Thank you, Orlando Cepulchra, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. I really loved that lemur, man. Oh, why, why won't anybody tell me what's happened to my lemur?
Enjoy,As part of its deal to gain the support of the New Democratic Party, the Liberal Party has had to scale back its planned corporate tax cuts. Reaction from the business community was swift: "This will kill part of my executive compensation package!" it complained, adding: "I'm not playing with the Liberal Party any more - it's not my friend!"
Right wing pundits have argued that the deal signals the end of Paul Martin's fiscal prudence. Are they for real? The same people who have found excuses for George W. Bush's gazillion dollar budget deficit are reaming out the Liberals for spending a budget surplus on social programmes instead of tax cuts? You know, if I didn't know any better, I might begin to think that the business press is biased against the Liberals...
SOURCE: Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
Saving The World One Infidel At A Time
Pope Benedict xXx: State of the Religion. The new Pope kicks ass and takes names in his attempt to save the world from radical secularism. "It was the most excitement I had in a movie theatre while I was watching it!" raved Jeff Gannon.
SOURCE: Imaginary Movie Database
American investigators have found that troops who shot dead an Italian agent after he secured the release of an Italian journalist who was being held hostage in Iraq were following standard operating procedure and, therefore, did nothing wrong. What is standard operating procedure for a soldier in Iraq?
1. Shoot first.
2. Answer questions later.
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
Thanks, Frank, But Jokes About Choking Entrepreneurs Are Too Easy
According to Magna Chairman Frank Stronach, an overreaction to corporate scandals has caused new governance rules that are "choking entrepreneurs." If they're not being paid handsomely to look the other way while management rapes companies, what will these champions of industry do?
Malcolm McLeary will give up his $175,000 a year position on the Board of Chickens & Charlie, a wholly owned subsidiary of MultiNatCorp, in order to "devote my life to writing concrete poetry."
Marjorie Kilgallen will immediately resign her position on the Board of Genuflex, Inc., a wholly owned subsidiary of MultiNatCorp, giving up monthly trips to Paris on the company's jet so that she can pursue her first love, acrylic sculpture.
Franklin Lloyd Wong will become a beach bum. "Sure, I'll miss the $250,000 honourarium I would have gotten by being a member of Anthrax Corporation's [a wholly owned subsidiary of MultiNatCorp] Board of Directors, but it will work wonders for my tan!" Wong enthusiastically sobbed.
What a waste!
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
Mexico Is Always The Last To Know
United States President George W. Bush has broken the heart of Mexican President Vicente Fox by being photographed walking hand in hand with Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah. "I thought we had something special, something real," Fox blubbered, "but, obviously, I was wrong."
"Of course, Vicente and I are very close," President Bush replied, "but we never had an exclusive commitment. I made it clear to him that I would see other world leaders, and I thought he was okay with that."
"George just doesn't get it," Fox continued. "I've been here for him with cheap labour and poisoned working conditions and low effective tax rates. Prince Abdullah - he just wants to use George to get at his petrodollars. It will never last!" When asked if he would be there for President Bush if his relationship with Prince Abdullah turned sour, Fox sighed wistfully and said, "I could never resist his Texas charm..."
SOURCE: Teen Persons
Because Jack Valenti Works For The MPAA, Not The FAA
MONDAY: Given their current gun laws, the only way the 10 commandments are going to keep American schoolchildren from dying from gunshot wounds is if they are sown into the children's Kevlar vests.
TUESDAY: I like kittens.
WEDNESDAY: Kelly Catrera is cuter in person than she sounds on radio.
THURSDAY: They check your bags. They pat you down. They use the magic wand to detect any metal on your person. They confiscate all video cell phones and cameras. Why is it that movie theatres seem to have better security than airports?
FRIDAY: I know it's hard to believe, but this is only the 137th anniversary of the creation of modern chewing gum. Buy some Double Bubble to celebrate.
SATURDAY: Lunch is easy. Comedy is hard.
SUNDAY: Why is it that those who are the most vocally opposed to scientific Darwinism are the most ardent supporters of social Darwinism?
SOURCE: Random Thoughts and Blood Clots Home Page
This Headline Opposes A Previous Headline That Mocked A Headline That Came Before It
British artist Mark McGowan has admitted that his apology to people who were offended by his statement that he had keyed 40 people's cars as a public performance was calculated to gain him additional publicity. "As I said in my retraction, I didn't actually perform the keying, but, if I had, I would not have shown the remorse I claimed. So, you could say that I'm retracting my retraction of the original announcement."
McGowan assured the press that this was his final statement on the matter. But, critics believe that, in order to be logically consistent, he will have to retract the retraction of his original retraction. Of course, at that point even the three or four academics who enjoy postmodern self-negation will have stopped paying any attention...
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
For The Pol tic a Who Ha Ever thi
Price: $500,000
Time Left: 43 daysQuantity: 6
History: Okay, so you're now in power. Let's face it: you or somebody who works with you will be tempted to use this power to do naughty things. It's inevitable. It's human nature. You can no more fight the temptation to do naughty things than you can...uhh, do something that it's not in your nature to do.
Perhaps you will get away with it. It happens. More likely, though, you will be caught. In the past, a pol who had been caught doing something naughty could deny, deny, deny. Not only did the public have some modicum of respect for politicians, but so did the press. Good times, now, sadly, long gone.
Today, a politician caught doing naughty things must promise to hold hearings into allegations that the politician has been doing naughty things. This shows the public that the politician hasn't been doing naughty things, because what politician in his right mind would hold hearings into his doing of naughty things if he had actually done naughty things?
But, won't the hearings into allegations of naughty behaviour actually find naughty behaviour? Not if you buy the Political Scandal Whitewash Kit. Properly employed, the PSWK will give the public the impression that you are against naughty behaviour while completely exonerating you of the naughty behaviour you engage in.
It's a politician's dream.
Item Location: Washington, DC
Description: Political Scandal Whitewash Kit (PSWK)
Pieces include:
Good for:
SOURCE: ehBay
Call It A "Chop Off Their Head" Tax
Those who support the Liberal Party argue that the amount of money spent in the corruption scandal is a small part of any Canadian's tax bill, and that the Conservatives were just as corrupt, if not moreso, when they were in power. While this is true, it doesn't really help me to decide how angry I should be with the Liberals.
What I would like to see is a tax dedicated to political graft, a corruption tax. If we had that, the parties in Ottawa could debate the proper level of corruption, offering a lower effective corruption tax rate than their opponents. And, woe betide the party that reneged on that promise! (Although, if any election promise was likely to be gone back on, it would be this one.)
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
