The Daily Me – Paula Johnston

Thank you, Paula Johnston, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we…Paula. What…what kind of a name is Paula? We’ve been running an experiment in reader alienation for the past few weeks by making fun of our subscribers’ names. What the hell are we supposed to do with Paula Johnston? It’s too…bland. Too ordinary. We’re suspending your account – sign on with a more interesting name, okay?

Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff

Score One For Tolerance And Mutual Understanding

Freedom of speech does not excuse the maligning of all of the members of a religious group. In an increasing interconnected world, tolerance and mutual respect is the only way people of different backgrounds will be able to get along. Belittling the founder of Islam in cartoons is an intolerable act of religious hatred.

Of course, we expect no better from the Jews who control the western media. They know nothing but hatred, as is constantly shown by their horrific treatment of Palestinians in the occupied territories. Death to the Zionists! DEATH TO JEWS!

SOURCE: Teheran Post and Intelligencer

Now, If They Could Just Figure Out A Way To Humanize Themselves

In an effort “humanize the unborn,” abortion foes are trying to get laws passed in state legislatures that would require doctors to tell their patients before they perform the operation that when babies kick in the womb, they are actually dancing the Lambada.

“This is only the beginning,” said Daniel McConchell, vice president of Americans Living for Disunity. “If it passes, the next thing we’ll do is convince legislatures that fetuses listen to iPods!”

SOURCE: Cleveland Wheeler Dealer

Like, You Know, Ha Ha Ha, Man

Hard on the heels of Devo 2.0, a children’s version of the alt rock band, comes Cheech and Chong Another Hit, featuring children’s versions of the stoner classics.

“All your favourite routines will be there,” explained Tommy Chong, the taller, Canadian half of the comedy team. “‘Santa Claus and His Old Lady,” ‘Let’s Make a Dope Deal’ and…and…and…and…others…”

Because the routines will be performed by 8 to 12 year-olds, words such as “bong,” “hit,” “lid” and “extemporaneousness” cannot be used. “The, uhh, routines may be a little shorter,” Chong, the one who hasn’t been in Kevin Costner movies, explained, “but, like, hey, man, so are the performers!”

SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now

Shooting Fishy Politicians In A Barrel 1

“Just mark my words. If they [Conservatives] get elected, they are going to begin a massive review of programmes and a massive set of cuts.”
- Liberal MP David Emerson during the election campaign

“I’ve had conversations with Prime Minister Harper. I’m satisfied that he’s a man with sincerity who has noble objectives for the country. I think that I can work with him quite effectively to do things that are in the interests of the people who elected me.”
- Conservative MP David Emerson after the election campaign

“We do not go out of our way to romance MPs to cross the floor. Liberals will do anything to win. We try to create a principled party and are going about it in a principled way.”
- Stephen Harper on the defection of Belinda Stronach from the Conservatives to the Liberals

“During the last Parliament, as I sat across from the government benches, I was consistently impressed with David Emerson. He is a man of great intelligence, a man with a stellar record in the private sector who is clearly committed to public service.”
- Stephen Harper on the defection of David Emerson from the Liberals to the Conservatives

SOURCE: No Comment Quotes

George W. Bush – Secret Cheech And Chong Fan

“H…h…hey, man.”

“Hey.”

“You got any, any, any – you holding, man?”

“What do you need?”

“High – high – high octane.”

“Man, you’re addicted.”

“No, I – I – I’m not. I can q…q…q…quit any time.”

“Go cold public transit?”

“Stone cold public transit, m…m…m…man.”

“I don’t believe you. Man, you’re totally addicted!”

“No, man, I –”

“Can’t you see what your addiction is doing to Mary and the children? Not to mention the way it distorts American foreign policy by forcing the government to deal with despotic Middle Eastern regimes and sometimes even wage war against them?”

“No, man, really, it isn’t like that!”

“You’re addicted, and you’re in denial about your addiction.”

“So…you gonna help me out, or what?”

“See this little plastic cup?”

“Cup?”

“The one with the ethanoladone in it?”

“Yeah. Sure. What about it?”

“Some day, I’ll force you to use it. But, for now, how much do you want?”

“Fill ‘er up, man. I’m going all the way, baby! All the way!”

SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles

Say What?

Coretta Scott King, who favored ending legalized abortion as a young lawyer but now says she will approach the issue with an “open mind,” has died.

The 78-year-old Mrs. King, who has compiled a mostly conservative record during 15 years on the bench, becomes the 110th justice to serve on the high court.

“It’s not a sad day, not really,” said Owen Lawson, a manager for Cardinal Health Systems. “It’s a day to remember Samuel Alito and all that he accomplished.”

SOURCE: 24 Hour News Mashups

Score One For Historical Tolerance And Mutual Understanding

Protests have erupted throughout the Middle East over cartoons that depict Jesus Christ, the founder of the religion known as Christianity, dunking witches and setting them on fire. Riots have broken out throughout the New World, with at least seven people having been killed. There is also talk of boycotting John Scott’s Smithee, Alan Smithee’s General Shoppe and other New World business establishments.

Freedom of speech does not excuse the maligning of all of the members of a religious group. In an increasing interconnected world, tolerance and mutual respect is the only way people of different backgrounds will be able to get along. Belittling the founder of Christianity in cartoons is an intolerable act of religious hatred.

SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service