Thank you, Terry Acceptable, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Unfortunately, we got into one of those water cooler debates about whose writing on Karla Homolka's impending release from prison was more tawdry and pandering: the Globe's Christie Blatchford or the Star's Rosie DiManno. Six hours later, we realized we were well past deadline.
Enjoy,Government Sanctioned Body Fluid Humour
The Pentagon has announced that urine was splashed on a Koran in the Guantanamo Bay prison. This should put the final nail in the coffin of the scurrilously erroneous Newsweek report on the desecration of Islam's holiest book. According to the Newsweek article, the Koran was brought to the toilet; in reality, the toilet was brought to the Koran.
Meanwhile, President Bush said nobody should take Amnesty International's accusations of widespread abuse at America's enforced resorts for swarthy people seriously because they were based on the testimony of people who hate America. That is to say, innocent people who had been abused in places like Guantanamo Bay.
Thus, the circle is complete.
SOURCE: The Day To Day Show, with Jon Tudor
And, Speaking Of Tortured Logic
A memo shows that CSIS, Canada's civilian spy agency, wanted Maher Arar kept in Syria, where he was tortured, because, "There [was] not sufficient evidence against Arar for him to be charged with anything in Canada."
By this logic, 27 million Canadians are at risk of being deported to countries where they will be tortured. The government probably has a plan to evacuate these citizens from the country in oil tankers leased from Prime Minister Paul Martin's former shipping company. If implemented, the plan will reduce Canada to a sad parody of the film Escape From New York, but, I suppose, this will make a welcome change from the country being a sad parody of Revenge of the Nerds.
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
Z-Boys Will Be Z-Boys
Z-Boys on Mars. The legendary skateboarders discover a gnarly new way to be cool in low intensity gravity. Sequel to Dogtown Must Die, a sequel to Bring Me the Head of Dogtown, a sequel to Z-Boys Collect Social Security, a sequel to Lords of Dogtown, a sort of fictional remake of Z-Boys and Dogtown.
SOURCE: Imaginary Movie Database
She's A Smart Cookie
Drug regulators are investigating reports of vision loss in a small number of Viagra users just two months after researchers warned this might be a permanent side effect of the drug. I guess my mother was right: if you do it, you will go blind!
SOURCE: High Times and Misdemeanors
Some People Never Learn
A Connecticut judge has ruled that claims by Gillette Co. that its M3Power razor raises hair up and away from skin are "unsubstantiated and inaccurate." This has sent shock waves through the advertising industry, for which unsubstantiated and inaccurate claims are the bread and butter, taught in all Intro to Advertising courses.
What's next? Beer companies being sued by people who drank their product and didn't get laid? Car companies being found guilty of false advertising because people who drove their product didn't lead more exciting lives because they weren't professional drivers on a restricted course...and, thus, didn't get laid? Toothpaste company ad executives going to jail because people who brushed their teeth with their product didn't undergo a radical lifestyle change because of it, and particularly didn't get laid?
No wonder the advertising industry is scared.
Meanwhile, in an effort to salvage its product, Gillette has announced that its razor will soon be marketed as a high tech potato peeler. The M3Power peeler will raise the peel up and away from the potato for easier removal. Not that the company is expecting trouble, but rumour has it that they have put their lawyers on danger pay.
SOURCE: Ad Meek
What Are You, Menta - Oh, Yeah...
Drug Manufacturer Regulation Disorder. Symptoms: stubborn, irrational belief that suing drug companies without changing the environment in which they operate will prevent the inflating of drug prices, offering rebates to distributors or marketing drugs for unapproved uses or other illegal practices. Cure: take two hefty campaign contributions and don't call the doctor in the morning.
SOURCE: Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition (DSM-IV)
not available online
The Tape Space Race Heats Up
The Conservative Party has released tapes made by Gurmant Grewel in which he discusses with Tim Murphy the possibility of joining the Liberal Party. Oddly, although they had originally announced that Grewal had four hours worth of material, the released tapes are only around two hours long.
In your face, Richard Nixon! You thought an 18 minute gap in an audio recording was bad? Try two hours, sucker! Suuuuckeeeer! Finally, here is something that Canada unambiguously beats the United States at. Who's your daddy now, eh?
SOURCE: Toronto Stunned
Mister Manley's Neighbourhood Watch
"Hello boys and girls. Welcome to Mister Manley's neighburhood. Today, I'd like to talk about sharing. You know, when you have a favourite toy, you want to keep it to yourself so you can play with it all the time. But, that's not fair to the other children, who might get great enjoyment out of playing with your toy. Not only that, but it's self-defeating. Can you say self-defeating? I knew that you could. Why is it self-defeating? Because if you don't share your toys with other children, they won't want to share their toys with you, and you may miss out on a playtime experience that you would really enjoy.
"Information sharing is sort of like that. If we have information that we think our American friends might enjoy, we should give it to them, because that's fair. They...don't seem to have learned the lesson of sharing, so they don't let us have their information. And, they seem to break our toys when we do share with them, or, at least, the people the information we share with them is about. That doesn't seem nice, does it, boys and girls? No, that doesn't seem nice at all.
"Still, sharing is good in principle, so, whether it's toys or information, we all should do it more."
SOURCE: Drew's Transcript-o-rama