Thank you, Abie Ellieff, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, somebody put Massive Attack on the office boombox. We woke up from our trance several hours later with no recollection of what happened, but the sneaking suspicion that we would be a little embarrassed if we did know.
Enjoy,Terrorists 53, Police 1
In an effort to win a berth on Britain's team for the 2008 Police Brutality Summer Olympics, the London police have killed their first innocent man. After a chase through the subway, four officers held down Jean Charles de Menezes while a fifth shot him in the head five…no, wait, make that eight times. The London team is obviously trying to qualify for the 500 Yard Chase, Tackle and Shoot event.
de Menezes first came under suspicion because he lived in an apartment block that was already under surveillance, making him guilty of living in the wrong area. He attracted further attention because he was wearing a padded jacket in the summer, making him guilty of having a bad fashion sense. In addition, he jumped a turnstile; in order to boost their bid to get into the Police Brutality Olympics, the London officers have now made cheapness a de facto killing offense.
While a single shooting death is perhaps not as impressive when compared with the statistics for Team Guatemala or Team China, and the London officers get points taken off for not being in uniform, the war on international terror has given the plucky British team incentive to bring their game up a notch. "Somebody else could be shot," said Police Commissioner Sir Ian Blair. Although perhaps a longshot for 2008, we shouldn't count Team London out just yet.
SOURCE: The Schwartz Sports Report
Faith Based Silliness
Q: Why is the Conservative Party languishing at only 27% in the polls?
A: Stephen Harper has shown poor leadership skills.
Q: So, it doesn't have anything to do with the fact that the Conservatives are against same sex marriage when a majority of Canadians are for it?
A: No. Stephen Harper looks goofy in a cowboy suit.
Q: Are you sure it has nothing to do with the Conservative Party's close ties to the United States, it's support for the Iraq war and its aggressive position on national security?
A: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Stephen Harper is stiff and unfriendly in public.
Q: Mmmmmmaybe. Still, don't you think that the Conservatives' willingness to flirt with two tier health care when a majority of Canadians wants the current system strengthened might have something to do with –
A: Oh, for goodness' sake, get the cotton out of your ears! The Conservative Party is faring poorly because Stephen Harper is a stiff! A public disaster! He's horrible on television and only marginally better in person! How many different ways do we have to say it? Stephen Harper! Stephen Harper! Stephen Harper!
Other than that, we have total faith in our leader.
SOURCE: Conservative Party of Canada
True: Many Nations Would Give Them Medals
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
Must Spew TV
7:30 pm. ABC. Wheel of Torture. Shifty-eyed swarthy people compete to see who will be deported to their home countries, as required by international law, who will be deported to countries that employ torture, in contravention of international law, and who will be deported to Tierra del Fuego, in contravention of common sense.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
Baby Steps Lead To…More Baby Steps
Bowing to international (read: American) pressure, China has announced that it will be reevaluating its currency against a basket of international currencies. Although the country hasn’t made a final decision about which currencies it will use, speculation is that Canadian Tire money and the pine cones used by Polynesian tribes are high on the list.
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
By and For Tony
The London subway is on fireSOURCE: Poetry, Cornered
Another Sign Of The Apocalypse
Patrick Buchanan wrote an article that argued that terrorists have political reasons for killing innocent people, and that denying this reality has made the world less – not more – safe. You know America is in trouble when Pat Buchanan emerges as a voice of reason.
SOURCE: USA Whenever
Exotic Locales Like…Cleveland
Are you part of a species whose numbers are dwindling, a species which may, in fact, soon be extinct? Wish you would fall under the Endangered Species Act, but, according to a decision by Supreme Court nominee John Roberts, you don’t because your entire population only lives in a single state? Maybe you’ve just wanted to get away for a few days?
Well, now you can!
Endangered Species Travel offers reasonable rates on the travel needs for all American species on the verge of extinction. We will match your destination habitat to your home habitat, with an especially keen eye on predators, to ensure that your trip is a safe one. Or, if you prefer a little excitement, we can book you on a customized adventure tour to exotic and dangerous locales.
So, the next time you’re facing a decimated population or just want to get away for a weekend, think Endangered Species Travel for all your travel needs, and have a safe trip (and future).
SOURCE: Endangered Species Travel