the country does something the United States doesn’t likeThank you, Ho Lingbao, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then – oh, look. We…we’re going through Peter Mansbridge withdrawal at the moment. We’re sure you understand.
Enjoy,I’m Committed To Cocoa Puffs – And I Don’t Care Who Knows It!
Under pressure from people who hate…well, we’re really not sure what, Paul Martin’s choice for Governor General Michealle Jean has made a public statement declaring her loyalty to Canada. While this action was sure to warm the hearts of every Canadian who has ever had McCarthy-envy, I can’t help but wonder: why stop with Jean? There are any number of Canadians who should be publicly stating their loyalty to this country.
They include:
Stephen “When It Comes To Working With Separatists, I’m Okay, You’re A Traitor” Harper
Ralph “Hay, Kids! I’ve Got Some Bricks, Timmy’s Got Some Mortar, Let’s Build A Firewall Around Alberta” Klein
Margaret “Don’t Ask Me Why I Left The States, Just Accept That I’m Against Everything Your Country Stands For” Wente
Preston “Public Health Care Will Be Perfect When It Is Private Health Care” Manning
I expect to see front page coverage in the Globe and Mail any day, now. Any day…
SOURCE: The Quick and the Detwiler
Not A Stand Up Kind Of Guy
A guy walks into a talent agent’s office and says, “Have I got an act for you!”
“Yeah?” the talent agent asks. “What do they do?”
“All sorts of vile sexual and scatological things!”
“Un hunh. And what’s the act called?”
“The Aristocrats!”
Yeah. I know. This is why I don’t do stand up.
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
Don’t Even Bother Waiting To See Them On Cable
Stealth: Nope. I can still see it.
My Date With Drew: A blank.
The Great Raid: The empty fridge.
Must Love Dogs: To love this movie.
Four Brothers: Oh, brother(s)!
Bad News Bears: Bad news bull.
Fantastic Four: Three short of fantastic.
SOURCE: Five Second Movie Reviews
Well, Shoot…NO, I DIDN’T MEAN…!
According to the Globe and Mail, American guns smuggled into Canada are not in any way responsible for gunfire in Toronto because only 318 guns were intercepted at the border. It apparently hasn’t occurred to them that the low number of guns stopped at the border is actually the problem!
Meanwhile, Ontario is ponying up funds for another 1,000 police officers for Toronto. Of course, if they really wanted to ensure citizen safety, they would put a police officer on every street corner in the...
Oh.
SOURCE: aye Weakly
Fly The Unfriendly Skies
Small knives, bows and arrows, ice picks and possibly even box cutters will be allowed on planes in the United States if the Transportation Security Administration is successful in its efforts to make air travel more “customer friendly.”
I can understand why a passenger might need a bow and arrows: if you don’t like airline food, having them gives you the option of killing a passing deer. And, when you do, you’ll need a small knife to skin it. I can even understand allowing ice picks. If you don’t like the in-flight movie, you can always pass the time by killing Leon Trotsky.
But, people, box cutters? Aren’t they what got us into trouble in the first place?
SOURCE: The Day To Day Show, with Jon Tudor
No, Really, We’re Sure It’s A…An Honour…An Honour To – Hee Hee Hee Hee Ha Ha
David Wilkins, the American ambassador to Canada, and his family gave $33,050 to Republican candidates. Imagine how much money he would have had to donate to the Party not to be chosen American ambassador to Canada.
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
Must Pee TV
12pm. CBC. King of Kensington marathon begins.
1pm. CBC. King of Kensington marathon continues.
2pm. CBC. King of Kensington marathon ends.
3pm. CBC. Canadian Antiques Road Show.
4pm. CBC. American Antiques Road Show.
5pm. CBC. Ukrainian Antiques Road Show.
6pm. CBC. News. The hour is taken up primarily with a CBC executive you’ve never heard of explaining why it is necessary to undermine the Canadian Media Guild by increasing the number of contract employees, who don’t get full union benefits. Oh, and a cute dog.
7pm. Street Legal marathon begins.
8pm. Street Legal marathon continues.
9pm. Street Legal marathon ends.
10pm. CBC. The National. The CBC Executive is back to explain why union busting at the public broadcaster is actually good for Canada. Oh, and the cute dog is run over by a freight train.
11pm. Close Raiders of the Third Ark. Big Hollywood movie. As if you didn’t know.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
The Cruelest Cut
What a world we live in! When a doctor takes up a scalpel to perform unnecessary surgery on a woman’s vagina in Africa or the Middle East (included newly liberated Iraq), it’s called “genital mutilation.” If the same doctor uses the same scalpel (sterilized, of course) on an American woman, it’s called, “elective cosmetic surgery!”
SOURCE: Womyn’s e-Vents
Still Not Too Late To Embarrass Yourself, And Yet…
Where Iran is on the Middle East invasion timeline:
the country does something the United States doesn’t like
American politicians publicly warn the country that it should not continue down the path it has started to go
the President and key members of the administration start making threatening noises
YOU ARE HERE: the President stops making threatening noises, claiming that, while he is concerned, he has made no decision on a course of action; while he is saying this, the Pentagon is frantically drawing up invasion plans
the United States twists the arms of and offers bribes to other countries to support its invasion, which it is still publicly denying it is planning
the invasion, featuring a coalition of the weak and the bought, begins, among much rhetoric that it will be easy and that the people will welcome the American invaders with a shower of flowers
the invasion is effectively over in 38 minutes, the Americans having reached their objectives; the President declares victory
the country is subjected to guerrilla attacks for the next four years, with a constant dripping of American deaths and woundings
the American public, having had enough, demands that their troops be withdrawn from the country
several years and untold unnecessary deaths and mutilations later, the US pulls its troops out of the country, claiming victory while leaving a civil war behind
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
