Thank you, Eilish Limberg, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we wondered if, when you’re putting on your face, you don’t accidentally get an Eilish in your eye. We’re not cruel people by nature, but we laughed so hard we had to sit still until the pain in our chests passed.
Enjoy,The Real Lowdown On A Higher Up
Conrad Black didn’t have a bowel movement yesterday, despite the fact that a court had given him permission to let fly.
“Umm, I don’t mean to sound ungrateful,” one of Black’s lawyers, Edward Greenspon, told a collection of journalists, “I mean, we really are delighted that you are covering Lord Black’s situation so thoroughly. But, well, aren’t you perhaps overdoing it – just a bit?”
The bowel movement was unavailable for comment.
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
While My Qatar Gently Weeps
Uhh, nothing much happening in Qatar, really, I just fell in love with the headline. Really, there’s no story here – I mean, I don’t even know where Qatar is. (Do you? Can somebody please tell me where Qatar is? Anybody?)
Yeah, yeah, I suppose I could use Google Maps, but, well, I had a bad experience with Google Maps when I was a kid – I was searching for the Lost Hippopotamus of Zeus – long story – and, anyway, Google Maps cost me a week and a half, by which time my arch-nemesis Miles Vindaloo had found it, sold it to the British Museum of Very Old Things for an unconscionable sum and written the first eight chapters of his account of his adventures.
But I’m not bitter.
In any case, I’ll be happy to write an actual article if something newsworthy actually happens in Qa – well, actually, come to think of it, I won’t have a headline now that I’ve already used – damn!
SOURCE: The Quick and the Detwiler
What Happened In The Cetaceous Stays In The Cetaceous
The skeleton of the long extinct dodo has been found on the island of Mauritius. “Best we can piece together, it had a head like Alien and a body like Don Knotts,” Kenneth Rijidsdijk, a geologist who has had an opportunity to study the skeleton, explained, adding, “If I was ever tempted to believe in Intelligent Design…well, let’s just say that, after this discovery, I’ll be hitting the Darwin pretty hard…”
SOURCE: Scientific Canadian
Too Much Information, Dude
Major police forces in Canada, including the RCMP, OPP and Toronto’s forces, are among thousands of law enforcement agencies whose private and financial information may have been stolen by a computer hacker. According to John Colbert, head of forensic investigation software firm Guidance Software, “It highlights that intrusions can happen to anybody.”
DUDE! THEY’RE THE POLICE! If they’re not safe from a hacker attack, what chance do I have? Soon as I get home, I’m disconnecting my computer from the Internet! I can always get pirated videos from Chinatown!
SOURCE: Mike’s Ultimate Conspiracy Page
The Start Of A Whole New Genre: Self-hurt Books
When the dust jacket blurbs of a diet book include the claim “This book has been approved by the Department of Homeland Security,” you know you’ve left Oprah and Dr. Phil behind. Way behind.
Lose Weight or Die Trying offers some controversial methods of weight reduction, including being strapped to a chair for several hours a day, rigging the fridge so that it delivers mild electrical shocks – increasing with every infraction – if somebody tries to open it outside of meal times and, of course, liberal thrashings for snacking between meals.
While it’s undeniable that people willing to try these methods will lose weight, it’s also quite likely that the trauma will stay with them for many years.
SOURCE: Unread Book News
Happy Now?
Seven people were shot on Yonge Street in downtown Toronto on Boxing Day, one fatally. As she lay dying, the teenage girl’s last words were, “I’m so glad…I finally live…in a world class city!”
SOURCE: aye Weakly
With A Name Like Wafah, You Know She’s Gonna Go Far
Wafah Dufour, the niece of noted terrorist Osama bin Laden, told GQ magazine that she doesn’t want to be associated with her uncle’s politics. The aspiring singer just wants to be loved.
Although born in California, she obviously doesn’t understand Americans very well, or she would flaunt that connection. Call your band the bin Ladenettes. Come on stage wearing burqas, then slowly strip them off over the course of your first set. Write songs about young lovers being torn apart by IEDs.
Trust me, the American public will eat it up.
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
Or Until You’re Sick Of It
Generic Palestinian/Israeli letters to the editor:
ISRAELI LETTER: Your article on [INSERT LATEST ISRAELI ATROCITY HERE] was one-sided and blatantly unfair. The [INSERT LATEST ISRAELI ATROCITY HERE] was a response to [INSERT LATEST ARAB ATROCITY HERE]. The state of Israel has every right to defend itself.
PALESTINIAN RESPONSE: The letter on [INSERT LATEST ISRAELI ATROCITY HERE] was one-sided and blatantly unfair. The [INSERT LATEST ARAB ATROCITY HERE] which the writer claims was to blame for [INSERT LATEST ISRAELI ATROCITY HERE] was actually itself a response to [INSERT PREVIOUS ISRAELI ATROCITY HERE]. Until Palestinians get their own state in a fair and just settlement, there will be no peace in the Middle East.
Repeat ad nauseam.
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
Set Low Standards So You Aren’t Disappointed When You Don’t Meet Them
For my New Year’s resolution, I promised myself I would stop making fun of Stephen Harper. I’m sure he’s a decent enough fellow who is doing what he thinks is right for the country.
After all, our major cities need a military presence because….because…if Calgary was hit with a dirty suitcase nuke – not that that’s likely to happen – okay, forget that scenario – but, what if Vancouver was hit with deadly anthrax? It could happen. Right? Right? And, if it did, the army would be a great help…handing out vaccines or…or helping sick people make their way to hospitals or…or…
Man, this is harder than I thought. Next New Years, I’m going to resolve to do something easier, like quit smoking!
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles