by DIMSUM AGGLOMERATIZATONALISTICALISM, Alternate Reality News Service International Writer
Queen Elizabeth dreams that she’s a peasant in the middle ages who drives a Porsche from Buckingham Palace to wherever the current witch trials are being held while listening to Madonna sing 12th century Italian war ballads from the back seat. French President François Hollande dreams he is an American flag being peed on by a group of Charlie Hebdo cartoonist before morphing into a baguette being toyed with by Audrey Tautou (but he always wakes up just before she takes a bite out of him). German Chancellor Angela Merkel dreams of being a traffic cone on a not especially busy side street. In Greece.
These are among the explosive revelations revealed by Random, a super-secretive hacker group traced back to Darryl Fassbender, a high school student who is failing Math: Perms and Combovers and Home Ec: 17 Dimensional Budgeting, and whose crush on cheerleader Jillie Jamowitz can only end in heartache.
“Aww, you spoiled the surprise!” Fassbender whined. “How am I supposed to maintain the super-secretiveness of the group now?”
Fassbender will have plenty of time to contemplate that question between bouts of interrogation by the CIA, Interpol and the Pillsbury dough boy.
“This is outrageous!” stated France’s Ambassador to the United States Alexandre LaFitte. There was no way of knowing how seriously he took the fact that the United States was caught apparently using sensors that read people’s brainwaves while they were sleeping to spy on the dreams of foreign leaders, however, since he started every communication with that phrase. At various times, LaFitte saying “This is outrageous!” could mean “It’s a pleasure to meet you,” “Please pass the pommes frites” or “I don’t know how the donkey got into the souffle, but you’ll have to excuse me so I can change my shirt!” In fact, about the only thing Lafitte saying “This is outrageous!” does not appear to signify is actual indignation.
“No, no. The behaviour of the American government is really is outrageous!” LaFitte insisted. We apologized that the tea at his embassy wasn’t to his liking.
“No, no, no. I’m talking about the American government spying on the dreams of foreign leaders. That’s what is truly, horrifically outrageous!” LaFitte tried again. So, he wasn’t impressed with the latest season of Dancing With the Stars and Bars?
LaFitte muttered something about “idiot American journalists.” Oh, so he thinks that the American government spying on the dreams of foreign leaders is outrageous. He hit his forehead with the palm of his hand, the hand that was unfortunately holding the cup of tea he had been drinking. He needed seven stitches and a sedative.
“Let me be clear on this: we do not spy on the dreams of foreign nationals on foreign soil,” President Barack Obama reassured America’s allies. Then, turning to an aid, he lowered his voice and asked, “Do we?”
Reassurance unaccomplished.
Does any of this really matter? If Syrian strongman Bashar al-Assad dreams that he is a bishop made out of marshmallow on a chess board where a three year-old ocelot is playing against Deep Blueberry, as the Random leaks suggest, will public disclosure of that knowledge stop him from slaughtering his own people?
“Dreams are the empty calories of rational minds,” said Sherry Turklenette, footnoted academic and author of the book Alone Together Separately: How the Internet Fosters the Illusion of Intimacy By Allowing New Forms of Relationship. “They may seem to provide insights into the minds of dreamers, but, like randomly edited three second clips from various videos, it’s all smoked kippers and mirrorshades.”
Take Hollande’s dream, for example. According to Turklenette, it could mean that he was sexually frustrated. Or, it could mean that he was hungry. Or, it could mean that he was disappointed that he hadn’t become the next Gerard Depardieont. There was so much room for interpretation that there was little to no room for blackmail.
“So, even if we were spying on the dreams of foreign nationals on foreign soil,” President Obama asked, “it wouldn’t have given us any useful information?”
Exactly, Turklenette agreed.
“Looks like somebody’s going to have to take the Senate Subcommittee on Snoopiness out back to the woodshed,” President Obama grinned frowningly.
“Oh, I’m not saying the practice is benign,” Turklenette added. “What goes on between people’s ears should stay between their ears – this is the worst invasion of privacy since Genghis Kahn read the diaries of his top generals!”
“Oh,” President Obama ohed. “I guess they are doing their job, then. Never mind.”
“Freedom!” cried Fassbender from the balcony of the Embassy Restaurant on Bleecker Street in downtown Smirkutsk where he sought refuge from persecution for leaking the documents outlining America’s dream catcher programme. “You might be able to stop me, but you’ll never stop information the government wants to keep secret from being made public!”
When it was pointed out that sitting in a cheesecake pierogies restaurant doesn’t actually give one diplomatic immunity for leaking top secret documents, President Obama smirked, “Maybe not, but stopping you will be satisfaction enough!”
“Erm,” Fassbender ermed. “I did the whole smug thing too soon, didn’t I? Ivan? I’ll have those pierogies to go!”