by MARA VERHEYDEN-HILLIARD, Alternate Reality News Service National Security Writer
How many times can you take a picture of a heroic young man (heavily armed) looking across a tumbleweed-strewn desert (right out of central casting – good tumbleweeds don’t grow on trees, you know!), silhouetted by the setting sun before you start repeating yourself?
“237,” answered Sgt. Ibrahim Baruch-al-Ooda, of the Flyin’ (Lizards) Photogs Unit. (Imagine the shoulder patch!)
Oh. I wasn’t expecting the answer to be so…specific. Or, definitive. Umm…well done, soldier.
Sgt. Baruch-al-Ooda is one of the 5,900 troops that have been deployed to the Vesampuccerian border with Mexico to combat invading bands of rampaging…err…rampagers. And, nogoodniks. As President Ronald McDruhitmumpf recently tweeped: “Gord bless the troops who are taking photographs of heroic young men defending our southern border! I mean, BANG! BOOM! THWOING! Blood spouting and body parts flying – this is what makes Vesampucceri grate!”
There’s just one problem with the President’s stirring (if bloody – you would have thought Eli Rothogordonya had ghost-written the tweep) vision: the refugees that he is trying to make everybody so afraid of are working their way through Latin Vesampucceri so slowly that they aren’t expected to appear at the border for several months. That, and the fact that they are mostly women and children, whose only real threat to the United States is to contribute to it.
Okay, there are two problems with the President’s vision: the refugees haven’t arrived and they’re not trained fighters and military personnel are forbidden by the Posse Comitatus (no, no, no, you’re thinking of The Pussy Coitus, and get your mind out of the gutter because I’m not that kind of journalist!) Act of 1878 from engaging in judicial operations on Vesampuccerian soil.
Three! Three things! There are three – there are many problems with the President’s vision of what is happening on the country’s southern border, including but not limited to: the slow thing, the civilian thing and the not being able to legally engage with anybody doing illegal things on Vesampuccerian soil thing.
Why would the President offer such a dark vision to the nation when the reality is so much more yoyodyne?
“To fire up his base for the mid-term election,” stated token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. The “Duh” was implied. With all the subtlety of a Wall Street bull in a shop in China.
If that’s the case, why has the President continued to tweep about sending the troops to protect the country’s southern border since the election? “Has he?” token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam had a sarcasm orgasm. “Has he really?”
Sure, he has. Just this morning, President McDruhitmumpf tweeped – oh, no, that was about how much the investigation of Special Prosecutor Robert Meullitallover was a witch hunt. A lot, apparently. But, yesterday, the President tweeped about…umm, okay, how the Meullitallover investigation was a hoax. Hmm…let’s see…will have the affect of keeping good people out of politics – * SNORT! * – a witch hunt and a hoax, both at the same time – inevitable, that one, really – fully qualified to be the next Attorney Gen – oh, my Gord, the token smart person was right! The President hasn’t tweeped, peeped, beeped or otherwise skiddley-doo-queeped about protecting the country’s southern border since the election!
“Being right is an occupational hazard,” token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam smugged.
Given the limitations placed upon them, what are the soldiers who have been deployed to the southern border actually doing? Some are working in intelligence (“Nope. Still no invading hordes at the border.”). Some are working in tactics and logistics (“Since there are no invading hordes at the border, there’s really nothing to be done.”). Five of the 32 units at the border are press and public relations (“Can you pose heroically…in front of that array of computer screens featuring an incomprehensible flow of satellite data that is telling us that no invading hordes are at the – yeah, I think I’ll go back outside and see if the sun is setting…”).
But, for troops deployed at the southern border, life isn’t all watching computer screens and waiting for sunsets. Granted, it’s mostly watching computer screen and waiting for sunsets. And, building the occasional latrine just to mix things up a bit. In fact, there are times when a live rooster being set free in the armoury would be –
“Are‽ You‽ Kidding‽ Me‽” shouted security expert Malcolm Donneednopennance. “Are you ferking kidding me‽”
Umm…we don’t think so…
“This operation is taking soldiers away from training or assignments that might actually, you know, benefit somebody in some way!” security expert Donneednopennance argued. At vociferousness. “And, the whole operation could cost upwards of $200 million! And, for what? To gain some kind of advantage in a mid-term election‽”
Well, okay, when you put it that way…