multiple orgasmic inputs is exactly what it was designed for.
“Oh, well, that’s alright the – wait a minute! Wait just one hot and sour minute!” Montoya started to agree, then course corrected. “All Sides – Now!? It sounds suspiciously like my technology!”
Probably because All Sides – Now! is basically The Other Side – Now! that had been reverse engineered and reprogrammed.
“Oh, well, when you explain it like that – hold on for dear life!” Montoya, who clearly has trouble accepting what is (he would give Yoda – no relation, not even the same species – reason to pull his hair out!), started to agree, then stopped. “That’s got to be illegal! …Doesn’t it?”
Details are murky, but, according to sexologist Doctor Ruth Westheimer (no relation, although there’s one in every family, isn’t there?), All Sides – Now! Appears to have been developed in China. “And as everybody knows, China is famous for its zexual repression and lack of copyright laws!”
It is possible that China released All Sides – Now! in order to weaken its most formidable opponents. “Vhile people in zhe wezt are pursuing pleasure,” Doctor Ruth explained, “China vill be pursuing vorld domination!”
While few of us will know the unique experience that is the modern orgy (basically, the ancient Greek orgy, but with 27% more sour cream and onion dip), most of us drive cars. This gives people the opportunity to visit the intersection of Technology and Mischief.
Another use of All Sides – Now!, for example, is what has come to be known on deddreddheddit sex forums as “drive by orgasms.” The Other Side – Now! had to be synced to a specific partner, so users knew who was experiencing their orgasms. Because All Sides – Now! Does not have this restriction, somebody using it can drive down a street hoping to connect to a The Other Side – Now! and experience the orgasms of random strangers.
“Fortunately, that’s just a theoretical possibility,” Montoya stated. “It hasn’t actually -“
No, actually, it’s not. Frank Bogonia (not a relation, although he does have Uncle Festrunk’s eyebrows and Aunt Bertha’s complaint) was arrested in Jacksonville, Alberta on suspicion of weirdness (apparently it’s against the law in Canada) when his car stopped outside the house of Mabel and Walter Gropius (not a relation to anybody we know, although they probably are to each other) for over an hour. When the police arrested him, he was found to be in possession of The Other Side – Now! and a goofy grin.
“Dammit! Can’t I be right for once in this article‽” Montoya groused. Out of season.
Bogonia was arrested for invasion of privacy and poor taste (an Alberta law originally enacted in 1912 that nobody has ever had the heart to rescind). Furious, Mabel Gropius demanded that the book be thrown at him (Atlas Shrugged, as Dorothy Parker wisely suggested). Walter Gropius, by way of contrast, laughed and asked, “Hey, where can I get one of those?”
“Zey should book a session for couple’s counselling,” Doctor Ruth advised. “Best to intervene before zese problems grow to divorce proportions!”