1. What is the Wagner Group?
2. Really?
3. Okay, rule of three. The question number gives it away. Now you have to give me a straight answer: what is the Wagner Group?
4. Don’t you know that when somebody asks, “What could possibly go wrong?” something goes horribly, horribly wrong?
5. Eww! Umm…changing the subject: who is Yevgeny Prigozhin?
6. Nice try, but Vladimir Putin is allergic to mercy – it makes him break out in chives (and there’s not a tub of cream cheese or a bagel in sight!). So, really, who is Yevgeny Prigozhin?
7. Yeah, yeah. Pull the other one – it plays the state anthem of the Russian Federation (which is called “The State Anthem of the Russian Federation”)! Everybody knows that Putin is from the “hit women on the head with a big club and drag them by the hair back to his cave” school of romance. So. One last time before I turn to the comics page and spend an hour reading Marmaduke: who is Yevgeny Prigozhin?
8. A chef? Right to head a mercenary force? How did that make sense?
9. Admittedly, a well-made ham sandwich is a wonder to behold. Okay, so what has been the Wagner Group’s role in the war in Ukraine?
10. Excuse me?
11. And what about –
12. Oh. Okay. Thanks for that.
13. Should I ask about the incident?
14. I didn’t ask…did I?
15. Whoa! Did not see that coming! Did anybody in the Kremlin?
16. Really?
17. Wait. The Wagner Group marched towards Moscow? Like, in Russia? How did that go?
18. Why would they stop short of their goal?
19. And have they been removed?
20. What was the outcome of the insurrection on treads?
21. That was a happy ending?
A bunch of crazy kids who love German apocalypse music.
They’re like the kids from Lord of the Flies, only with advanced military weapons and criminal records.
3. Okay, rule of three. The question number gives it away. Now you have to give me a straight answer: what is the Wagner Group?
Damn, rules of comedy! The Wagner Group is a band of mercenaries hired by Russian President for Eternity…And Beyond! Vladimir Putin to fight his war in Ukraine. Many of soldiers of the Wagner Group were criminals who were offered their freedom if they would fight in a war. What could possibly go wrong?
4. Don’t you know that when somebody asks, “What could possibly go wrong?” something goes horribly, horribly wrong?
Oh. So, you’ve heard about the war crimes the Russian invaders have perpetrated on the Ukrainian people?
5. Eww! Umm…changing the subject: who is Yevgeny Prigozhin?
Mercifully plucked out of obscurity by the Russian President (with the biggest set of tweezers known to humanity), Prigozhin was known as “Putin’s Chiropodist” because he gave the best foot rubs north of Novosibirsk.
6. Nice try, but Vladimir Putin is allergic to mercy – it makes him break out in chives (and there’s not a tub of cream cheese or a bagel in sight!). So, really, who is Yevgeny Prigozhin?
Just a crazy kid plucked out of obscurity and known as “Putin’s Florist” because he would provide the elaborate bouquets that the Russian autocrat would use to woo women.
7. Yeah, yeah. Pull the other one – it plays the state anthem of the Russian Federation (which is called “The State Anthem of the Russian Federation”)! Everybody knows that Putin is from the “hit women on the head with a big club and drag them by the hair back to his cave” school of romance. So. One last time before I turn to the comics page and spend an hour reading Marmaduke: who is Yevgeny Prigozhin?
Marmaduke? Really? I would have pegged you for a Wizard of Id kid. Still, if you can get an hour’s worth of entertainment from a single Marmaduke comic, you’re a bitter man than I. Fine. Yevgeny Prigozhin, who was plucked out of obscurity and etc., was known as “Putin’s Chef,” because he was one of the few people the paranoid Russian dictator (who has “If you’re not paranoid, you’re not paying attention” tattooed on his butt cheeks) trusted not to poison him. When he needed a leader for a mercenary group he was establishing, Prigozhin was naturally the right man for the job.
8. A chef? Right to head a mercenary force? How did that make sense?
Putin admired the ruthless way Prigozhin prepared ham sandwiches.
9. Admittedly, a well-made ham sandwich is a wonder to behold. Okay, so what has been the Wagner Group’s role in the war in Ukraine?
Hamburger Helper.
You know the guy in war movies who has to storm Pork Chop Hill even though the army ran out of apple sauce months ago and, more importantly, it means almost certain death? The Wagner Group is that guy. If I may mix my genres, they may as well have all worn red shirts. And if I may not mix my genres, your understanding of the facts will be incomplete.
As for the Hamburger Helper reference, the Wagner Group was ground up like raw beef, but it was also the ingredient that actually made the war last for fifteen months and counting. At least until the incident…
12. Oh. Okay. Thanks for that.
Aren’t you going to ask about the incident?
13. Should I ask about the incident?
I’m glad you asked. Prigozhin decided to –
Close enough for jazz. Prigozhin decided to pull the Wagner Group out of Ukraine and march towards Moscow.
15. Whoa! Did not see that coming! Did anybody in the Kremlin?
Weeelllll…Prigozhin had been complaining about the treatment his soldiers had been getting for months. They were given hand-me-down uniforms that rarely fit, and all of the other soldiers made fun of their hair – how could any self-respecting mercenary outfit function with that kind of abuse?
Close enough for a jazz encore. If you’ve ever wondered if Hamburger Helper appreciates being Hamburger Helper, we can now definitively tell you that it does not. It does not loudly and repeatedly. So, no, nobody in the Kremlin saw the insurrection coming.
17. Wait. The Wagner Group marched towards Moscow? Like, in Russia? How did that go?
They were greeted as heroes. I guess their haircuts were popular with the Russian people. Either that, or they were the most effective Russian fighting force on the Ukrainian battlefield. But I’m leaning towards the haircut theory. In any case, they stopped a couple hundred miles from the Russian capital.
18. Why would they stop short of their goal?
Apparently, Prigozhin made a deal with Putin not to invade Moscow. Throughout the incident, Prigozhin had maintained that he didn’t, no way, nohow, un unh, wasn’t going to happen, want to depose Putin. He was angry at the Russian Generals whom he believed encouraged their troops to make fun of his troops’ hair (and who may have been incompetent at running wars – that often goes hand-in-gauntlet with lack of appreciation for a creative hairdo); he wanted them removed.
19. And have they been removed?
Not yet. But Prigozhin was given assurances that if he left Moscow alone, he could pass open windows without fearing of becoming street furniture. Given Putin’s track record of punishing his enemies, that’s not nothing. Of course, given Putin’s track record of lying, it is somewhat less than something.
20. What was the outcome of the insurrection on treads?
Prigozhin has taken refuge in Belarus, the most ergonomic of former Soviet Socialist Republics. The Wagner Group has been disbanded. Some of the former members will be absorbed into the Russian army, some will follow Prigozhin in future endeavours (there’s always Africa), some will become mulch on their pig farms. You gotta love a story with a happy ending.
It certainly was for the pigs…