“Okay. Goooooooood morning Toronto! This is Evan ‘Dick’ Lamanchuck…”
“And this is Billi Francesci.”
“Don’t you mean, Billy ‘Dick’ Francesci?”
“Uhh, no.”
“But, all of the on-air personalities at 95 point two two C-D-I-K FM – Big Dick Radio is a Dick. It’s a thing. That we do.”
“See, the thing is, you have to have a dick to be a Dick.”
“Actually, I don’t believe that’s entirely true. I’ve known a lot of babes who were dicks in traini – wait a minute. Are you saying that you – you’re not a – you’re a…a girl?”
“We prefer the term ‘woman,’ Dick.”
“Sorry – I didn’t pay much attention to the seventies.”
“It was in all of the papers.”
“Uhh, you’re listening to 95 point two two C-D-I-K FM – Big Dick Radio, where you’re never more than two minutes and thirty-seven seconds away from listening to more of us…are we off?”
“Actually, Dick -“
“Good. You can’t be a girl.”
“Still prefer the term ‘woman,’ Dick.”
“I don’t work with…females of your…feminine persuasion.”
“You do now. Fred decided that the ratings for the morning show weren’t what they should be and things needed a little shaking up.”
“But…but…but…”
“My butt has nothing to do with it.”
“But, we already have a woman on the show.”
“A weather girl you regularly humiliate with thinly veiled sexual innuendo is not the same as having a woman as an equal voice on the show.”
“I’ve never had a woman equal!”
“I can believe that.”
“Guys, we weren’t scheduled to play a song.”
“When I was told that my new copilot was going to be Billy Francesci, I just naturally assumed that he was going to be…you know, a he.”
“Didn’t my voice give it away?”
“I thought you had a cold.”
“Uhh, guys, we’re still on the air.”
“Right. Umm…so…ha. What do we talk about?”
“What would you normally talk about?”
“The, uhh, the Sunshine Girl in this morning’s newspaper…”
“Oh, yeah. You got a comedy cornucopia happening there.”
“Come on – do you think they really interview the girls -“
“Women?”
“Or, is there some guy in a room in the basement of Sun headquarters making up descriptions? You know: I’m Mandy. I like couscous, waterskiing naked and making art with pigeon droppings. That sounds very made up, doesn’t it?”
“Uhh, Dick, you know that breathy thing that you do with your voice when you’re pretending to be a woman?”
“Yes?”
“You know it makes you sound gay, right?”
“Oww! Don’t say that!”
“Why not? You used to call your old co-host of the morning show gay every 37 seconds.”
“Thirty-seven seconds?”
“There’ve been studies.”
“Well…I may have called Dick gay, but, I didn’t mean it!”
“Sure, you did.”
“Umm, okay. Maybe I did mean it. But, when one guy calls another guy gay, it’s all part of the male bonding experience. When a chick -“
“Woman.”
“Calls a guy gay, everybody assumes her gaydar has kicked in and it’s true.”
“I can’t be held responsible for other people interpretations of what I say.”
“You don’t even know the guy code. How do you expect to be able to co-host a morning radio show for horny teenage boys if you don’t know the guy code? I mean, how did you even get this job?”
“I interview very well. Look, it doesn’t take a man with an adolescent imagination to announce that starting Friday is the one hit wonder triple play weekend.”
“Sure it does!”
“Starting Friday is the one hit wonder triple play weekend. There.”
“That – that – you can’t do that!”
“Did the guys in programming actually think this one through?”
“You – that – what?”
“The triple play one hit wonder weekend? Really? Were the guys in programming high when they thought up that one, or can they just not count to three?”
“Hee hee. They don’t have to count to three – they have that many fingers. Well most of them…!”
“Ah, yes. Those who can’t teach, teach shop. Those who can’t teach shop programme their local radio station.”
“Nicely played. Okay, you’re listening to 95 point two two C-D-I-K FM – Big Dick Radio.”
“Big Dick and Jane Radio.”
“We’ll see. In the meantime, here’s Van Halen’s ‘Hot for Teacher…'”
“And, after that, we’ll play No Doubt’s ‘Just a Girl.'”
“Oh, boy…”