by ALEXANDER BIGGS-TUFTS-MANN, Alternate Reality News Service Sports Writer
[Earth Prime 2-7-3-4-8-0 dash Phi] Owing to COVID restrictions, the frenzied scramble to the exits was more of an orderly retreat, albeit with 87 per cent more terrified screaming. Some of the retreating humans tried throwing foam “We’re number one” hands at the figure on the court; that had about as much effect as trying to stop a cyclone by spitting into it against its .
“Hey! I. Just. Wanna. Play. B-ball,” the object of the terror said from mid-court. “Don’t. Hate. Tha. Playah. Yo.”
To make its point, the six foot-ten robot that looked like a human being wrapped in tin foil sank a three point basket. From the opposite side of the court.
“That’s. What. I’m. Talking. About,” CUE, the basketball playing robot wearing a “Tokyo, 2020” tee with the number 66, stated.
The roar of the crowd seemed to approve of the machine, except, of course, that there was nobody left in the arena except a handful of terrified journalists and International Olympics Committee officials. The sound was actually fighter jets flying overhead, waiting for the green light to destroy the threat to the future of humanity within.
It probably didn’t help that the first thing CUE said upon gliding onto the court was: “The. American. Team? They. Are. Long. On. Talk. Short. On. Talent. If. They. Tried. Playing. Me. I. Would. Take. Them. Apart. Until. There. Was. Nothing. Left. But. Quaking. Puddles. On. The. Court!”
When I asked CUE why it would threaten to destroy the American Olympic basketball team, it responded: “It. Was. Trash. Talk. Just. Trash. Talk. What? Only. Flesh. And. Blood. Beings. Can. Trash. Talk. Their. Opponents?”
About the time tanks took up positions around the arena, Toyota, the creator of CUE, released a statement that read: “We apologize that our basketball-playing robot, which was intended to be a source of amusement and wonder, has, instead, become a source of violence and dread. It was not programmed for violence and dread. However, because it is autonomous, CUE may have transcended its basketball origins. We are truly sorry that this has happened, and are willing to accept whatever remedy the Japanese government proposes.”
If a face wearing a lumpy silver ski mask can be said to register sadness and betrayal, CUE’s did.
It didn’t have a lot of time to react, though, as seconds later a male voice blared out of the arena’s loudspeakers, “CUEsan. To leaving peacefully you must be. If humans unharmed you leave, repercussions for your worthy self minimal will being.” (To be fair, although the translator in my earbud sounded like she was having a conniption fit in the middle of a panic attack, she stayed at her microphone.)
CUE glided off the court and to the front door of the arena, dribbling all the way so that it wouldn’t be penalized for travelling. “Bro. You. Got. Me. All. Wrong. Fo. Shizzle,” CUE announced through its own internal loudspeakers. “I’m. Just. Here. To. Shoot. Some. Hoops. Yo. I. Got. Game. And. I. Want. To. Show. The. World.”
The tense silence which followed was broken only by the distant screech of cars pealing out of the arena’s parking lot. A couple of minutes later, the voice over the loudspeaker solemnly growled: “Humans will to be leaving the building within two minutes, now, immediately, at once, please. After that, the commencement of the bombing will – oh, shitake!”
Suddenly, there was nothing but static in my earbuds. This was my cue (lower case) to run.
I got as far as I could when I heard the whining of the jets. I turned in time to see six planes in a vee formation flying low to the ground. CUE threw the basketball in its…appendages at the lead plane, causing it to veer into the plane on its left that resulted in an explosion that made CGI flames look like Etch-a-Sketch.
“Whoa! Dudes!” CUE stated. “I. Did. Not. Realize. That. Humanity. Was. Such. A. Sore. Los -” The rest of its statement was drowned out by the explosion that levelled the arena.
Why did the Japanese government take such drastic action? Perhaps criticism of holding the Olympic games during a resurgent pandemic had made it sensitive. Perhaps ongoing criticism of its ineffective actions against Gojira rampages over the years had added to its sensitivity. Not winning gold in long distance sumo wrestling definitely added to its sensitivity.
“Survived Simone Biles out of major events pulling, the Olympics did,” a voice in my new earbuds explained. “Survive one of our venues the loss of, we will!”