Thank you, Wilder Jennings, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, as former President Donald Trump truly said, "As Gord is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly!"
Enjoy,INT. CONGRESSIONAL COMMITTEE ROOM - DAY
CONGRESSMAN ERIC SWALWELL: The Homeland Security Committee has some concerns about the Secret Service's role in the January 6th insurrection.
SECRET SERVICE AGENT X: Ask us for anything. We have nothing to hide.
SWALWELL: Great. We would like all of the communications with Secret Service agents in Washington on January 5th and January 6th.
SS AGENT X: Sure thing We'll just put that together and get it to you in a day or - oooohhhhhh! Did you mean communications on January 5th and 6th, 2021?
SWALWELL: That is correct.
SS AGENT X: Sorry. We can't do that.
SWALWELL: You can't?
SS AGENT X: Naah. We don't have those communications.
SWALWELL: You don't?
SS AGENT X: No. Sorry. Anything else we can do for you?
SWALWELL: Why don't you have those communications?
SS AGENT X: We...lost them.
SWALWELL: You lost them?
SS AGENT X: Lost them. Totally lost. Gone forever. Bye bye.
SWALWELL: How did you lose them?
SS AGENT X: We were...migrating our information due to a routine device-replacement program, and the communications you're asking for were...erased. Accidentally...umm, erased.
SWALWELL: You "accidentally" erased the precise information you were asked for?
SS AGENT X: Not just what we were asked for.
SWALWELL: No?
SS AGENT X: We lost several shopping lists and the lyrics to "America the Beautiful." I especially miss those.
SWALWELL: You - okay. Send the devices the communications were sent on to the committee. We'll see if we can recover any of the lost information.
SS AGENT X: Sure thing. Just give us a couple of - oh, no, what am I saying? We can't send you the devices.
SWALWELL: You can't?
SS AGENT X: Yeah. I'm really sorry about that.
SWALWELL: Why not?
SS AGENT X: They never came back from the lab. We have no idea where they are.
SWALWELL: You lost the phones that were used by agents on January 5th and 6th?
SS AGENT X: Be fair. We had a new system, so we didn't need them any more.
SWALWELL: Unbelieva - okay. Okay. Deep breaths. The Homeland Security Committee would like to talk to the agents who were on duty in Washington on January 5th and 6th.
SS AGENT X: Certainly. Our agents are always willing to discuss the good work that we do with duly elected representatives of - wait. What was I thinking? Washington?
SWALWELL: That's right.
SS AGENT X: Those agents aren't available for interviews at the moment - they're all on top secret assignments in foreign countries.
SWALWELL: When will they be back?
SS AGENT X: Congressman, you know I can't divulge details of ongoing intelligence operations in a public forum.
SWALWELL: But - did - actually... * SIGH *. Agent X, at the start of your testimony, didn't you promise the committee full cooperation?
SS AGENT X: Absolutely. We are always happy to cooperate with Congress.
SWALWELL: How is this cooperation‽
SS AGENT X: I'm talking to you, aren't I?
SOURCE: Weekends!
[http://www.nobc.com/Weekends/video/play.shtml?mea=227748]
more
America Take Note: Here Was A Woman Who Proved There Was Life After Trump
Donald Trump's first wife, Ivanna, has died of an accident at the age of 73. If the two American political parties were really the same, the Democrats would strike a special committee to investigate whether or not her death was a murder intended to keep her from testifying to the 1/6 Committee about the quid pro quo of her son-in-law Jared Kushner's $2 billion sweetheart deal with Saudi Arabia. The fact that Kushner's dealings with the Saudis are not secret just underscores the differences.
SOURCE: Obits 'R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
more
When You Come From Privilege, The Soaring Cost Of Light Bulbs Seems Like Oppression
Q: How many whites does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They do not acknowledge the darkness.
SOURCE: Titters Comedy Club
[http://www.titters.com/info/TittersClubs/ElginClub/elgNowAppearing.cfm]
more
Fair Dos? Please Don't
Police on face recognition surveillance deployment in central London are justifying the arrest of a young Black woman. "Okay," said a representative of the force who was too embarrassed to allow us to identify her on the record, "the woman we were looking for was significantly older than the one we arrested. And if I'm being totally honest, her facial features were completely different.
"Still. She could have been guilty of some crime. Somewhere. At some time. Okay, as far as we know, she wasn't. But...she could commit a crime at some future date, right? So, let's just consider this a case of...'preventive detention' and leave it at that. Right? Right!"
SOURCE: The Smarmian
[http://www.thesmarmian.com/world/2022/jul/15/womans-do-may-have-been-part-of-problem]
more
Oh, They Will Run With That...Right Into Permanent Minority Rule
Republicans - ammirite?
They're not bad people...they just do bad things.
They're not stupid people...they just do stupid things.
They're not immoral people...they just do immoral things.
They are not criminals...they just do criminal things.
You run with that, Republicans. You run with that.
SOURCE: Bill's Bitter Pills
[http://bill.geekgoons.com/]
more
As Opposed To Smith, Who Enjoys Giving Economists Outdated, Irrelevant Advice
How is the country's inflation rate calculated by the Bank of Canada? It is a five step process:
STEP ONE: Calculate how much a basket made up of goods the average consumer would purchase in one month costs.
STEP TWO: Compare the difference between how much the basket of goods costs this month to how much it cost last month. If it is higher, the difference is inflation. (If it is lower, the difference can be safely ignored. Unless it is much lower, in which case: oy!)
STEP THREE: Use a Ouija board to consult the ghost of Adam Smith. Hope the spirit you contact isn't an evil demon who enjoys giving economists bad advice.
STEP FOUR: Sacrifice a chicken in the basement of the Bank office and read its entrails.
STEP FIVE: Edit steps three and four out of out analysis and blame inflation on blue collar workers' unreasonable demands for wage increases.
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/financialriposte/story.html?id=49aaccd7-f6f3-4f4f-9f25-a2eb4cc6a528]
more
It's A Flow That Makes Others See Red
Witness tamponing (verb): To attempt to convince a witness not to testify in order to stop the flow of adverse publicity about you coming out at a trial. EXAMPLE: Donald Trump tried to contact one of the witnesses of the 1/6 commission? He was obviously witness tamponing.
SOURCE: Michelle's Obscure Pedantry Page
[http://www.MichellesOPP.ca/blogger.html]
more