A sampling of excerpts from the Obits ‘R Us Web site:
So, You…Want To Forget About Him?
John Hu – Hugh – John Hughes has di…di…died. He…he…he was – he was fifty-ni – he – COULD YOU PLEASE TURN DOWN “DON’T YOU FORGET ABOUT ME?” I’M TRYING TO WRITE AN OBITUARY HERE!
Or, Maybe She Was Mortified By Constantly Being Mistaken For A Male…25 Year-old…Largest Freshwater Fish In England
Benson, the largest freshwater fish in England, has died at the age of 25. Some have suggested foul play may have been involved. But, Benson was 25. And, she was the largest freshwater fish in England. Or, it could have been the fact that she had been caught and released around 60 times; that’s got to be traumatic for a fish. Especially the largest freshwater fish in England. Especially when it was 25. That’s old. For a fish. In England. Freshwater or otherwise.
He Did A Better Brando Than Brando
Budd Schulberg, Oscar winner for On the Waterfront and author of the ultimate Hollywood novel What Makes Sammy Run? has died at the age of 95. It’s unfortunate he died when he did; if he had held on a little longer, he coulda been a contendah. He coulda been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what he was.
She Sprinted To The Pearly Gates
Eunice Kennedy Shriver died early yesterday in Hyannis, Massachusetts at the age of 88. She is expected to announce the extension of the Special Olympics to the dead in the next day or two.
Les Is No More
Les Paul has died. He was 94 years old. Guitars around the world with his name on them are gently weeping.
Ask Your…Grandparents…
Sylvia Lennick, who played Calpurnia in the classic Wayne and Schuster sketch “Rinse the Blood Off My Toga” has died at the age of 93. Don’t go, Sylvia, they said. Sylvia, don’t go. But, she went.
The Credit Was Patently Absurd
Journalist Don Hewitt, creator of the TV show 60 Minutes and its producer for 36 years, has died at the age of 86 of pancreatic cancer. “He was one of the inventors of broadcast journalism,” 60 Minutes correspondent Steve Kroft said. Looking at the current state of TV journalism before he died, Hewitt renounced any claim to the patent.
And, You’re Anti-Semitic For Reading This
Israeli entertainer Dudu “The Ratings King” Topaz apparently hung himself in the shower of his jail cell. He had been in jail for several months during a trial for allegedly hiring thugs to assault Israeli media executives he blamed for keeping him off the air.
And, that makes me anti-Semitic.
It’s Like He Never Left Us
Rashied Ali, drummer on such John Coltrane albums as Meditations and Interstellar Space, has
Propofol! No, not the active ingredient in a hair tonic – the drug that police think killed Michael Jackson! They raided a Nevada pharmacy believed to be the source of the drugs that killed Jackson to see if it sold the powerful anesthetic to his doctor, Conrad Murray. Propofol! Really!
That’s much more interesting than the death of a…jazz drummer.
Good Luck – You’ll Need The Patience Of A Sai – Oh. Right.
Putative journalist Robert Novak has died of brain cancer at the age of 78. The moment he got to paradise, he started denouncing Don Hewitt as “unheavenly,” claiming that Hewitt “lied about God’s role in shaping the evil that stalks the world.” Saint Peter has vowed to have a talk with him.
They Didn’t Even Give Me A Chance To Finish Writing This Hea
Senator Edward Kennedy, who had been fighting brain cancer for over a year, died moments ago at the age of 77. How long do you think it will be before right wingers mention Chappa – too late.
Actually, That’s Good Advice If You Don’t Plan On Dying, Either
Ellie Greenwich, who wrote such classic songs as “Chapel of Love,” “River Deep, Mountain High” and “Be My Baby” with Phil Spector, has died at the age of 68. Greenwich was a member of the Songwriters Hall of Fame a
IT WAS A HOMICIDE! Oh, yes, yes, yes! Thank you, Lord! Michael Jackson’s death has been ruled by the coroner in his case as a homicide. You’d best believe we’ll be feasting out on this story for months to come!
Uhh, if you’re planning on dying any time soon, you probably should consider not being a musician.