“Mark!”
“Sir?”
“Where is it?”
“Where is what, sir?”
“My daily compensation check, of course!”
“Oh. Yes. That.”
“Yes, that. Where is it?”
“It has been…suspended, sir.”
“SUSPENDED?”
“I’m afraid so, sir.”
“As in: temporarily put on hold?”
“That is the standard definition, yes, sir.”
“Why?”
“It was a condition -“
“A CONDITION?”
“Yes, sir, a condition.”
“Of what?”
“Of taking federal bailout money, sir.”
“Well, give it back, then.”
“Sir?”
“Give back the federal bailout money. We were mistaken. We don’t need it. Thanks, anyway, and no hard feelings.”
“Ah. There is just one problem with that.”
“Yes…?”
“We do need it.”
“We need it?”
“Yes, sir. We need the bailout money. Technically, we’re insolvent.”
“INSOLVENT?”
“Yes, sir.”
“As in: not having enough assets to cover our debits? As in: heading towards bankruptcy?”
“Just as you say, sir.”
“Do you realize how serious this is?”
“Yes, sir. To have taken the government funds was a desperate stab at -“
“I have dependents. DEPENDENTS! As in: people who rely upon me for their ability to exist in the world.”
“Oh.”
“They’re people who will not be able to survive if I don’t get my daily compensation check. People like my chauffeur. My three chefs. Little Jack’s nanny -“
“I take your point, si -“
“Little Melissa’s nanny. Not so little any more but still struggling Chavon’s nanny -“
“Really, sir, I understand what you are say -“
“Who is thinking of the children? Who is thinking of my children? This will not do.”
“What do you propose, sir?”
“How much money did the government give us?”
“Thirty-seven billion dollars.”
“And, what are we doing with it?”
“We were supposed to be lending it to our customers.”
“Yes, yes, I didn’t ask you what we were supposed to be doing with it. I’m supposed to be getting my daily compensation checks, and we all know how that is going. What are we actually doing with the money?”
“We’ve bought government bonds in order to collect on the interest.”
“Wait. So…we’ve basically kept the money?”
“That’s right, sir.”
“WE HAVE 37 BILLION DOLLARS JUTS LYING THERE AND I CAN’T GET MY HANDS ON ANY OF IT?”
“Sad, but true, sir.”
“How did we get into this mess?”
“Ah, well, keeping in mind that that was likely a rhetorical question and not meaning to undermine your authority when it comes to asking rhetorical questions, I believe you will find, sir, that it all started with your lunch meeting with Martin two and a half years ago.”
“I had a lunch meeting with Martin two and a half years ago?”
“Indeed, sir. And, he told you about this wonderful new derivative that was going to make everybody quote an even bigger shitload of money than usual unquote. He was speaking, of course, of mortgage backed securities.”
“He was speaking of what?”
“You didn’t understand it when Martin first explained the deal to you. In fact, I’m not sure Martin ever understood it, either. You did understand the even bigger shitload of money than usual quote, though, so you asked how you could get in on it.”
“Outrageous!”
“Sir?”
“Are you suggesting that…I am to blame for bankrupting the company?”
“Oh, I feel certain that you had no idea how vulnerable you would leave the company if the economy tanked and people were no longer able to pay off their mortgages. Sir.”
“Damn straight! … Wait – what?”
“I meant: it was all Martin’s fault for getting you involved in mortgage backed securities.”
“Outrageous!”
“The suggestion that you -“
“That Martin would do such a thing to me! I shall see to it that he is drummed out of our golf club forthwith! Do you hear me? Forthwith!”
“Not to worry, sir.”
“Why not?”
“He can probably no longer afford to pay the fees.”
“I see. Well. We’ll just have to give the money back.”
“With respect, sir, if we give the money back, we’ll likely be bankrupt within a year.”
“That may be, but it will be a year in which I have collected my daily compensation checks.”
“Ah. Yes. But, surely, you realize that your compensation checks will stop when the company runs out of money.”
“Is that likely to happen this quarter?”
“Well…no, but -“
“Then, it’s not a problem, is it?”