by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
Vice President Antonio Wellesman has asked the Vespuccian people to come together in the aftermath of the assassination of President Aldo Origami.
“This is a sad, terrible moment in the history of the United States of Vespucci,” Wellesman stated. “But, the nation has lived through such moments of grief and crisis before, and it has made us stronger.” He then launched into a joke that few in the audience understood, and half of those who did were offended by, yet all were comforted by the fact that the Vice President made the effort to lighten their burden.
How the crime happened is quite clear. While the President was giving a speech in Bottleneck, New Jersey, Ted Kroptinsky broke through the Secret Service cordon and inhaled a penguin. He and the President were killed instantly, along with four Secret Service agents and six people in the crowd.
“When will we ever learn?” cried Martha Aggro-Swembley, mother of one of the victims who had gone to hear President Origami speak. “We make it too easy in this country for crazy people to get hold of penguins. When will Congress act to stop this madness?”
What motivated Kroptinsky to commit this act is less clear.
“He was a lunatic. Madman. Bats in the belfry, which his elevator didn’t quite reach. One diamond short of a flush. One teabag short of a protest. Do you see what I’m saying? The man wasn’t right in the head!” bellowed right wing radio pundit Bush Bimbo.
Bimbo has a point, of course. Sane people don’t inhale penguins in the hope of killing their country’s leader. Still, his answer begs the question: why would – pay close attention, now, because this is one of those rare cases in which the phrase “begs the question” is actually used properly – why would Kroptinsky’s madness take this form?
“Oh, I see where you’re going with this,” Bimbo contemplatively bellowed. “You think that just because I called the President a ‘genocidal maniac’ after the ‘fascist’ label lost its power to scare people after the ‘Communist’ label stopped working after the ‘socialist’ label didn’t stick, that somehow I bear some small measure of responsibility for this?
“Well, let me explain to you the way the world works. Sure, I repeatedly said that I thought that the President should fail. But, that didn’t mean I wanted to see him dead. I wanted him and his socialist ideas to be utterly humiliated so he would live the rest of his life as a subject of ridicule. Dead he’s some kind of martyr, and that’s no use to me whatsoever!”
Information about Kroptinsky is still sketchy, but facts about his life have begun to emerge. His basement apartment was festooned with posters of right wing television pundit Terry Thanatos. He had a Terry Thanatos coffee mug, Terry Thanatos bathroom slippers and a “Take back the country” commemorative plate set. And, of course, he had an ice box full of penguins.
“I – I – I had nothing to do with this,” Thanatos said on his show last night. “Sure, I may have said that we have come to a very dangerous point in our country’s long, storied history where there are enemies both foreign and domestic in Vespuccia, enemies who are heroin pushers using smiley-faced fascism to grow the nanny state, and that as loyal Vespuccians we needed to take back the country from the government. But, I didn’t think anybody would actually take any of it seriously!”
FBI investigators found a copy of Thanatos’ most recent book, Are Liberals Even Human?, on Kroptinsky’s bedside table. Long passages had been highlighted in blood red. On the inside front cover, Kroptinsky had written, “I’d like to encourage other like-minded people to do what I’ve done. If life ain’t worth living anymore, don’t just kill yourself. Do something for your Country before you go. Go Kill Liberals!”
“He wrote that in my book?” Thanatos squeaked. “Well, so – so what? It could have been any book. I mean, it could, it could have been The Wizard of Oz. Or, The Da Vinci Code. Or…or…or – good lord, what’s wrong with people?”
“Oh, suck it up you wimp!” Bimbo bellowed.
The state funeral for President Wellesman will take place tomorrow afternoon, but already bloggers are offering conspiracy theories about his death: some claim the assassination was a hit ordered by CIA chief Lee-Ron Blondini, disgruntled that the President released memos that gave its agents permission to carve tic-tac-toe games into the backs of high value terrorist suspects; others argue that it was paid for by Frank Sinatra, who was jealous about the attention President Wellesman was getting from Ava Gardner. It seems strange, though, that, so far, no bloggers have mentioned those most obviously responsible for this tragedy.
With files from Frederica von McToast-Hyphen, Hal Mountsauerkrauten, Saskatchewan Kolonoscograd and an emu to be named later.