Thank you, Brock Kent And A Player To Be Named Later, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, an old jai alai injury flared up, and we were in more pain than we had been since the last time we were forced to watch Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me.
Enjoy,Great Moments In Canadian Journalism
On the front page of The National Post, David Frum argued that the indictment of Lewis Libby was actually a good thing for the Bush administration. Man, if we could only get a turbine next to his mother Barbara’s grave, her spinning could supply enough electricity to meet all of Ontario’s energy needs for generations to come!
The Toronto Star gave a laurel to Owl Puke, a toy made of a sterilized owl shit that children pick apart to discover what a bird has eaten, arguing that, “It’s educational, cheap and not as gross as you’d think.” Clearly, they have no idea how gross I can think.
SOURCE: Wryerson Journalism Review
That Warm Feeling Inside Is A Tapeworm
Canada has reached “full” employment on the news that the jobless rate is down to 6.6 per cent, its lowest in 30 years. Of course, this is full in the same way that a bottle of rum with a glass already drunk out of it is full, or the way the Air Canada Centre is full when nobody is sitting in the reds, but why quibble with such good news?
Because quibbling with good news is what economists do. They’re worried that decreased competition for wages will push inflation up. Way up. Jolly Green Giant way up. So, when you lose your new job, don’t complain: you’re actually making life better for moneylenders, since inflation won’t be eating away at their profits.
Gives you a warm, fuzzy feeling inside, doesn’t it?
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
Patriotism On A Sliding Scale
Gomery! Softwood lumber! TV movies about Wayne Gretzky’s dad! All in all, it’s been an exciting week in Canada. What does all of this mean for Confederation? Who wants to stay and who wants to leave this week? Below, we tour the nation, province by province, ranking their desire to destroy Canada on a scale of one to 10.
Prince Edward Island: Anne Shirley keeps da tourists comin’, so I guess we’re doin’ okay. (2/10)
Nova Scotia: Where did the lobster go? Where the hell did all of the lobster go? Dammit, it’s the federal government’s fault! If those bastards in Ottawa had been on the ball, they would have kept us from overfishing! (5/10)
New Brunswick: Besmorgis? Is that the best you can do – a bucketful of besmorgis? Fucking Ottawa! (9/10)
Newfoundland: Joey Smallwood was a great man, but this Confederation thing, it was a bad idea, don’t you know? We guess. (4/10)
Quebec: How dare you run such an inept bit of corruption in our province! Over the decades, we have perfected corruption, and if you’re going to practice it in Quebec, you better be good at it! Nationalism takes a big hit. (8/10)
Ontario: There’s a democratic deficit in this country, and we’re not talking about Alberta not getting its way! We’re talking $24 million that goes to Ottawa, where they use it to get kickbacks from corrupt advertising firms. Come on! You think Ontario politicians couldn’t use kickbacks? We’re getting angry. And, you wouldn’t like us when we’re angry… (7/10)
Manitoba: So, is our beef allowed into the States yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Cattle farmers have a right to make a living, too, you know. Now? Now? How about…now…? (4/10)
Saskatchewan: Which do we hate more: Toronto or Ottawa? Ottawa takes our taxes to feed corrupt ad executives. Toronto, on the other hand, is Toronto. Ottawa? Toronto? Toronto? Ottawa? You have a lot of time to think of things like this when you live on the Prairies… (3/10)
Alberta: There! We told you! Liberals bad! We’re going to wait and see, but if the Liberal Party isn’t obliterated in the next election, we’re getting nukes and building a wall! (6/10)
British Columbia: Da Vinci’s City Hall is pulling in good numbers, so we’re happy. (2/10)
SOURCE: Canada: Still A Country?
I Think, Therefore Iran
infinity -1) Why is the American press parroting the Bush administration’s line that Iran is developing nuclear weapons?SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah – Oh!
So, there I am, sitting in the waiting room of my doctor’s office. I leaf through an issue of Maclean’s that was old when Trudeau was Prime Minister. I look at the notice on the window of the nurse’s station that says you won’t be looked at if you don’t bring your OHIP card to every visit. I’ve been coming here for 27 and a half years; I hope they would know me by now. Still, rules are rules. They made me go home last time I was here and get my card. So much for 27 and a half years of loyalty. People are moving around in the nurse’s station, a nice change from the waiting room, where a man who looks like he was old when Trudeau was Prime Minister and a little girl and I sit. I try not to look at the little girl, who is trying not to look at the old man, who is trying not to look at the nurse. She’s not exactly pretty, the nurse, but she sure is the prettiest thing in that room at that moment. The wallpaper is beige.
When I finally get to see him, my doctor – whose name is Phil – tells me I have an inoperable brain tumour.
I, uhh, may not be updating the site for a while.
SOURCE: Boredom Blog