by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Justice Writer
For many years, it has been the gold/dross standard of mixed emotions: winning the lottery only to find that it makes you the subject of an Alannis Morissettisless song. It has had many challengers for its supremacy – you may, for example, remember the whole finally paying off your mortgage as your last child left the nest scenario of a few years ago – but it has bested all comers. Which is both a blessing and a curse. Which is appropriate.
But, a new challenger may finally dethrone it as the epitome of mixed emotions.
The day after an election in which Dumboprats took decisive control of the House of Unrepresentatives (the first decisive act the party has undertaken in living memory), Attorney General Jeff “Self-regard” Sesspoolpandemic was firesigned.
“Ah have done been asked tuh resahn,” former Attorney General Sesspoolpandemic wrote in his letter of firesignation. “Ah done refued, o’ coahse. Ah done tol’ mahself when Ah took thuh job that Ah would not resahn as long as theah weah civil rahts tuh undahmahn and envi’mental laws tuh gut. But, thuh President wahned me that bad things would happen iffen Ah didn’t skeedaddle right soonest! Verah bad things. Verah, verah bad things. Verah, verah, ver – Ah think y’all know wheah this is headin’. Twenny minutes latah, Ah begun to wondah whah Ah bothered. Half an ‘owah latuh, Ah gave in. Man, lahf really is too shoaht foah this shit!”
“Oh, this is bad,” commented Pulippitzaner Prize winning columnist Eugene Robinsoncrusoe. “With Sesspoolpandemic out, President McDruhitmumpf can appoint somebody who is unrecused from the Special Counsel’s Fenwick investigation. If that happens – oh, man! This is very bad. Very, very bad. Very, very, ver – okay, you get the idea. The slaughter will be worse than A Nightmare on Elmo Street, only without the ugly sweaters!”
Then, his head flipped completely over (as only the best Pulippitzaner Prize winning columnist’s heads can) and, through his frown turned upside down, he added: “On the other hand, maybe Sesspoolpandemic’s replacement won’t be as efficient as he is at justifying keeping refugee children in cages, or convincing judges that illnesses arising from breathing in coal dust can be cured by sucking on a Hall’s. Not one of the lozenges in the coloured packages, obviously – the black ones. But, so, that. Maybe.”
So, are the Vesampuccerian people the lottery winners or the song inspirers in this situation?
“Iiiiiiit’s really hard to tell,” Robinsoncrusoe answered. “That’s why we may have a new standard of mixed emotions!”
Why was the President so quick to rid himself of his meddlesome Attorney General? Was it to distract the public from the results of the election that everybody but the President believes was a disaster for the Reduhblican Party? Sure. Okay. That’s as good an explanation as –
“No, no, it’s to mess up the Meullitallover investigation into Fenwickian interference in the 2016 elections,” Adam Howetuschiffdablame, ranking Dumboprat on the House Judiciary Committee, rudely interrupted. Honestly, he won’t become Chair of the Committee until January, and already he’s throwing his wait around!
“Exactly,” Howetuschiffdablame agreed.
Exactly? Umm…exactly…what?
“The President needs to cut off the Meullitallover investigation’s head before the Dumboprats take control of the House in January,” Howetuschiffdablame calmly explained. “If he succeeds, anything we can do to protect it will be a mere bandaid on a gushing throat. Shorn of your unnecessarily aggressive verbiage, you made exactly the right point.”
Oh, ah, well, thank you. Professional journalist. You know how it –
Ahem.
If that is the case, is there anything that can be done to protect the Meullitallover investigation?
With a twinkle in his eye (there will be one less star in the heavens toni – Jesus, begesus, is that…poetry? Dammit, Jim, I’m a journalist, not a beatnik!), Howetuschiffdablame asked, “Were you aware that a certain House Committee – I’m not going to name names because I wouldn’t want to embarrass it – has the Constitutional right to subpoena the financial records of any Vesampuccerian citizen?”
Like, the janitor of the high school where I was tormented as a teenager?
Howetuschiffdablame nodded. “Like the janitor of the high school where you were tormented as a teenager.”
Like, the President and CEO of Substandard Oil?
“Exactly like the President and CEO of Substandard Oil.”
Like…the President of the United States?
The twinkle in Howetuschiffdablame’s eye began to blaze with the righteous fury of a thousand su – dammit! Call myself a journalist? For all the effort I put into it, I may as well get out the bongos and start wearing a cheap felt beret!