The problem with self-administered psychological tests is that nobody wants to come across as a psychopath. Go figure. So, when taking one most people calculate the answers that will make them look the best. This is known as “the self-enhancing bias,” or, less formally, the “I don’t want to be labeled a psycho” stigma
Here at Les Pages aux Folles, we have been obsessed with how to develop a test that could overcome the whole self-enhancing/psycho label thing. To accomplish this, we have developed a series of pairs of statements, neither of which indicate how much identifying with them would reveal your psychoness. Pretty clever, hunh? This is how it works:
Choose the statement that applies most to you:
A. I like to wear fake seal flippers on my hands and my feet when I go to bed at night.
B. I get uncomfortable thinking about canned meat products.
A. I like to dance without any pants on, mostly when other people are not around.
B. When the squirrels whisper to me, I have to lie in bubble wrap for an hour or I am forced to do what they tell me to do.
A. I dream of the square root of irrational numbers.
B. I am physically attracted to clothes dryer lint.
A. When I wonder “Why this and not that?”, I have to eat Jamoca almond fudge ice cream until the dizziness goes away.
B. People think I’m creepy when my nose wrinkles, but I’m just agreeing that we need to do something drastic about global warming.
A. My elbows glow in the dark.
B. I wish I could eat sunsets.
A. When I think of my father, my shins itch.
B. If I could be invisible, I would secretly watch crossing guards at work.
A. I don’t want to lose my teeth, I just want to wear dentures.
B. The periods on my computer screen contain information that the long dashes don’t want to know.
A. I am eagerly awaiting the lost Peanuts strips where Snoopy is a World War II flying ace who drops the bomb on Nagasaki.
B. I believe that HB pencils are naughty.
A. The ants crawling up my wall have been choreographed by Busby Berkeley.
B. When I was a child, I thought the Easter Bunny hid eggs that became human babies
A. If I could be any mammal in the world, I would like to be a kumquat.
B. When I reflect on the image of Earth from outer space, I am compelled to do the Funky Chicken.
A. Sweater vests make me long for the days continental drift was just a story parents used to scare their children.
B. I see alien creatures in Wal-Mart ads.
A. When I get frustrated by delays on the subway, I remind myself that at least I don’t have the Bubonic Plague.
B. My eyes start to droop whenever somebody tries to convert me to the Merovingian Heresy (I always thought it was a kind of lemon pie).
A. I believe that if I eat enough CDs, the music will be in me, too.
B. I went to university until I realized that wombats don’t get much benefit from higher education.
A. When I talk, it’s like the fourth of July goes off in my mouth (and I’m not even American)!
B. I don’t know what Hammacher Schlemmer is, but I fear it…I fear it to the very depths of my soul.
A. I believe that HB pencils need to be spanked. That is how naughty they are.
B. I know why the lawned flamingo sings.
A. I am convinced that if it weren’t for magazine subscription cards, we would all be sea slugs.
B. Every time I feel like sticking strawberries up my nose, I read Don DeLillo until the feeling goes away…or I fall asleep.
A. I like Sweden because hoot owls make great pets.
B. I try not to think about how little I try to think.
A. If I had my way, all HB pencils would be sentenced to life with no hope of parole. Some naughtiness just cannot be condoned by society!
B. I’m like chocolate filet mignon, but without the stabs of regret.
Thank you for taking the test for which we have perfected questions that resist the self-enhancing bias. When we figure out what the answers mean, we’ll let you know.