Thank you, Miguelito Croft for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we emailed Kyle MacLachan through his Web site for his opinion, but he didn't respond. Then, we instant messaged Ben Stein, but either he doesn't have a computer or he was too busy counting his money to respond. Then, we tried to reach Marlon Brando on his cell phone, but he was still dead. Up against the deadline, we had our interns stare at printouts of the potential articles until they keeled over, and chose the ones closest to where their noses landed.
Enjoy,Top Nine Reasons the US is Pissed the Philippine Government is Withdrawing its Troops From Iraq:
9. Their withdrawal will send a comforting message to terrorists (as opposed to their ongoing presence, which gives terrorists both a reason for their actions and a target).SOURCE: Late Tonight with David Lenoman
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Toronto Mayor David Miller is considering his options after a cartoon in The Toronto Sun compared him to Adolph Hitler.
One person who is not taking the cartoon lying down is Hitler himself. On a direct line from Hades, he explained: "I invaded other countries in an attempt to rule the world - over10 million people died in the war that followed. I was responsible for the deaths of six million Jews in an attempt to wipe the entire religion off the face of the earth. I was bad. This David Miller - what did he do? Stop a vote on an issue that wasn't even in City Council's jurisdiction? This sort of cartoon is an insult to dictators everywhere!" Hitler said he was considering suing the newspaper for libel - "There are certainly enough lawyers down here!" - if it doesn't apologize to him.
Benito Mussolini and Caligula offered to be character witnesses. "If we don't take a stand against the trivialization of evil here," Caligula explained, "some day, all our efforts may mean nothing to people."
SOURCE: Wryerson Journalism Review
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There are some things you can postpone in life. A trip to the dentist's office. Buying that cute little purse. Telling your sexual partner how you got the genital warts. Then, there are the things you can't postpone.
Like elections.
Listen up, fascist asshole. Third world dictators put off elections. Democratic leaders know they have to hold elections even in times of war, terrorism or The Contender. You don't like it, go take over Bolivia.
SOURCE: Listen Up, Asshole
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You thought you loved each other. You were wrong. You tied the knot, now you want to cut it - with extreme prejudice. But, since gays and lesbians have only started getting married, bad divorces are (ahem) virgin territory for you. In the spirit of hostility and confusion which accompanies most divorces, we would like to offer the following tips on how to make your divorce truly excruciating for all parties:
SOURCE: Yellow Triangle Blues
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Urban Equipment of Canada is proposing to put 2,500 new trash bins in Toronto. They are seven feet tall and will contain advertising on both sides. "They're a little thin, but one could get used to living in them" said urban street living expert T. Herbert Frump. "You'd have to remove the actual bins, of course, and you might have to learn to live with garbage being dumped on your head. On the other hand, you could earn money from the recyclables dumped on you, and how many homed people have that luxury?"
SOURCE: aye Weakly
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The Truth Shall Set You France...
With official reports from the United States and Britain showing conclusively that Iraq never had weapons of mass destruction or ties to Al Qaeda and 9/11, it should now be apparent that France was right not to join America's war of choice. Will "freedom fighters" now be known as "France fighters?" Will "freedom of association" be changed to "France of association?" Instead if "Free to be me," will we have to call the anti-drug campaign "France to be me?"
The mind truly boggles.
President Bush, defending the war, said that the problem was an intelligence failure, and that before the war everybody believed Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction. Except UN weapons inspector Hans Blix. And, not including international nuclear arms inspectors. Oh, and, of course, not the hundreds of thousands of civilians who protested against the war before it started, or the billions of people represented by countries that declined to participate. So, "everyone" in this instance means "members of my cabinet and the pundits in the media echo chamber."
Remember when being creative with the English language was the primary activity of writers, not politicians? Right - neither can I.
Case in point: at least eight of the 19 September 11 hijackers moved through Iran without getting their passports stamped, making it more difficult to trace their movement. However, according to acting CIA Director John McLaughlin, there will be no military action against Iran because "we have no evidence that there is some sort of official connection between Iran and 9/11." As if that stopped the US before...
SOURCE: Saturday Night, Fevered
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