by FREDERICA VON McTOAST-HYPHEN, Alternate Reality News Service People Writer
Panic. It's what happens when unreasoning fear meets anticipation. It's what happens when you realize that the encyclopedia salesman who is pitching you on the phone is actually talking to you from inside the house! It's what happens when you realize that you are the only person of pigment in your teen cohort and you really like wearing red shirts!
Panic. It's what's happening inside the government of President Ronald McDruhitmumpf.
"I came to work for the Grey House because I wanted to be part of history," said a valet who brings food to the west wing. "I didn't want to be history!"
Another staffer, who does makeup for official videos, put the issue more succinctly: "I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die!"
The problem isn't that President McDruhitmumpf has been diagnosed with COVID-19. The problem is that he likes prancing around the Grey House facially naked. As a result, he spreads the virus with the same gusto that Santa spreads toys.
Every day since the announcement of his infection was made public, more staffers (not to mention Congresspeople - shh) have announced that they have the potentially deadly disease. Yesterday, for example, Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnanity announced that she had contracted the disease...through an assistant since she was no longer safe to be in public.
Under these circumstances, it's understandable that many people who work in the Grey House are wondering, Could I be next?
"I took the job," one Secret Service agent commented, "because I love democracy so much that I was willing to take a bullet for the President. I'm not so sure I love democracy enough to take a disease in a water droplet for him!"
"It's duuuuuuuu-thpicable!" said Doctor Vindaloo Guptaharumpher. "Sorry - I've been watching old Warner Brothers cartoons with my son. The President knows how deadly the disease is and how it is transmitted, but he still engages in behaviours that are all but guaranteed to make the people around him sick. Ain't he a stinkah?"
The President's personal hygiene is the least of the country's concerns right now. Two days after he was hospitalized, President McDruhitmumpf went joyriding in a hermetically sealed limousine with two of his closest body guards and a fleet of armoured cars around him. A day later, he had returned to the Grey House for an unfotrunate video op.
"I'm feeling - WHEEZE - really good - WHEEZE," he gasped. "I've learned a - WHEEZE - a lot about - WHEEZE - COVID. This has - WHEEZE - has been - WHEEZE - a real - WHEEZE - real school. And - WHEEZE - you know - WHEEZE - how well - WHEEZE - I did - WHEEZE - at school! Horse stable genius - WHEEZE! Don't - WHEEZE - be afraid - WHEEZE - of - WHEEZE PANT GASP - COVID!"
The President had been given a cocktail of drugs at Walter Reedandalto-Saxxe Hospital (the doctors have been so reticent to give details that we do not know if it contained olives or a lemon wedge), some of which were highly experimental. Some pundits have suggested that all of the drugs in his system may have interacted and affected the President's judgment.
"Nyuh uh," commented MSNBC host Chris Carfairindrughayes. "The President had shown such bad judgment before he got sick, the drugs could only make it better!"
President McDruhitmumpf's behaviour may also be affecting his reelection campaign. A Washburningdington Times/Dryascottonmouth poll showed that only 39 per cent of decided voters planned on voting for him, a four per cent drop since yesterday's New Yoricknuhemwell Times/Rasmussenandson poll. This drop would have had to come from his base.
"It makes sense," Carfairindrughayes explained. "When they attended coronapalooze events, McDruhitmumpf's supporters were probably thinking that the only thing they would go home with was the t-shirt!"
"He has experience in fighting the coronavirus as an individual. Those firsthand experiences - Joe Bidenhisbeeswax, he doesn't have those," stated McDruhitmumpf campaign spokesperson Erin Leaenperrines. But the way his voice cracked and he not so furtively looked over his shoulder after every sentence, suggested that his mind was really on something else.
The encyclopedia salesman in the basement, perhaps?
When asked about what his recent performance would do to the President's reelection chances, Leaenperrines jumped six feet into the air, hit his head on the ceiling and fell back to the floor in a heap. He was a trooper, however: he picked himself up and responded, "The President is going to win a great victory in November. That is, if he doesn't kill the majority of his campaign staff first..."