Thank you, Garrett Deberet, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Hey! Did you know both your names rhyme with “ferret?” Unless you’re French, we guess; that would make you gay. The rhyme, we mean. We would never presume to…to – whatever.
Enjoy,Oh, The Humanity! – How Much Am I Bid?
Do not go and see the film Karla. DO NOT go and see the film Karla. If you do, you will be rewarding the crass commercial exploitation of one of the sickest episodes in Canadian justice.
I warned people this would happen. Many of the over 50 columns I’ve devoted to Karla Homolka and Paul Bernardo’s killing spree pointed out that this was just the sort of horror that the mainstream media love to milk for their own profit. My book on the subject, coming out in hardcover next month from Faber and Faber, goes into detail about just how badly mainstream media have served the victims of Paul and Karla.
If you go and see this movie, you will be rewarding the exploitation of humanity’s worst impulses for commercial gain. Don’t do it.
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
The Best Defense Is Still Highly Offensive
Vandenberg Air Force Base in California has two silos containing interceptor missiles, two less than originally planned by this time. Fort Greely, in Alaska, has eight instead of the planned 16. Why? Two independent panels suggested the military scale back its expectations of missile defense after test failures in 2004 and 2005 in which the interceptors didn’t even make it out of their silos.
Did I mention that the US government has spent about $100 billion on missile defense since 1983?
It’s like a 22 year-old still being in kindergarten. A 22 year-old born without a brain in an obscenely expensive kindergarten.
And, this is the American missile defense programme Prime Minister Stephen Harper wants Canada to join.
Oh, yes, I really am going to enjoy this government.
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
Hey! At Least We Don’t Have Butterfly Ballots!
An American voted in Canada’s recent election. This is supposed to show how easy it is for ineligible people to vote in our election. I think it stems from how hard it is for some eligible people to vote in American elections.
SOURCE: The Quick and the Detwiler
Some Things Are Better Lost In Translation
Some people wonder how Europeans could have been ignorant of the fact that the United States was outsourcing torture to foreign countries. However, when you actually talk to Europeans, it becomes painfully obvious.
“What, da screamin’ and yellin’, dat stuff?” Pierre LaPierre said. “I t’ought dat was a S&M club next door dere.”
“Oi, ‘ow was I supposed ta bleedin’ know dere was torture goin’ on?” asked John St. John. “The fights the footie yobbos get into sound much worse, innit?”
Did I mention how obvious it was?
SOURCE: The National Whipping Post
Not Your Grandmother’s Conspiracy
ABU MUSAB AL-ZARQAWI: Bush is dropping in the polls again – we must do something.
OSAMA BIN LADEN: Don’t look at me – I just released a tape for the Americans.
ZARQAWI: It was too conciliatory. If you aren’t threatening Jihad all over the place, the American people don’t take you seriously.
BIN LADEN: Perhaps not, but the President said he was taking my threats to attack the United States seriously.
ZARQAWI: After ignoring you for two years, he doesn’t exactly ooze credibility when he says the American people should be afraid of you.
BIN LADEN: Still, it’s too soon. The Americans will get suspicious if I release too many tapes too close together.
ZARQAWI: Mmm… Mahmoud, what about you? Can you do anything?
MAHMOUD AHMADINEJAD: I already told the United States that Iran is planning on going ahead with our plans to build a nuclear reactor –
ZARQAWI, BIN LADEN and AHMADINEJAD: (together) As is the country’s right.
AHMADINEJAD: If the American people aren’t so afraid of a nuclear Iran that they rally around their President, what can I do?
ZARQAWI: (sighs) As usual, it’s up to me to stoke the irrational fears of the American populace. Mark my words: if George Bush becomes so unpopular that he can be forced to remove his troops from Iraq, all of our recruiting efforts will be for nothing! Nothing, I tell you!
SOURCE: Drew’s Transcript-o-rama
Standing On Guard For Thee…From A Safe Distance
If you or I were faced with a situation where we were forced to confront criminals, we would probably call in police officers with big guns. When guards at border stations feared they would be forced to confront criminals heading north from the US, they acted like true Canadians: citing a clause in their union contract that said they didn’t have to face dangerous situations, they fled their posts.
In response, the incoming government of Stephen Harper has decided to call in police officers with big guns…except for the police officer part. Border guards will get their own big guns. This won’t stop danger from approaching them, but when they are running away from their posts in future, they’ll be able to wave their weapons to convince ordinary citizens to get out of their way.
Meanwhile, Prime Minister elect Stephen Harper said at his first press conference that, “We have significant plans for national defence and for defence of our sovereignty, including Arctic sovereignty. We believe we have the mandate for those from the Canadian people and we hope to have it as well from the House of Commons, but it is the Canadian people we get our mandate from, not the ambassador from the United States.” In political hardball, this is known as an “unforced error,” since none of the journalists had actually asked about the Arctic.
A bemused David Wilkins, American ambassador to Canada, responded, “Where’s this coming from? I just asked Stephen if he liked Arctic char.” So, the government that was supposed to mend Canada’s relationship with the US starts, less than a week into its mandate, by poking the US in the eye with a sharp stick. We wonder what internal poll told Prime Minister elect Harper that was a good idea.
SOURCE: Glob and Maul