1) Trump supporters are threatening to leave the United States if Trump is indicted. What do you say to them?
a) “I hear the moon is a nice place to visit this time of year.”
b) “Don’t let the social inclusion hit your ass on the way out!”
c) “Can we pretend that he’s already been indicted so I can tell you what I really think of you as I say goodbye?”
2) The Trump administration repealed rules governing rail safety; a train crash sent toxic chemicals into the air and water in East Palestine. The Trump administration repealed laws governing bank stress testing and cash on hand minimums; SVB collapsed. What other regulations did the Trump administration repeal, and what consequences should we be worried about?
a) changed terms in the Endangered Species Act to smallen the number of species protected
b) lifted oil and natural gas extraction bans
c) weakened the Coal Ash Rule, which regulates the disposal of toxic coal waste
i) transgendered people using the wrong bathroom
ii) American children learning the wrong history of the country (you know, all that icky stuff about racism and stuff)
iii) gay people having the wrong rights (ie: any)
3) Gregory Merchant Lang is a retired solutionist. What is a “retired solutionist?”
a) society’s antidote to an active problematicist
b) the Retired Solutionist was a superhero who quit before he encountered his first supervillain
c) somebody who studies the remains of chemical solutions after high school chemistry students have gotten their hands on them
4) Why wait decades to test DNA?
a) it ages well if kept in the right cask
b) because we’re really testing the public’s patience
c) what, you don’t like surprises? How dull your daily routine must be!
5) A recent poll suggests that a majority of Canadians – all of 54% – want the death penalty reinstated for murder. What was the question that led to this result?
a) Should you lick the salt off your fingers while eating from a communal peanut bowl?
b) On a scale of one to homicidal, how badly do you want to keep control of the remote?
c) What is the distance from the Earth to the moon?
6) Who or what are ammosexuals?
a) Americans who stockpile ammunition for rifles and handguns
b) Americans who subscribe to the Playgun web site
c) people who get physical pleasure out of huffing ammonia
7) According to TD Bank Group’s Chief Digital Officer Rizwan Khalfan, “If I asked you how many times you make a payment – probably five, six times a day? Those are five to six interactions a day with your bank. How do we take that action and make it more meaningful?” Well, how do they make that action more meaningful?
a) quote Nietzsche on the back of every debit card
b) quote Buddha on the back of every credit card
c) only issue cards to ammosexuals
d) other
8) In a ceremony so secret that not even his mother knew it was about to happen, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis signed a new law. What was it and why the secrecy?
a) that nobody should ever discuss his virginity in public; allowing Floridians to know about it would raise a lot of questions he would rather his children not hear the answers to
b) that Disney executives must wear their underwear on their heads while in the state; if any of them actually did it, he wanted Floridians to believe that it was their weirdly anti-American idea
c) that women anywhere in the world who had had abortions could be prosecuted in Florida; he didn’t want the law to be challenged by Latvian lawyers – they can be animals!
9) What is No Labels Org?
a) there’s no way of knowing, because it refuses to be…you know
b) the spearhead of a movement promoting artisanal crafts
c) a SuperPAC dedicated to supporting third party candidates who could help split the left vote and win Trump the presidency in 2024…not that we’re into labels or anything…
10) Who said, “Come, let us deal craftily with them lest, they multiply even more, and it may be that when a war occurs, they will side with our enemies and will fight against us and go up out of the land?” Who did they say it about?
a) the Egyptian government
b) the Israeli government
c) the Florida government
i) M&Ms
ii) Jewish slaves
iii) Palestinians
11) How can I avoid these 12 retirement blunders?
a) don’t retire
b) by all means retire, just never let anybody on Twitter know
c) don’t rely on Facebook ads that tell you how, if you just click on the link, you can avoid these 12 retirement blunders
12) Hindu nationalists in the Indian government are remaking the educational curriculum to remove inconvenient truths like the links between Hindu extremism and the assassination of Mohandas Gandhi, and the slaughter of Muslims in Gujarat when Prime Minister Narendra Modi was head of the state. Why would they do that?
a) they heard somewhere that truth was a powerful disinfectant, and they like their politics down and dirty
b) if the people knew the truth, they would vote for the wrong politicians, and they are too devoted to democracy to allow that to happen
c) “Give me four years to teach the children and the seed I have sown will never be uprooted.” They read that on the internet and thought, Yeah, sure, I should give that a shot!
13) White nationalists in the Florida government are remaking the educational curriculum to remove inconvenient truths like the links between racism and the Civil War, and that people are gay from birth, not as a personal choice, and deserve human rights like anybody else. Why would they do that?
a) they heard somewhere that truth was a powerful disinfectant, and they like their politics down and dirty
b) if the people knew the truth, they would vote for the wrong politicians, and they are too devoted to democracy to allow that to happen
c) “Give us the child for 8 years and it will be a Bolshevik forever.” They read that on the internet and thought, Wrong ideology, but the method sure seems worth a shot!
14) How can we be certain that Jack Teixeira’s leak of classified documents was completely innocent?
a) he said that if he had his way, he would “kill a [EXPLETIVE DELETED] ton of people” because it would be “culling the weak minded”
b) he sought advice about what rifle would be easy to operate from the back of an SUV. He described how he would conduct the shooting in a “crowded urban or suburban environment”
c) he described SUVs and crossovers as “mobile gun trucks” and “Off-road and good assassination vehicles”
d) uhh…can I say none of the above?
15) I don’t know. Can you say none of the above?
a) nern of the abervn – dammit!
b) maybe I can say…some of the above…it’s hard to tell, really…
c) nunce of the abunce – dammit with applesauce!
d) none of the above – well, whaddya know? I guess I can!
16) Which of the following countries has issued warnings to people considering travelling to the United States because of mass shootings?
a) New Zealand
b) Canada
c) Australia
d) United Kingdom
e) France
f) all of the abo – oh, shit
17) The following is a list of content matter that were the reason books were banned between July 2021 and June 2022. Rank them in the order of most to least frequent:
a) LGBTQ+ characters or themes
b) protagonists or secondary characters of colour
c) discussion of race and racism
d) discussion of Mickey Mouse’s genitals
d) themes of rights and activism
18) What is Walpurgisnacht?
a) the German celebration of the birth of Donny Whalberg
b) a brand of snacking delicacy made up of alternating layers of vanilla and chocolate cake and prayers
c) a Germanic way of denying Walpurg’s request
19) At a recent press conference, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis’ face got away from him, seeming to take on a life of its own. What happened?
a) he was possessed by the spirit of Shemp
b) a glitch in his animatronic programming
c) the Devil made him do it
20) At a recent rally, former President Donald Trump asked, “Shall I do it?” He then did it. “It” was moving his arms up and down in a strange humping rhythm. What happened?
a) he was possessed by the spirit of a hoedown dancer
b) a glitch in his animatronic programming
c) he refused to allow Ron DeSantis to beat him in the competition to see who can make the goofiest physical gesture – this is what the competition between the two men for the Republican nomination for president has come to!