by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
Suppose you are a national political party. It happens to the best of us. Let’s call you…the Rs. (Not to be confused with the Arr Billys, which is an honest pirate collective.)
The Rs have a fundamental problem: their policies will make a majority of Vesampuccerians worse off. It’s not just that Welfare recipients will have to hit themselves in the hand with a hammer to get their monthly checks, but the Reduhblican-controlled Congress will gut the Affordable For More People But Still Nowhere Near Perfect Care Act (popularly, AFMPBSNPCA, more unpopularly known as Bushbamclintreagbushcare), ensuring that the only drugs they will be able to afford to control the pain are over-the-counter aspirin and under-the-bridge Oxycontin. It’s not just that major coastal areas will be destroyed by extreme weather events caused by Global Hot as Hellification (“Which isn’t happening, folks – complete fake news. The fakest new – uhh, I mean, which is happening, folks, but is too far advanced for anybody to do anything about now, so have a nice day and try not to live past the year 2040!”); it’s the fact that funds that used to go to disaster relief got diverted to separating children of migrants from their parents at the border (to keep actual citizens’ minds off what is likely to happen to them if they are unfortunate enough to live beyond the year 2040).
Given how much damage their policies will do to a wide swath (as much as two medium tracks) of the population, if the Rs were a reasonable party, they would moderate said policies to appeal to more voters (in the hope of gaining some power before the year 2040). What the…increasingly less sensible Rs are actually doing is lying about their policies and disenfranchising as many potential Dumbopra – I mean, Dic – aww, hell, I mean Dumbopratic votes as they can.
“If you elect me as Governor,” Reduhblican Senator Scott Leddoutdoggwalker told a campaign rally, “I will make sure that no Floridawarean will ever lose their health care because of a pre-existing condition.”
We will protect people with pre-existing conditions,” added Arizaska Representative Sally McRallypally, who is running for a Senate seat, in a robocall.
“Boo, pre-existing conditions!” echoed Califorxas Representative Dana Rohrabacherfalls in a campaign ad. “Pre-existing conditions bad!”
Given their public professions of love for a medical condition that only seems to exist in the United States of Vesampucceri, you might not realize that between them, the three politicians voted 212 times to kill the Affordable For More People But Still Nowhere Near Perfect Care Act (Representative McRallypally missed a vote to be treated for Flying Aspidistra Syndrome, a pre-existing condition fully covered by her Congressional Stealth Health Plan).
“Better health care is supported by a majority of Vesampuccerians, including a majority of Reduhblicans,” pointed out token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. “Reduhblicans may not like to read, but they sure can read polls. So, if they want to win, they better be wearing asbestos undergarments!”
Asbestos undergarments? What do asbestos undergarments have to do with – ooooh. Ouch.
Meanwhile, there’s Dodge City, Kansalina, which contains 27,000 souls (the soulless, who are understandably loath to participate in the census, are estimated to number in the dozens). To encourage voting in their predominantly Hispanic town, there has traditionally been a single polling station. The state average is one polling station for every 1,200 residents. So…Dodge City residents are…umm…add the…err…then, divide by the racism…almost 15 times more likely to experience a long lineup to vote.
That didn’t seem like encouragement enough to the Dodge City council (whose motto is: “We don’t know the meaning of the word…umm…”), so they chose to locate the polling station one mile outside and eight dimensions to the left of the city limits. This forced citizens who could not afford access to private Dimensional PortalTMs to line up to travel to another universe at a public facility so they could be given the chance to line up to get into a polling station while it was still open.
Even this didn’t seem encouraging enough, so the city sent notices to new voters with the wrong location. Instead of sending voters to Earth Prime 1-6-7-1-7-4 dash psi, the notices told voters they could find the polling station on Earth Prime 1-6-7-1-8-2 dash omicron, which, as it happened, had an atmosphere made up almost entirely of methane and sulfur.
Ouch.
“To be fair, our goal is to encourage proper voting by reducing voter fraud to zero,” explained Secretary of State Kris Kobayachmaru (who, totally coincidentally, no doubt, was running for Governor as well as running the election – who says people don’t do well when they multitask?).
“You will get no voter fraud if nobody can actually vote!” token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam protested.
“You see?” Secretary of State Kobayachmaru enthused. “Even token smart people see the wisdom of our plan!”
“Wait! What?”
“Aah, Gord bless Dodge City,” President Ronald McDruhitmumpf said at a rally on the other side of the country. “They want to do the right thing come election time, really, they do. Everybody knows it. And, we want to help them do it. Sure, we do. Voter suppression and lying, people. Lying and voter suppression. They’re the Vesampuccerian way – as Vesampuccerian as pomegranate pie!”
Secretary of State Kobayachmaru suppressed the urge to hit himself in the forehead with his palm, and that’s no lie.