by MARA VERHEYDEN-HILLIARD, Alternate Reality News Service National Security Writer
Pedro GreeleyGrinchypants is a typical six year-old boy. He loves watching cartoons and playing federales and gringos with other boys at his kindergarten (even if they mistakenly think they’re playing cowboys and indigenous peoples). He winsomely stares out the window of his bedroom for hours at a time. Trying to get his lips around English vowels makes his mouth hurt.
Unlike typical six year-old boys, Pedro GreeleyGrinchypants is a political football. And, not in a good way: in a kicked around a lot because nobody seems able to mount an effective offence way. “Children like little Pedro should not be riiiiiiipped from their loving parents’ arms,” Health and Human Disservices Secretary Alex M. Alexiazar IV stated. “Children need a stable home environment in order to thrive. Teeeeaaaaaarrrrriiiiing them away from that would cause them permanent emotional distress. So, we won’t let it happen, okay?”
Okay. The Secretary’s statement might make you think the administration of President Ronald McDruhitmumpf’s heart had grown three sizes overnight. Unfortunately, Hiram and Sue-Ellen GreeleyGrinchypants, the homemakers from which little Pedro should not be riiiiiiipped and etc., are not the boy’s parents. Pedro was taken from those people when they crossed the border without documents and adopted by the GreeleyGrinchypants family. Secretary Alexiazar IV’s statement was a response to people who were trying to get Health and Human Disservices to give the child back to his parents.
What’s that? You thought a majority of the 2,700 children who had been taken by the United States government after it adopted the policy had been reunited with their birth parents? That may be, you silly billy. But, Pedro was one of the potentially thousands of children who were separated from their parents at the border before the policy was announced.
Do try to keep up. Much as I would love to pad my word count by repeating myself, I’m sure my Editrix-in-Chief would object, and, when she objects, heads snap on necks!
“We’re Gord-fearing folks in this family,” Hiram GreeleyGrinchypants said as Sue-Ellen GreeleyGrinchypants sat nearby knitting a “Burn in Hell, Heathen Scum!” sampler. “The good Gord commanded us to be fruitful and multiply. When that didn’t happen…” Hiram looked meaningfully at Sue-Ellen, who concentrated that much harder on the comma, the trickiest punctuation mark to knit. Then, he continued, “…we decided to adopt a heathen scum baby and bring him to Gord. Because Gord loves us.”
What about Pedro’s actual parents? “If the good Gord had wanted Pedro to stay with his…parents, He wouldn’t have created ICES [the Immigration Corralling and Expulsing Service].”
“Hiram and Sue-Ellen are good people,” claimed Chris Paluskyomeinn, President and CEO of MaryBethanChristiney Christian Services. “Yes, okay, certainly, Hiram lusts after hat check girls, and Sue-Ellen is a little over-fond of her Sambuca spritzers. But, at least they don’t cross borders illegally in the dead of night, putting their children in danger!”
And, they can afford the $20,000 to $40,000 adoption fee?
“That’s not a very Christian attitude,” Paluskyomeinn’s eyes scrunched. “Verheyden-Hilliard – is that some kind of cryptic Jew name?”
MaryBethanChristiney Christian Services has friends in high places. Education Secretary Betsy DeVolution-Ross’ charitable foundation gave the non-profit organization $343,000. The charitable foundation of her father-in-law, Richard DeVolution-Ross, gave the organization $750,000. Even the family’s pets got in on the act.
“Muffy DeVolution-Ross is a Gord-fearing German Sheppard,” Paluskyomeinn commented. “She knows that saving heathen souls will get her an endless supply of doggy treats in heaven. Won’t it? Won’t it, girl? Oooh, of course it will! Who’s a good girl? You are! Oh, yes you are! Praise the Gord!”
When asked about the fees his service charges per adoption, Paluskyomeinn scoffed, “What do you think we are‽ A charity‽”
Well, actually…
Taking children from their birth parents and giving them to complete strangers for money – there is a term for that, isn’t there? I mean, the English language has a word for the things at the end of your shoelaces and the holes you put those parts of your shoelaces through – you would expect it to have a word for this practice. What could it possibly –
“Human trafficking is a human tragedy, people,” President Ronald McDruhitmumpf claimed when he was trying to get funding for a border wall/fence/barrier/annoyance. “It’s bad. Oh, so very bad. The fact that it’s happening on our southern border is a disgrace. Everybody knows it. I know it. You know it. The man in the moon knows it. That’s pretty much everybody, everybody. We must put an end to human trafficking once and for all!”
Ah. Right. A token smart person couldn’t have put it better herself.