What the Heck Do You Know? Entertainment Edition
Okay, you know what? Maybe the whole politics thing just doesn't work for you. Politics - it's so 20th century, right? Maybe, we should consider a quiz on something you're more likely to know something about, like...the thespian abilities of Saturday Night Live performers. Yeah. The entertainment industry. That's the ticket.
Feel free to use your vast (and otherwise useless) knowledge of the entertainment world to answer the following questions. But, whatever you do, don't send completed quizzes to us - some things even we don't find entertaining.
1) What has been the most surprising thing about television's sweeps month?
a) Chemical Ali making a guest appearance as the wacky Arab neighbour with a shady past on Everybody Loves Raymond.
b) The failure of American Idle, the reality show in which 55,000 low- and middle-wage earners compete to see which one will get to keep his or her job during George W. Bush's first term.
c) Jennifer Aniston's hair.
2) Arguing for the elimination of restrictions on ownership of the media, Viacom and NBC argued that the local news outlets that would be bought up and either homogenized or eliminated could be replaced by "interpersonal communications." How would you feel about your neighbour being your primary news source?
a) I would have a serious problem with this. My neighbours only speak Chinese, and I don't know if it's Mandarin or Cantonese. Not that I speak either...
b) My neighbour likes breaking beer bottles on his head - and, that's before he's started drinking! Of course, I trust everything he says...
c) Does this mean I would actually have to...speak to my neighbours?
d) Can't be any more misleading than Fox News...
3) Six monkeys given access to a computer for a month by researchers at Plymouth University in England produced five pages of text made up largely of the letter "s." What has been the critical response?
a) "More comprehensible than Thomas Pynchon's latest novel!"
b) "Reads like somebody defecated on the page. What? They defecated on the keyboard? Same difference!"
c) "There hasn't been such a dazzling literary experiment since Christian Bok's Eunoia!"
d) "ssssssssssmsssssssssmsss"
4) But, is it art?
a) It is if Andrei Tarkovsky does it.
b) It is if 23 PhD students write dissertations about it.
c) You know, I don't know art, but I know what I like...so, why the heck are you asking me?"
d) It is if it's in black and white and has subtitles.
5) Why does Mojo Radio, a station dedicated to "talk radio for guys," exist?
a) Because from Rush Limbaugh to Howard Stern, women were beginning to dominate the airwaves.
b) Because misogyny needed a new home.
c) Fate.
6) What could possibly be more important than the opening of The Matrix Reloaded?
a) The Emancipation Proclamation that freed American slaves.
b) The dropping of nuclear weapons on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, which ended WW II with a bang.
c) The resurrection.
d) Are you INSANE? Nothing! Nothing could possibly be more important than the opening of The Matrix Reloaded...except, maybe, Terminator 3: The Rise of the Machines, or, or The Matrix Revolutions in November. Naah! Am I INSANE? The Matrix Reloaded rules!
7) Which of the following is the worst spoiler?
a) At the end of X-Men 2: X-Men United, Professor Xavier and Magneto profess their eternal love for each other, Rogue wins a national spelling bee when she accidentally sucks the life out of the other five finalists and Wolverine wins a seat in Parliament on a platform of equal rights for mutants and slashing taxes.
b) Rhett Butler becomes the iconic advertising image for Mrs. Windsor's Tonic and Scarlett O'Hara opens a chinchilla ranch and writes advice books for young girls and they live happily ever after at the end of Gone With the Wind.
c) Nothing happens at the end of Blow Up.
8) The TV series My Big Fat Greek Life, based on the film My Big Fat Greek Wedding, is about to be canceled. What's next for star Nia Vardalos?
a) My Big Fat Greek Breach of Contract Lawsuit.
b) Playing a villain on an episode of Love Boat: The Next Generation.
c) A brief mention in a "Where Are They Now?" column, where she talks about her six children and how happy her family is that she "got over this acting phase."
9) Avril Lavigne will tell David Letterman that tourists shouldn't worry about SARS, which is under control, and should feel free to visit Toronto because it is safe. What would a reasonable reaction to this be?
a) I won't believe it until I hear Mike Myers say it on the Tonight Show.
b) She would be more credible if the world wasn't already full of angst-ridden teen rockers. I mean, how many Alanis Morrisette clones does the music industry need?
c) Well, I guess it's okay, as long as she doesn't go on to explain why a strong dollar policy is bad for Canadian exports.
10) Stephen Glass, a crazy Caucasian who quit journalism when it was shown that he made up parts of news stories has written a novel about a journalist who makes up parts of news stories. Where does the truth lie?
a) We keep the truth in a box in a dark corner of the basement. It's too dangerous to be let out, but we find it comforting to hear it growl every so often and be reminded that it's still there.
b) Where does the truth lie? The truth lies? That makes no sense. Who invented this insane language, anyway?
c) 241 Elm Street, Apartment 12b. Ask for Immanuel.
11) What would a merger of AOL Time Warner and Bertelsmann's music divisions, currently being negotiated, mean?
a) Madonna would have even more advertising dollars behind her.
b) Your grunge band, The Rabid Scabbies, will have even less chance of getting a recording contract.
c) Linkin Park/Elvis remixes are coming to a radio near you!
d) I got two words for you: Kazaa rules!
e) 42.
12) Alleged journalist David Frum, explaining his resignation from the National Post, wrote, "For most of my working life, Canadian journalism was a dreary bog of left-liberal conformity." So?
a) So, he must be a hell of a lot older than he looks.
b) So, he forgot to add: "I leave it a viciously destructive dung-heap of right-reactionary conformity."
c) So, is it too much to ask that he follow his Lord and master Conrad Black out of the country? I'd be happy to start a collection...
d) So, when is his wife going to accidentally let on that he was responsible for John F. Kennedy's memorable "Ich bin eine Berliner" quote?
13) Which do you find more annoying: the little girl in the Rogers high speed Internet commercials or the lizards in the Telus ads?
a) What, exactly, the hell is a Telus, anyway? Is it, like, what Jewish men wear while praying?
b) Is that kid on speed, or does she just have an incredibly fast metabolism? I mean, the way she runs around that fake airplane chair, you'd swear she was just about to make time go backwards...
c) Before I answer, I'd like to see the little girl wrestle the lizards in a vat of custard. I don't think it would prove anything, I just have a cruel sense of humour.
14) If your first work of art is a success, what critical reaction should you expect for subsequent work?
a) If your second work is too similar to your first, you will be accused of repeating yourself.
b) If your second work is too dissimilar to your first, you will be accused of a willingness to alienate your fan base and/or overreaching as an artist.
c) If your second work also proves to be a success, critics will wonder how long you can keep it up.
15) What do you think of the Hitler miniseries?
a) It goes good with ketchup.
b) It takes a lot of talent to make one of the worst mass murderers of the 20th century this boring!
c) I would have found it more credible without the Budweiser product placements.
16) What do you get when a pair of supermodels cross paths in a photograph?
a) A moue pattern.
b) I don't know, but it's got to be more entertaining than Pret a Porter.
c) 25 to life with no possibility of time off for good behaviour.
17) What would you most like to hear said on television?
a) "The misfits and screw-ups of the police department get assigned to Traffic Duty. These are their stories."
b) "You're a bunch of dumb, shallow, mercenary narcissists, and I don't want to marry any of you!"
c) "Our product is overpriced, useless crap that we couldn't give away for free if we didn't pour half our budget into advertising. It is guaranteed to make your hair fall out, and may actually be responsible for rising crime rates in some jurisdictions. If not for your own safety, than for the fate of future generations, do not buy our product!"
18) The Dixie Chicks became a verb ("I'm not going anywhere near that subject - I don't want to be Dixie Chicked!") after the lead singer made one anti-Bush remark, but nobody says "I don't want to get Earled!" even though Steve Earle has written far more controversial songs, including "John Walkers Blues." Why is this?
a) Sexism, pure and simple. If Earle had been a trio of cute singers instead of a grizzled middle aged man, he would have been verbized in a second.
b) There ain't no justice.
c) He shouldn't worry - verbs are overrated.
19) Has the United Nations removed the curtain it placed over Pablo Picasso's Guernica now that Colin Powell has made his pro-war speech and left the building?
a) No, because you never know when an American will walk through the building, and lord knows the UN can't afford to antagonize the Americans any further.
b) No, because the red curtain brings out the brown in Kofi Annan's eyes.
c) Who cares? Haven't you heard? Pablo Picasso is irrelevant (and we're not too sure about the United Nations, either...)
20) What was the big deal with Corey Hart?
a) It was the 80s - what did we know?
b) He was a musician who really knew how to pout, and you just don't see that level of commitment these days.
c) Hey! Wearing your sunglasses at night was really cool...for all of three minutes.
