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Puns Are the Lowest Form of Headline Writing
On June first, a new city by-law will force Toronto smokers to butt out. Police have been told to accept no ifs, ands or butts to this policy. You really don’t want to butt heads with City Council on this one: anybody who is caught smoking in public after this date will have shown a lot of butt cheek. Expect a crackdown on cheap cigarettes from Indian reservations, too: after all, nobody likes a peanuts butter.
SOURCE: Canadian Depress
He’s Laying the Groundwork for His Insanity Defense
“The best way to get the news is from objective sources, and the most objective sources I have are people on my staff who tell me what’s happening in the world.”
– President George W. Bush
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
Sonia Gandhi’s election as Prime Minister is a tremendous step forward for India. The fact that people have chosen a woman who was not born in the country as leader holds the promise for a more tolerant society in the future.
– yesterday’s editorial
Sonia Gandhi’s rejection of the post of Prime Minister is a tremendous step forward for India. The fact that people no longer are divided by a woman who was not born in the country as leader holds the promise for a more peaceful society in the future.
– tomorrow’s editorial
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
Not Exactly a Pearsonian Fumble, But…
Prime Minister Paul Martin has dropped the writ for a federal election. Fortunately, he was surrounded by lackeys, and one of them picked it up before anybody could step on it and handed it to Governor-General Adrienne Clarkson.
SOURCE: Canadian Depress
Canadian Election Beer Drinking Game
Drink a beer every time anybody accuses Conservative leader Stephen Harper of being Mike Harris in national drag.
Drink a beer every time anybody accuses NDP leader Jack Layton of having policies that will bankrupt Canada…without actually naming any of them.
Drink a beer every time Bloc Quebecois leader Gilles Duceppe has to explain why there’s no way in hell he will ever agree to form a government with the Conservatives.
Drink two beers and take an aspirin every time anybody brings up the Liberal sponsorship scandal. Drink a shot if the person bringing it up says his party will form a more responsible government without such patronage.
Drink a beer every time a new poll of the electorate comes out. Drink a second beer if the Liberals are five percentage points up or down from the last poll that was published. Drink a shot if the reporter uses the phrase: “If the election was held today…”
Drink a beer every time a pundit or editorial writer claims the NDP is engaging in class warfare. Throw up the beer if somebody else points out that tax breaks for the wealthy is a form of class warfare with much more dire results.
Drink a beer every time one of the campaign buses is the main focus of a report. Have a shot every time one of the television networks’ campaign buses is the main focus of a report.
Drink a beer every time there is a report on why young people don’t vote. Take a grain of salt if the report doesn’t actually talk to anybody who is young.
Drink a beer every time Harper tries to weasel out of positions he has stated in the past.
Drink a beer every time Layton dismisses the NDP’s union ties.
Drink a beer every time Duceppe says he’s more concerned with good government than Quebec sovereignty.
Drink a beer every time Liberal leader Paul Martin talks about leadership, knowing that in the six months he was Prime Minister, he didn’t really show any.
Then, go out and vote responsibly.
SOURCE: aye Weakly
Courtney Love pled guilty yesterday in a Los Angeles court. When asked what she was pleading guilty to, Love said, “I’ve completely lost track, your honour, but if you say I did it, I probably did.” Wasn’t she in the news once for…making music or something?
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
A lot of smokers are complaining about the city by-law that bans smoking in restaurants. They claim that rampaging do-gooders are imposing health standards on them that they would not choose for themselves.
Listen up, asshole: I don’t give a shit about your health. Your lungs can shrivel up and fall out of you chest, for all I care. Try riding the bus to work in an iron lung. Seriously. I hope you get cancer of the lips. I care about my health, and your second-hand smoke ain’t doing jack to make it better.
God, somebody hand me a Valium.
SOURCE: Listen Up, Asshole
The Only Poll That Counts Is The One That Keeps You Home On Election Day
Liberals: 52%
Conservatives: 30%
Bloc Quebecois: 10%
NDP: 8%
(Yesterday’s Eek-A-Mouse poll)
Liberals: 40%
Conservatives: 36%
NDP: 14%
Bloc Quebecois: 10%
(Today’s Ipsos-Factos poll)
NDP (the works): 48%
Conservatives (white bread; extra mayo; hold the relish): 24%
Bloc Quebecois (Cajun spices; French mustard): 20%
Liberals (undercooked; no spices, condiments or garnishes): 8%
(Tomorrow’s Bob’s House o’ Burgers Informal Meat Poll)
And, remember: although most pre-election polls claim to be correct to within three percentage points 19 times out of 20, experience shows that they are actually wrong 99 times out of 100.
SOURCE: The Amazing Chocolate Yummies Blog