Thank you, Eleanor Escritoire, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. DID YOU KNOW: When the polar ice caps melt completely, only the people living above the 64th floor in buildings will survive? You didn’t? Why not? Pinky and the Brain knew that.
Enjoy,Kandahardy Har Har
Why is Canada in Afghanistan? The opposition won’t ask, the Prime Minister won’t tell.
“Troops flex muscle in Taliban stronghold” (Globe and Mail)
Is it to fight for freedom, the way Canadians did in World War I and World War II? Let me tell you: I fought in World War I. I know World War I. And, the war on terror is no World War I! (Besides, don’t wars start with declarations, not evasions?)
“Hundreds of troops take part in ‘Operation Peacemaker’” (Toronto Star)
Is it to bring democracy to Afghanistan? A country controlled by warlords is not usually considered fertile soil for democracy, although Afghanistan does appear to be fertile soil for poppy seeds.
“Canadian troops push into Taliban heartland” (Toronto Star)
Then, it hit me: the only explanation that makes sense is that our troops are in Afghanistan to help make newspaper headlines more dramatic! Given the steep decline in readers over the past 20 or so years, I have no doubt that newspaper publishers – if not the soldiers dying in a foreign land – appreciate the government’s help.
SOURCE: Karl’s Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
These Shoes Weren’t Made For Walking
An investigation into the theft of 19th century gold-embroidered slippers valued at $160,000 has widened to include an “organized crime ring.”
Organized crime. Slippers theft. No wonder The Sopranos is going off the air.
SOURCE: Women’s Wear Daily Worker
Abu Ghraib Comes A Cropper
The United States announced that it plans to close Abu Ghraib in three months, just in time to celebrate the opening of its new prison in Iraq, Camp Cropper, or, as it has been dubbed, AG Lite. At AG Lite, designed to provide better conditions, prisoners will only have 10,000 volts applied to their genitals, will only be peed on by guards who have been drinking Gatorade and will only be beaten on national holidays.
“The fact that the new facility will offer better conditions for prisoners,” White House spokesweasel Scott McLellan stated, “does not in any way mean that there were any problems with conditions at the old facility. We have always upheld and plan to continue to uphold the highest standards of the United States of America.”
Oh, I can’t wait to see the photographs of the opening ceremonies…
SOURCE: The Day To Day Show, with Jon Tudor
The Thrill Is Gone? The Thrill Was Never There!
I really hate Saturdays. Hate them. Hate them. Hate them. Hate them. I get really, really, really thick newspapers on Saturday. Really big ones. All that stuff happening in the world, and none of it seems to happen to me. You think I’m ever involved in an armed insurrection against foreign occupiers? The closest I ever got to that was getting into an argument with a swarthy looking taxi driver who took a long route to the airport to make me pay more for the ride. Well, I mean, I almost got into an argument with him. I thought about it a lot on the plane ride to Newark, though, I can tell you that much.
And, what about all that news about the Enron trial? Ooh, who wouldn’t want to be on trial for stealing billions of dollars from little old ladies in California? The fast cars. The writeups in business magazines. The ill-fitting suits. That’s the life! I…I’m not sure I should mention this but – what the heck, the statute of limitations must have run out by now. I once…this is so delicious…I once stole a paper clip. Right out of my office! While everybody was working around me! Take away the high priced lawyers and back-stabbing, and I know exactly what the Enron executives are going through!
SOURCE: Boredom Blog
No
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
Third Way – Third Rail
“It sort of works in Europe” is not a valid argument for private health care.
“You can’t just throw money at health care” is not a valid argument for private health care.
“I went to the United States to get my hip replaced” is not a valid argument for private health care.
“People have got to stop clinging to the idea of public health care as a national trust” is not a valid argument for private health care.
“Rich people want to pay for prompt medical service and don’t give a shit about anybody else” is not a valid argument for private health care – although it does explain a lot.
SOURCE: The Medical Industrial Complex
How Comedy Works…Or Doesn’t
One common comic device is exaggeration – taking a trait that a person, place or thing is known for and pushing it to its extreme. So, somebody isn’t merely fat. He’s so fat he has his own postal code. She’s so fat, her gravitational pull attracts small animals. He’s so fat NASA is planning a mission to – well, you get the idea.
According to Conservative MP Deepak Obhrai, federal Ethics Commissioner Bernard Shapiro has acted like a member of the Gestapo, Nazi Germany’s secret police force. This poses a problem for humourists: how do you exaggerate something that is, itself, already absurdly exaggerated?
Do you go the Hitler route and compare Shapiro (who is Jewish) to the Nazi leader? Do you write that he is the anti-Christ (did I mention he was Jewish)?
I – I got nothing.
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
The World Leader Is Beloved…Just Not By These People
Match the statement about the poor health of Ariel Sharon with the world leader who made it:
1) “The Butcher of Sabra and Shatila has joined his ancestors and others will soon follow suit.”i) Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies