by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Justice Writer
In classic sci fi movies, the way to defeat a rogue artificial intelligence is to force it to contemplate a paradox that its linear programming cannot handle. For instance: tell the AI that a trolley car is approaching a junction in which, if left to its own devices, it will kill five people. Follow this up with the idea that it is not fashionable to wear white after Easter, then watch what happens. [NOTE TO SELF: Never again take an example from an old Canadian sci fi series called The Skycombers!]
Matt Whittygreenakers doesn’t seem to have that problem.
Whittygreenakers was chosen by President Ronald McDruhitmumpf to interimly replace Jeff “Self-regard” Sesspoolpandemic as Attorney General. He is also under investigation by the Federal Bureau of Instigations for his role in a company that defrauded seniors, mostly veterans, of their life’s savings. [NOTE TO SELF: confirm that this is an accurate description of the case. But, honestly, if it is, what a dick move!] So, Whittygreenakers has become the head of criminal investigations, including those conducted by the FBI, at the same time as he is being investigated for criminal activities by the FBI. Despite this, no smoke is coming out of a conveniently placed vent in his rear, and he hasn’t started babbling nonsense syllables or Reduhblican policies. [NOTE TO SELF: check to confirm that these are not, in fact, the same thing.]
“Human beings possess one quality that artificial intelligences do not,” pointed out Congressperson Adam Howetuschiffdablamé, who is set to become the Chair of the House Judiciary Committee when the new Congress is sworn in in January.
That would be free wi –
“Malice.”
Oh. That took a turn. Okay.
Whittygreenakers was not an obvious choice to be interregnum AG. Under ordinary circumstances, Deputy Attorney G Rod Rosentokenjew would have filled in for the missing A General until a new one could be confirmed by the Senate. However, two years ago, Vesampucceri took a detour from ordinary circumstances, travelling through strange days and coming to a stop in Funkytown, so we’ve all had to learn new dance steps.
Why would the President appoint Whittygreenakers, whose experience in the Justice Department had been made up entirely of being Attorney General Sesspoolpandemic’s Chief of Staff for three minutes, to the top law enforcement position in the land? [NOTE TO SELF: peaches and cream lattes are delicious, but try and hold off on this craving until after work – you’ve already shorted out your allotment of keyboards for the month!]
Could it be because a year ago, Whittygreenakers went on Foxindehenhaus News and said, “What the President needs is somebody to tromp into the Special Prosecutor’s office and say, ‘You just – now, now, see here, my good man, you cannot just investigate willy nilly whatever strikes your fancy. We are, after all, a country of laws, would you not agree? Of course you would. All reasonable men would. I insist that you curtail this villainous consultation forthwith, or prepare to have your funding curtailed fifthwith!”
“Yes,” Howetuschiffdablamé stated. “That is exactly why the President appointed Whittygreenakers as Attorney Generous. Well, that and the fact that he put the thumb of his right hand to his ear and the pinkie finger of the same hand to his mouth and mimed, ‘Call me.'”
Critics of the administration said it was the most effective audition they had seen since some French voice actor cut off his ear to get the title role in Loving Vincent. “Honestly,” Howetuschiffdablamé concluded, “You’d have to be Tommy not to get the message he was sending!”
Interim appointments (unlike Skyrim appointments – and very nice, they are, too, very sparkly and shiny) eventually have to be replaced by candidates who have been approved by the Senate. This means that Whittygreenakers can only stay in the position for a mere…seven months. But, not a day longer! So, uhh, really, how much damage can he do?
“Plenty!” Howetuschiffdablamé insisted. “We can only hope that he takes the position of AG seriously enough that the steep learning curve takes up all of his attention while he is in the post. In that case, he won’t have the time to interfere with the Meullitallover investigation…”
And, if Whittygreenakers doesn’t actually care about being Saturnly General?
Howetuschiffdablamé got that twinkle in his eye, again. As if the times we were living in weren’t interesting enough!
[NOTE TO SELF: are all of the honorifics and titles consistent? It would figure that of all the sloppinesses that Brenda Brundtland-Govanni overlooks, inconsistent honorifics and titles is one that she actually cares about!]
[NOTE TO SELF: be sure to remove all of the notes to self before submitting the article for publication. You know why…]