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7 Questions to Annoy…Stephen Colbert:
1) Are you related to Claudette Colbert?SOURCE: Glob and Maul
Oh, But We Do Mind…
People are calling the trial of Saddam Hussein “Victor’s justice.” Victor’s justice? Just who is the Victor fellow they keep talking about? Is he a good boy? Does he bring his poor mother flowers when he visits her in the home? Or, does he stay out to all hours and worry his poor mother to death? And, just what does this Victor person know about justice, anyway? Is he a lawyer, or has he just seen a lot of episodes of Law and Order, maybe in, like, a boxed set or something? This Victor person has a lot to answer for if you ask – what? What? WHAT? That’s victor as in winner, not Victor the name? Oh. That’s…different. Worse. But different.
Never mind.
SOURCE: The Emily Litella Remembered Page
The English Language Begs To Differ
According to American President George W. Bush, “We do not torture.” A couple of hours after his announcement, five more American soldiers were charged with abusing Iraqi detainees. “Much,” he was forced to add. “We do not torture…much.”
It’s the Wayne’s World approach to global diplomacy…not!
At the same time as he denies the US conducts torture, the President has also said he will veto any bill that forbids the Central Intelligence Agency from using torture if the Agency deems it necessary. According to White House spokesweasel Scott McClellan, this is not a contradiction, it is a “flexible posture.” Yeah, sure. Isn’t flexible posture position 27 in the Kama Sutra?
Meanwhile, some Democrats expect President Bush or one of his minions to admit that they misled the American public about the reason for invading Iraq. Are they serious? Republicans still argue that Joseph McCarthy was a hell of a guy for cleaning all the communists out of government! You’re more likely to get Satan to admit: “trying to overthrow Heaven? Not such a good idea,” than you are to get a Republican to admit that one of their Presidents made a mistake.
SOURCE: The Day To Day Show, with Jon Tudor
There’s An Image That’s Gonna Stay With Me
Protests outside venues where The Vagina Monologues is playing are nothing new. But, you had to know that an all-male version of Eve Ensler’s groundbreaking play would be especially controversial.
“Apparently, a lot of people are afraid of the power of a woman’s vagina,” commented actor Lance Ferlenghetti. “However, I consulted my vagina, and it told me that an all-male cast was the right thing to do.”
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
Finally, The Police Are At Fault
To spur negotiations on a new contract with the city, Toronto police protested at Nathan Phillips Square, some in full uniform with their firearms. In response, civilians on horseback rode into the group of peaceful police officers, scattering them. When it appeared that the police were going to defend themselves against civilians in full riot gear who were on foot, they released tear gas to incapacitate the officers.
“Man, this feels good!” enthused Enrico Vermicelli as he beat an unarmed police officer with a nightstick. “No wonder the cops break up rallies every chance they get!”
SOURCE: aye Weekly
Pope My Ride
A car that once belonged to Pope John Paul II was sold at auction for $700,000. No word on how much it’s going to cost to clean the interior to get that holy car smell out of the upholstery.
SOURCE: Unicycle
Bullet Points That Kill
The riots of racial minorities in France have prompted the Canadian press to ask the question, “Could it happen here?” As usual, the responses of the major Canadian newspapers to this question are instructive. According to the Toronto Star, it couldn’t happen because of Liberal policies on multiculturalism. According to the Globe and Mail, it’s likely to happen here despite Liberal policies on multiculturalism. According to the Sun, it’s already happened here because of Liberal policies on multiculturalism, and if Canadians don’t throw the Liberal bums out of Ottawa, it’s going to happen again! And, according to the National Post, Jean Chretien should never have forced Conrad Black to choose to give up his Canadian citizenship.
Kenneth Whyte, former editor of The National Post is taking over as editor-in-chief and publisher of Maclean’s. It’s an obvious case of a rat leaving a sinking ship…to board another sinking ship.
SOURCE: Wryerson Journalism Review
Sartre With A Spittoon
President Bush is now requiring officials in the White House to take ethics training classes. You may think this would be a hard thing to sell, considering that the White House is not admitting that any of its officials has had an ethical lapse, but the President was game. At the official announcement of the policy, he explained: “We want everybody in the White House to learn about ethics so they don’t do again what they haven’t done before.”
Say what you want about the President, but he does appear to have a firm grasp of the absurdity of human existence.
SOURCE: Cleveland Wheeler Dealer
Friends Don’t Let Friends Pad Their Features
For his new movie Just Friends, Ryan Reynolds had to undergo hours of makeup to make him appear as though he was 100 pounds heavier than he actually is. That’s just not right. Reynolds doesn’t have the talent to make a fool of himself under 20 pounds of latex – he just hasn’t earned it!
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now, Canada!