What the Heck Do You Know? Life in Ontario
Hmm...maybe international politics is not your thing. What do they say - all politics is local? (They've obviously never negotiated an international arms reduction agreement, but, then, that's just like They, isn't it?) Perhaps you will do better with a quiz that hits closer to home (at least, until the government bans violent metaphorical figures of speech).
Feel free to answer the following questions about you, your neighbours and the provincial spying organizations that tie you all together. But, whatever you do, don't send completed quizzes to us - we're still working on Bob Rae's reelection campaign.
1) How much will Ontario's cap on energy prices cost the province?
a) How high is up?
b) More than a Blue Jays cap at Skydome.
c) If you have to ask, you can't afford it.
2) Premier Ernie Eves introduces a commercial about how wonderful Toronto is for tourists, a commercial intended to quell foreigners' fear of SARS. Why?
a) To assuage his guilt for the damage the Conservative Party has done to the city in the past eight years.
b) His discomfort speaking publicly has been mistaken by his handlers as being "folksy."
c) It's the election, stupid.
3) The Ontario government was shocked - shocked, I tell you! - to find that almost half the nurses in Ontario hold two part-time jobs, potentially lowering the quality of health care in the province, especially during the SARS crisis. What will it do about this problem?
a) Buy Health Minister Tony Clement, who claims he was unaware of the problem, a subscription to the Toronto Star, which has regularly reported on it.
b) Make it illegal to get sick in the province.
c) Create advertising telling Ontarians how much the Tories have improved health care in the province.
d) FOR GOD'S SAKE, PUT SOME MONEY BACK INTO THE SYSTEM, YOU BLOOD SUCKING LEECHES, SO THAT WE CAN AFFORD MORE FULL TIME NURSES!
4) How's Ernie doin'?
a) People wanted a clone of Mike Harris, they got a clone of Howard the Duck.
b) He flip flops so often, he's beginning to look like Janus.
c) How do I know? I'm too busy staining the deck of my cottage...
5) During a heated debate, Tory MPP John O'Toole raised his middle finger. Afterwards, he claimed it was not an obscene gesture. What was it?
a) His unique way of picking - sorry, scratching his nose.
b) He was offering his colleagues a place to spike Order Papers for Private Members' Bills they didn't like.
c) He was demonstrating a new disease - rigor digitalus - which he is certain the province's cutbacks to medical research funding will help find a cure for.
6) The prosecution of anti-poverty activists for inciting violence at a rally ended in a mistrial. Should the province spend another estimated $1 million to try them again?
a) Yes, as long as the money is taken from the budget for the government's smarmy, misleading, self-congratulaTory ad campaign.
b) No - OCAP trials have been conclusively shown to cause migraines in laboratory rats...not to mention jurors.
c) Yes, because if the government can't eradicate poverty, eradicating poverty activists is the next best thing.
d) No. The government has more important criminal miscreants to go after - like Toronto's litterbugs.
7) What would be a stupider location for the provincial government to unveil its budget than a Magna auto parts plant?
a) The bottom of Lake Ontario.
b) The Dark Side of the Moon.
c) The back of a Hooters.
d) The Lebanon.
e) John Snobelen's ranch in the Oklahoma.
f) This is a trick question - there is no stupider location than a Magna auto parts plant.
8) Does Dalton McGuinty really look like Howdy Doody?
a) Yes.
b) Yes.
c) Lord, yes.
9) Mike Myers told Tonight Show guest host Katie Couric that Toronto was a safe place to visit, that tourists shouldn't worry about SARS, which was completely under control. What would a reasonable reaction to this be?
a) I won't believe it until I hear Jim Carrey say it on the Tonight Show.
b) He would have been more credible if he hadn't made So I Married An Axe Murderer. I mean, how many Austin Powers sequels does he plan on churning out?
c) Well, I guess it's okay, as long as he doesn't go on to explain how today's weather disruptions can be traced back to ozone depletion caused by carbon emissions from motor vehicle exhaust.
10) Toronto mayoral candidate Tom Jakobek has admitted lying about going on a hockey junket to Philadelphia paid for by a company wanting to sell computers to the city. He was the city's budget chief at the time. The company got the $43 million contract, which magically ballooned to $80 million when nobody was looking. Would you vote for this man?
a) In a second! Anybody who could maintain a lie for as long as he did has more on the ball than the current mayor!
b) Absolutely! Since the money for my meds was cut off by the province, I've happily engaged in all sorts of self-destructive behaviour! Wanna see me razor scars?
c) Definitely! He has an intelligence quotient of 142, even if his integrity quotient is in negative numbers.
d) There's a mayoral election? GROAN! I'll vote for him if he promises not to pay for any TV commercials and agree to generally stay out of the media.
11) An order-in-council authorizing the Conservative government to spend $36 billion (with a b) was passed a day before the Magna budget. What was that all about?
a) Have you ever found just the darlingest item in a store but didn't have enough cash on hand to buy it? Well, it's like that, only Ernie Eves has more expensive tastes than you do.
b, as in billion) What's the big deal? It was only half the annual budget of the provincial government - it's not like it was real money!
c) It has nothing to do with an election! The government did not plan on calling an election without recalling the legislature! Nope! Un uh! Not us! (Just ignore all those Tory ads being projected on the back of the curtain...)
12) The province is expected to bring in a bill banning strikes by teachers. What it should it ban next?
a) Strikes by Yankee pitchers.
b) Plaid designer contact lenses.
c) The use of the word "cicatrix" during Prime Time.
d) Smoking in phone booths.
13) Why is the Conservative government considering delaying lowering the limit on acceptable amounts of manure in farm runoff for 13 years?
a) A delay of 113 years would not be perceived by the public as being realistic.
b) They're still in denial about Walkerton.
c) The votes of people who run small farms is more important than the health of the people in surrounding communities. (How come you never hear that in a Throne Speech?)
14) The Tory policy platform calls for a crackdown on illegal immigrants and refugee claimants, the hiring of more police and scooping the homeless off the streets. What does this all mean?
a) The ghost of Mike Harris haunts us still.
b) That hissing sound you hear is the leak in Ernie Eves' compassionate conservativism.
c) Nothing so focuses the mind as being 19 points behind in the polls.
15) Cliff Gyles is planning to run for reelection to Toronto city council even though he is currently being tried for soliciting a bribe in exchange for help in a rezoning application. What should his campaign slogan be?
a) "Many years of public service without a conviction...yet!"
b) "Vote Gyles - he knows how to work the system!"
c) "At least he's not Tom Jacobek!"
16) Advertisements by pesticide industry group the Toronto Environmental Coalition (TEC) claim that a proposed by-law that would limit the use of cosmetic pesticides will cause increased incidences of West Nile disease, terrorist attacks and public appearances by Mike Duffy. What would a reasonable person (for the sake of argument, assume you are one) make of this?
a) Damn straight! It is my god given right to poison land I bought with my hard-earned money to ensure that my grass is greener than the grass of my neighbours!
b) Are they related to the Toronto Environmental Alliance, which supports the law? You'd think they'd have chosen a different acronym so that people wouldn't confuse the two organiza - oh. Right.
c) Disinformation campaigns are a vital part of developing good public policy - just look at the war on Iraq.
17) According to Jim Flaherty, why is the Ontario Progressive Conservative Party doing so poorly in the polls?
a) Bad weather is making people grumpy.
b) The Iraq war is making people grumpy.
c) Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome is making people grumpy.
d) The murder of Holly Jones is making people very grumpy, and even a little fearful.
e) (Incredibly,) all of the above.
18) Staff at the Darlington nuclear generating station began making repairs on a reactor operating at high capacity instead of the one that had been shut down for maintenance. How could such a thing happen?
a) They got their on the job training from Homer Simpson.
b) You know those nuclear reactors - they all look the same in the dark!
c) The Conservative government promised that privatizing the energy sector in Ontario would not be like the privatizing of energy in California - and they delivered!
19) Why did the Toronto police union vote to limit "voluntary contact" with the public until officers are given total immunity against civil prosecutions?
a) Because of the time-honoured principle that those who are sworn to uphold the law must be above it.
b) Union President Craig Bromell was a loner as a child, and he wants his fellow officers to share his pain.
c) The right to sue them is totally unnecessary because we all know that police officers in Toronto never violate the civil rights of citizens.
20) You gotta love this province (the legislation is being drafted even as you read this). What best exemplifies Ontario for you?
a) The cute way 905ers think they've stuck it to Torontonians by electing provincial governments that have done their best to eviscerate the city.
b) The cry of the loon as the moon glints off the windows of Bay Street (the loon really should have gotten out of the market before it went into freefall).
c) The Big Nickel (now worth 3.65 cents American - and rising!).
